[kkeiper]

Hello... newbie here, but this is very important to me

I think i have an emotional disorder + major depression... here are they symptons... acting out subconscious beliefs and fears and needs and wants through socially alienating actions, which cause me incredible internal pain, self alienation and isolation, misuse/abuse of sleep aids, no substantive relationships, no one to confide in. I have this sense of a split in me, like two separate selves somehow.. maybe father and son?

things have been building for months, and for anyone into astrology this has been since saturn entered capricorn back in december, directly opposing my natal sun, moon, venus and mars which are all conjunct by like 2 degrees in the 10th house... very very trying, also chiron return squaring my natal moon at the same time... anyway...

i have been very anxious and depressed for like two months at least, sweaty palms, etc. cant sleep, mulitple very long sleepless nights, followed by ambien and related abuse, on and off anti depressants... huge swings in mood and general confusion and emotional stability.

I have been using sleep aids for about a year now almost every night, not always narcotics but often a cocktail of stuff... most recently i took too many and hallucinated very badly.

Today, in the AM after the sedating drugs wore off, things reached a fever pitch everywhere i looked in what remains of my minds eye was no love anywhere... it was totally terrifying.

a few hours later i was refilling a prescription for Trazodone with my local medical office, when i had this feeling/idea to not do that... which would mean taking a risk and trusting my feelings that i had been previously repressing with sleeping aids. the choice to be the parent i never had and make a decision to take a new route with my feelings was terrifying and yet i felt it was something i needed to do yet i was scared to do this new thing - im afraid to let go of the past.

I wanted to do this before the office sent the prescription to the pharmacy to proove to myself i could make this change my self and rely on some outside force to contain my feelings.

shortly after i made this decision i felt much better, this lasted an hour before i became unsettled and confused and i decided to undo the decision and say they could actually fill it.

I have felt miserable ever since and realized i lost all my emotions today.

this was becasue what was happening internally was i was being asked to reinvent my father as someone my very tender and vulnerable and emotional sense of self could depend on to know his feelings. this inner sense of myself has been avoided and repressed with sleeping aids for decades.

i approached my inner child with the decision to honor his feelings, but then retracted it out of some fear and aggression, anger, confusion, mistrust of something...

Ever since then today i have felt totally and very terrifyingly alone, emotionless, anxious, numb, and etc.

Is there a way for me to fix this? I can elaborate...

Kevin

[Skeezyks]

We here on PC cannot diagnose you. Really... the way to get to the bottom of all this, & figure out what to do about it, is to find a mental health therapist or psychologist you can work with. You mentioned having a prescription for Trazadone. So I presume you're seeing either a medical doctor, perhaps a psychiatrist, or a nurse practitioner... something such as that. Assuming, however, they're mostly just prescribing & monitoring medications, this is not going to resolve any of your underlying issues. And that is where mental health therapy comes in.

One other initial step you could take would be to take the Sanity Score Test here on PC. It will help you to begin to define which areas of your life are causing you problems. Here's a link:

The Sanity Score Quiz - The Mental Health Test | Your Mental Wellness