[clp9922]

Hey, hello. I am out of options, so thought I would rant about my current state of mind.

I am extremely anxious and very angry at the moment. On one hand, I want to drive to the county clinic and give them a piece of my unstable mind. Problem is that I am going out of my mind at the moment and if I were to go down there, I would probably get locked up in a hospital. I can't afford to do that, literally on multiple fronts.

I have patiently/ impatiently waited 7 weeks to get REAL help, a full diagnosis, real treatment through the County system, which is the only sliding scale help I can find financially.

I go to a local support group, I am doing everything I have been told to do.
My doc put me on Lexapro 10mg, initially, May 11 for GAD and MDD. My other disorders are numerous, perhaps self diagnosed, but not sure. I know it, it is just getting the "official" diagnosis from a real doctor that I am looking for. Anyhow, because I was having bad reactions to the Lexapro, the doc took me off---COLD TURKEY 25 days in.

She did not immediately try another med to replace the Lexapro, and thus, I have been in living HELL ever since, with my mental states all over the place. I have to wait another 4 weeks for the next appointment. I keep calling the med nurse (who seems to be the ONLY ONE who seems to give a s***). They put me on a "priority" list, meaning that if someone cancels I have a chance to get in. I am SOOOOOOOOOO tired of waiting!!!!!

I have been all over the depression spectrum, and literally goind out of my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I can do NOTHING about it. I have no money, now no job, like I haven't been able to work since all this stuff went down Apr 24. I was advised I needed a less stress job. Okay, so I started looking, thinking my career was over, for lack of getting control over my mind the past few years. I blame myself. No one put a gun to my head to be like this. I have no one to blame but myself, because I cannot control.

So I FINALLY reach out....they say WAIT. I thought getting on the med would help me to find progress. I found a less stress job. I might be able to start in about a couple weeks, pending background and all. I am clean----unless they call my former employers and they bad mouth me. I wouldn't blame them. I really burned some bridges, unintentionally. I job hopped in hopes that I would not get fired for my "conditions". I see that.

Bottom line, since being taken off that med last week, I am back at square one, and not only dealing with the horrible symptoms of not taking it, but also the lack of service and REAL treatment. I have 2-3 weeks to get my S*** together. I cannot literally afford to jeopardize.

Such crap, I reach out, I get NOTTHING. What can I do, NO MONEY to pay, just go out of my mind and stuff this S*** in the background again and hide it all from people until something happen????

I am in so much fear that I will totally LOSE IT if I start this job without a shredd of hope that I am making ANY kind of progress???!?!?!!?!?

Sorry, so long, but I had to get it out. I know that this is also part of the Lexapro withdrawal, but on the other hand, my mind doesn't give a crap about that. I am so lost and out of self-control. I am imploding and nobody cares enough. There are worse affected people out there besides me, so Why should I get any prefferential treatment, right????????? I just want somebody to help me make some progress.

I may have screwed up, I don't care, but I had like 4 pills left and I took 1 a little bit ago, after not taking any for the past several days when the doc took me off. I would like to just go get drunk or something to just get my mind to shut up! I can't do that.

Sorry again. DOES ANYONE ON HERE HAVE SOME REAL TANGIBLE ADVICE ON HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that I am not the only one who is going through this, but it REALLY feels like it.

Helpless, hopeless, what's the point??????

[Deejay14]

Are there any refills on the lexapro? If so put yourself back on the 10 mg dose until you feel more stable then titrate down from there. Maybe a week at 7.5 mg, a week at 5 mg, a week at 2.5 mg. You could even try 5 days each.

[clp9922]

Hi Deejay, thanks for the advice. I don't think so.
It did calm me down a little earlier when I took that pill. I am scared of the consequences of doing that, though.
Yeah, I think there is a refill on it. Not sure I really want to fill it though. I was in an extreme moment this morning. I guess I will just take it on a day by day basis, whether I do this again.

[clp9922]

Update since this original post....

I do get to start up this new job on Monday *eek!* I am very nervous and excited at the same time.

My county case manager called me and I explained to her why I called and didn't leave message twice the other day when I was having the extreme behavior. I don't know how, but she made it happen so that I could get "worked" in that same day. I guess it was Thursday.

The nurse practitioner now suspects Bi-Polar, based on the symptoms I had while taking and after coming off the Lexapro. She doesn't want to change the official diagnosis until we visit a couple more times, I guess. She started me on Gabapentin? (Neurontin) to help with the anxiety, insomnia, and is supposedly a starter associated with mood stabilization "off label" for bi-polar. No other med, as she wants to see how it affects me. She started me on the lower dose of 100mg.

So, I have taken this med 2 nights so far. The side effects and reviews that I researched on this new med states that most folks have issues with feeling drowsy, and dragging. not me, apparently. If anything, it did not really do much either night.

I will say this, and it bothers me a little, because it is not a common side effect. yesterday am when I woke up, I found myself VERY anxious and within an hour, I just couldn't sit still any longer. I figured I would go shop for a couple new blouses for this new job. I went to the mall, of all places. I really don't like going to the mall. I don't like the crowds, but I went early in the am. I then experienced a full-blown MANIA episode, I know it now.

I now know what that feels like now, and frankly, at the time I was actually enjoying it and scared at the same time. I tell you what, I clocked a full days worth of steps in like 3 hours (10,093 according to Samsung Health), found a perfume fragrance that I could never afford at the moment, but was REALLY feeling like...I HAVE TO HAVE THIS STUFF and it took everything I had to not impulsively buy it on my card. I became temporarily, like obsessed with it. WEIRD.

Then, after 4 hours I had completely worn myself out and started to crash. All I wanted to do was go home and crash. I became slightly agitated, but kept my cool.

I took my 2nd dose last night, and yet, still so wired up and exhausted at the same time, I couldn't fall asleep and this morning, up at 530a....I am going today with probably 4 or 4.5 hours sleep. This morning I just feel like I didn't sleep. My eyes hurt. I am concerned.

So was the mania induced by a first time low dose of this stuff, or did it just activate or boost an already existing hypomanic mixed episode that the doc seems to think??

[Unrigged64072835]

If you're bipolar the gabapentin may not be enough, or at a high enough dose, to counter your symptoms.

I'm at 1200mg now (400 x 3) for anxiety, and it didn't do anything for my bipolar.