I just got the email today of my orientation date for an internship I applied for. I have had a real problem with this all my life. I will decide I want to do something, a job, volunteer, school, etc., and back out at the last minute, or worse, quit midday and escape home. I remember when I was like 7 years old, I wanted to do gymnastics so bad. I begged my mom to sign me up for it, and she somehow managed to scrape together some money. When I got there, I went into the gym, and freaked at the sight of all the kids bouncing around having fun. I went and hid in the bathroom. My mom had not even left yet, and then I proceeded to beg her to take me home. She was so mad and confused at my behavior.
I have managed to push myself to do some things, but when I wanted to join ballet, I was already 14 years old, and felt much more comfortable in the adult class, and that was how I was able to ease into that. I did that for 10 years despite being self conscious about my body. I even worked there for free lessons. I did quit a few times though, but returned after a few months break. I've done this with a job I felt particularly comfortable with too. I had gone through the horrible discomfort of starting that job, but often felt like I could do something more, so in a depressed and anxious mood, I wouldn't go into work. They would take me back 6 months later, probably because it was retail, and I was a good employee except for my little episodes. They took me back 3 times over 7 years. I finally quit for good 6 years ago, and tried 2 other jobs, one where I worked at home. I ended up going back to school, and only finished because it was online.
Then, I felt really ambitious, and decided it would be a good idea to apply for a 3 month internship where I will go from no job at all, to working 40 hours a week doing very physical labor, getting up at 5:30am, and having a long commute. I have been so isolated, out of shape, and have really poor sleeping habits. This feels like my last chance at having some sort of life. I'm already mid-thirties with no kids, never married. I need something in my life, but am too scared to go through with this. The extreme shift in routine will be a shock to me, and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I feel like I will blow this opportunity, and am kicking myself that I didn't apply for something more PT first.
Will I ever learn not to ignore my limits? I don't want to burn bridges at this place because my plan for years was to eventually work there. Actually, I have oscillated about really wanting this as a career too, maybe because of the anxiety, but maybe because of something else, I don't know. I have already started thinking of excuses to back out though. I have 2 weeks to mull this over until it will probably turn into nothingness once again, and I will be back where I started. Oh, and the financial mess this behavior has left is growing as well, even though I was lucky, in a way, to inherit a little money when my dad died, I now have a giant student loan, so really can't mess around anymore. It has also done a number on my self esteem and dignity.

I can't count the times I've done this too, and like you wasted a lot of money in the process.

I remember the last time, I was so stuck for excuses I just came up with, well... it was rainingg so I couldn't do it.

it was inside, so like that worked.

((((hugs))))

[orbit]

Originally Posted by EasyPeezy8

I just got the email today of my orientation date for an internship I applied for. I have had a real problem with this all my life. I will decide I want to do something, a job, volunteer, school, etc., and back out at the last minute, or worse, quit midday and escape home. I remember when I was like 7 years old, I wanted to do gymnastics so bad. I begged my mom to sign me up for it, and she somehow managed to scrape together some money. When I got there, I went into the gym, and freaked at the sight of all the kids bouncing around having fun. I went and hid in the bathroom. My mom had not even left yet, and then I proceeded to beg her to take me home. She was so mad and confused at my behavior.
I have managed to push myself to do some things, but when I wanted to join ballet, I was already 14 years old, and felt much more comfortable in the adult class, and that was how I was able to ease into that. I did that for 10 years despite being self conscious about my body. I even worked there for free lessons. I did quit a few times though, but returned after a few months break. I've done this with a job I felt particularly comfortable with too. I had gone through the horrible discomfort of starting that job, but often felt like I could do something more, so in a depressed and anxious mood, I wouldn't go into work. They would take me back 6 months later, probably because it was retail, and I was a good employee except for my little episodes. They took me back 3 times over 7 years. I finally quit for good 6 years ago, and tried 2 other jobs, one where I worked at home. I ended up going back to school, and only finished because it was online.
Then, I felt really ambitious, and decided it would be a good idea to apply for a 3 month internship where I will go from no job at all, to working 40 hours a week doing very physical labor, getting up at 5:30am, and having a long commute. I have been so isolated, out of shape, and have really poor sleeping habits. This feels like my last chance at having some sort of life. I'm already mid-thirties with no kids, never married. I need something in my life, but am too scared to go through with this. The extreme shift in routine will be a shock to me, and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I feel like I will blow this opportunity, and am kicking myself that I didn't apply for something more PT first.
Will I ever learn not to ignore my limits? I don't want to burn bridges at this place because my plan for years was to eventually work there. Actually, I have oscillated about really wanting this as a career too, maybe because of the anxiety, but maybe because of something else, I don't know. I have already started thinking of excuses to back out though. I have 2 weeks to mull this over until it will probably turn into nothingness once again, and I will be back where I started. Oh, and the financial mess this behavior has left is growing as well, even though I was lucky, in a way, to inherit a little money when my dad died, I now have a giant student loan, so really can't mess around anymore. It has also done a number on my self esteem and dignity.

