[circles5]

Hi,
it's been about 1hr 10 mins since i had a very hurtful vindictive message from a relative. I'm still trembling with intermittent shaking, my breathe is shaking too but in a different rhythm to my bodys trembling + shaking.

I'm at least lucid enough to utilize the computer now, i was completley debiliated for an amount of time, i'm not sure how to tell how long it's all a blur. I was shocked just now when i saw it was an hour and a half since i had replied to said message. (i replied fairly quickly after recieving it)
I thought a lot less time had past.

I was disconnected from my body. I was autonomously doing things, incorrectly. Such as repeatedly pressing a button on a computer keyboard i wasn't using then swiping my phone menu repeatedly achieving nothing.. then picking up a bank card 'reader' instead of my phone and trying to dial someone on it. Aftewards, trying to use the card reader to type something into the computer screen and vise versa. Just in a total state of derealisation and disorientation.
This is all very unlike me. Even when my OCD is going off badly i don't tend to visibly ritualise as i have seen others with OCD do. All this repetitive unusual behaviour would maybe have looked like ocd ritualizing to a 3rd party, minus the obvious confusion as to what i was actually doing. (so i don't think this was ocd behaviour..)

It was like being sober in the mind of an extremely drunk person. Without having control over my mind or body, they were both doing their own thing.. while i almost felt mindful of my complete lack of control.
I was under the impression at the time that i was handling the situation well all things considered.. as i had a stillness and what felt akin to calm to my thoughts. But i was actually not coping well at all.
----

But it's still going on now... probably coming up to an hour and a half. (longer still going)
The worst parts are gone mostly but i'm still feeling most of the 'symptoms' of whatever has been going on with me just now. Still shaking.

I 'think i have had panic attacks before.. but maybe they were just extremely high levels of anxiety,?
But i've always thought panic attacks were 10-30mins long...

I've got a lot going on currently, i was just discharged from a psych hospital and this message was truly cruel.. i'm not sure if it was/is a panic attack or i'm in shock.
I'm currently on a steep reduction from diazepam (33% reduction overnight, on day 8) So i'm still rebounding from that..

That was very alarming.. i've never had an experience remotely like it.

I've got stoned and taken some sedatives (non-benzo, don't have any diazepam on me unfortunately it's elsewhere) and that's slowly bringing me back down. My focus of attention is broadening and i'm regaining the ability to make decisions (it's now about 1hour 50mins since i replied to the text)
It was some time before i smoked and took a heavy sedative... it took me a while to realize what was happening to me and take some drugs to calm my nerves. (so it wasn't drug induced)

horrible.

[circles5]

So it's been three hours now since i replied to the text. Which is where this all started. I'm now almost fully back but i still feel shaken up.
I'm not doing weird 'rituals' or shocked and dazed.
And the best bit - breathing more or less normally.

That was the nastiest bit - i couldn't breathe. Every breath took so much effort to draw in and it would shudder. Like a mountain range instead of water slipping through sand.
That was really full on for 1hr30mins.. struggling to breathe.

I lost the power of speech too so i wouldn't have been able to call someone for help.. and i'm alone in the house currently.

I really wonder what that was.. and hope it never happens again.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you've had to go through this; it sounds terrible.

It does sound like a panic attack. Yet, it's significant enough to mention to a doctor sometime.

Please take care.

WC