Basic Math a Problem - Venting

I am at a loss. I love my husband to death but I'm going kill him yet. He is highly intelligent, very successful and cannot seem to do basic math when it comes to finances! Engineering not a problem, math a 6 year old could do is somehow made impossible to do because of the $.

I transferred money into the checking account on Tuesday, and he got paid on Thursday. I figured out the checkbook tonight (Friday) and he added the transfer twice and skipped a large check. In his mind we had $600 more in the checking account than we actually did. When I showed him the balance he just took a calculator and kept adding and re-adding like I had somehow made a mistake. He really didn't know what he did, even though I showed him.

I have a very low limit on his debit card so that he can only spend small amounts of money at a time.

I know this is very frustrating for him as well, he can solve complex problems in the work place but cannot seem to do basic math. When I show him on paper exactly what he did he has got a blank look on his face, clueless. I literally envision beating him over the head with my laptop. (Not my proudest confession)

If I tell him he has $200 allotted for cash this week, and he does not withdraw the money but uses his debit card three times spending $100 each time, he's gone over the $200, but not in his mind. To him its still there "he didn't withdraw it".

It has caused us great financial hardships in the past. Luckily this time we had extra cash to cover his mistakes because I had money hidden that he did not know about. My stash is gone and his hours have been cut a great deal and I don't see the ability to build up another.

I just don't know what to do. He's an adult and the money he spends is for the family. It isn't like he's drinking or gambling away the money. That would almost be easier at least then there would be a logical reason the money is gone and could be repaired. The next step would be to take the debit card away completely and that would be humiliating for both of us. He does not spend a penny on himself. He will buy one of the kids a video game before he buys himself a pair of shoes he desperately needs.

He thinks that I'm worrying too much. I've given him a presentation on our finaces that would make a stock broker proud! He just does not seem to get it. He is quite literally perfect in every other way! He's an excellent father and husband except when it comes to money. I cannot make it any more basic than it is.

I've spoken to my sister-in-law about this and his brother is the same way, and we discovered after her death, his mother was as well. Help!

He isn't doing it to annoy you! He has a literal disability http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=1001 Maybe you can give him an allowance if he can't be trusted to withdraw and understand what is "happening"?

I wonder if there is some way to transfer into "engineering" terms how the finances are???? Sometimes putting things into the terms that we do understand easier makes other things easier too.

I can imagine how frustrating it can all be....but perna is right, he's not doing it to upset you...he really has a problem understanding money. Good thing he didn't go into accounting!

Hope you can find something to help him understand. Best of luck to you all!

Hugsss
sabby

Thank you very much for your imput. It is good that he didn't go into accounting. LOL And unfortunately I'm not smart enough to know his job well enough to say "pretend x is the checkbook" and ... ew wait you might be on to something sabau, I just may try it! He's an electrical engineer and maybe (think so) there is a limit to the amount of electricity you can put into the machine you're building....

I want it to be clear, he is a WONDERFUL husband and father, truth be told better than I deserved at times in my life. I can (and this won't come as much of a shock to some of you) be very difficult to live with. He has stuck with me and supported me everytime I fell into a depression or flew into a manic state. I haven't always been nice or even civil. He says "I do not love in spite of your faults, I love you because of them." He knows this disrupts our life, but seems powerless to stop it. And when I am calm and rational, which I admit I am not when I mistake like that is made, I know he really just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why either.

We have attempted (with REALLY bad results) to let him control the finances entirely in an effort to see what bills we have, when they are due and how much they are. I don't know how its possible to get disconnet notices from all your utilities in the same month, and not be able to say where the money has been going for the last two going on three months, but he did it and was actually surprised.

Maybe I'm the one that has to change, figure out a way to just accept the fact that this is the way he is and he cannot change. After 21 years of marriage you'd think I would. I just get so angry and frustrated because he is such an intelligent man and this is such a simple thing. I really do not want to humiliate or embarrass him.

When I wrote the post I was so angry. And thanks you and the advice and just listening, giving me a chance to explode has made me feel so much better and brought me back down to earth. I'm on my way to the link perna gave me, maybe that will give me some insight. Thanks again for listening and offering advice.

I teach students with learning disabilities. I have a nephew who is the same way. He is an engineer, highly intelligent, yet has difficulty managing money.
Is it possible for you to take total control of the finance situation? Explain to your husband that you love him, you know he is extremely intelligent, but that one of his weaknesses is in dealing with day-to-day financial issues. Tell him you know that your weakness is in being depressed at times but that one of your strengths is in organization. Maybe give him cash instead of a debit card. This isn't treating him like a child, it's accommodating a weakness (or disability if he has one). If he ends up spending his money early, you might have to sit down with him and plan exactly what to spend on a daily basis and how much extra he has to spend on the family. A lot of people who have ADHD have difficulty with this. It seems that your frustration comes from not knowing the source of the problem and not knowing how to solve it without treating him like a child. You must be in a difficult position, but I hope you and your husband can work this out. If you look up sites on adult ADHD (I don't know if this is what your husband has, but it will give you suggestions about helping someone like him) you might find help. Good luck to both of you!

Thank you all for the information and advice. It's a problem that will never have a "cure" I think, but will be something we have to watch on a daily basis.

I really have no right to complain, he is actually perfect in all other areas.

Thanks again.