Maybe try little steps like Ill just get up get ready see how i feel. Then ok ill just walk to the bus stop and so on. Ive found over the years this helps a bit.

I don't know if you meant to do it, but I laughed a little. Your response was kind of funny, thank you, I needed that. At least you have a sense of humor over it. Usually, I do too, but get so wrapped up the feelings sometimes.

Originally Posted by EasyPeezy8

I don't know if you meant to do it, but I laughed a little. Your response was kind of funny, thank you, I needed that. At least you have a sense of humor over it. Usually, I do too, but get so wrapped up the feelings sometimes.

humor is good for you.
I was taught long ago not to take life too seriously- to take time to laugh every day, and yes, that does include mental illness

hell. if I was serious about my mental illness 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, i'd soon be a boring person

I've learned to balance it out- though this missed oppotunities thing is bad, and makes me miss out on a lot, their has to be a bright side or something to laugh about.. and I look for that.

[ken9018]

Just take each day at a time. Only you know your limits. If you truly can't handle the work or find yourself getting, then quit or maybe work out a part time opportunity with the same company. I've learned that if you don't ask, you never know what people will say. Good luck!

Well, I'm about to quit after 2 days in. I am so weird, and so tired of myself. There are some people who might be considered weird right away, but I appear "normal" to most people when they first meet me. In fact, I can even appear quite confident. My problem is that once I am expected to loosen up after introductions or whatever, I get REAL quiet. People must think I am stuck up or don't like them or something. No, I am just really self conscious. I don't know what to say. The first day is fine because I can ask questions, but when it comes to the little banter, and joking around, I just don't find it funny, but get so exhausted fake laughing or smiling. Of course I do it though to be polite! Then people start talking about their husband or kids or vacations. I just can't relate! I am a weirdo who never got married or had kids, and have always been too poor to travel. I also didn't go straight from high school to college. I went on and off for years trying different things. It doesn't look good. I wish I could just say that, and then add that I only settle for inconsiderate guys who don't care about me. At least, I wouldn't have to fake being "normal." I can't even stand it anymore. Isn't there anyone like me? I'm starting to think I have some sort of disorder where I am two different people. One day, I like certain things, and the next day, I am indifferent to the same thing. My mood is usually different too, and it is totally uncontrollable. There doesn't seem to be anything that can bring me out of the mood. I've been seeing a therapist in training, and when I mentioned this to her, she sort of ignored it. I feel like I'm probably one of those people who need a different kind of help, but am slipping through the cracks. Then, that just confirms my thoughts about being too worthless for any therapist or doctor to care about. I swear, I just don't know why people go into certain professions. No one seems to really care, it just seems like they had to pick something as a career and are fulfilling their own selfish ambitions instead of genuinely wanting to help. Having horrible thoughts today, I don't know anymore...