[MemeGuy]

I am currently on meds and look for a good therapist. Long story short, I have childhood traumas (violent father) and have been suffering on and off with depression and anxiety since I was 12-13 (I am 28 now) - like back when I was in seventh grade when I was preparing for the entry-exams for high school I would breakdown and cry everyday, thinking, FEELING THAT IS ALMOST A FACT that I will fail at my exams. Just like that. For no reason. I was the best boy in my class in terms of grades and probably third-forth place in the class. Just because a thought so small can stick inside my head, not leave and stay until it becomes a giant big monster that could eat me from the outside. Similarly I've head fears of STD's, OCD "bad" thoughts, etc.

I gave examples so you can get the idea of my mind. My grandmother is 74, has some initial stage of vascular dementia, but goes to the park every day, reads books, paints, etc. But I can't help this crazy thoughts that all my efforts to study for a carreer change, go out with friends, find a loving girl, read a nice book, clean up my room, even curing my anxiety - all that is pointless, because death will surely come. Plus it might come SOON, or even if in ten years from now, it will be SOON after 8 years, i.e. I am panicking now for the panicking I am ought to do after 8 years... My mind tells me this is madness of course, but it FEELS so real and justified. And it is like an avalanche - one thought leads many others with it - because I imagine how I will be beating myself once she is dead for all times in the past when I was younger when I was being rude with her, or being a slacker now due to my anxiety makes me angry and fed up with myself, which means I both lack the motivation to live full time and in the same time I hate being like this hence I can't find relieve neither in being active, nor in being a sloth. And this fear of death goes to my mother too, because we all age, so she will age more as well. And it is a pure egoistic fear, I just panic when I think of the horror I will experience some day and when I think this horror is inevitable, the fact that time flies EVERY DAMN SECOND AND LEADS US CLOSER TO DEATH IS MAKING ME CRAZY! Also (as part of the avalanche of bad thoughts) I do feel bad for acting as one giant p**y and chicken in the face of real life. Lastly, feeling so down and badly, I just feel I will never get on my feet and have a productive nice life and family and nobody wants to be a crazy depressed middle aged maniac with no kids and wife, right?

I feel so anxious and unmotivated. I am not suicidal, but wish I was never born to experience the suffering of the human being. Tomorrow is a bank holiday in my country, so on Tuesday I will ask my psychiatrist to change my meds with more suitable and will keep looking for a good therapist, those I've tried so far were good for nothing.

I had a wobbly a few weeks ago and I told my mother I would cease to exist without her, in spirit.

I think I've stressed her out and I need to make her feel important this week.

Some parents know, others don't. How important they really are to us is not based on need. But rather upbringing.

We have seen death. Should children learn modern coping strategies as apposed to ancient and respected ways..

Do you have family who recover quickly or dress black for the rest of their days.

I was a wreck when gran passed away. More than anyone in the entire tree. I guess I wasn't waiting.