[apsl1985]

I've written on different posts about my situation but most people probably haven't read them so I'll try to explain it and make it short.
I'm a disabled unemployed person, dealing with daily pain, unable to do the most mundane things, who also deals with severe anxiety, borderline personality disorder, severe financial problems and suicidal thoughts.
I have no therapist at the moment and I really need someone's advice on what I should do, please don't be shy, I really would like to hear different opinions, perspectives and possible solutions.
As I've said my condition stops me from doing most things, I can barely leave the house, I'm always in pain and the most trivial things like sleeping or walking are very painful to me. I had been okay anxiety wise, for the last few years I spent most of my time home alone, reading, listening to music, trying to do my best to manage my pain and discomfort. Then, a few months ago, something happened and we began struggling really hard financially, to the point of not having what to eat. Then my family and neighbors started pressuring me to get a job, completely dismissing my condition and the fact that, at the moment, it's impossible for me to work, saying I should just suck it up and do it (in the condition that I'm in it's impossible.) I started looking for a job anyway while feeling very anxious at the same time because of all the pressure. They visit me, call me all the time, always pressuring me. My condition is highly impacted by anxiety, which means that If I get really stressed or anxious I'll flare badly and that's exactly what happened. A few days ago my condition flared and I've been in non stop pain ever since. I can barely sleep, I'm unable to leave the house, even moving is extremely painful. Still they kept pressuring me. Then something else happened, something that should be a good thing in the midst of all this mess but unfortunately that's not how it works. I met this girl online, we were able to meet in real life because she visited me and we really connected, it's still too early but I can say that I really like her and I want her in my life, in a way she's the only good thing I have. Unfortunately my disease gets in the way of us being together and I end up even more anxious because I keep telling myself I desperately need to get better and I only get worse. She wants to be with me and I'm always having to tell her how bad I feel and how sick I am. I'm so afraid she will grow tired of all this, she's perfectly healthy, sooner or later she will want to move on and find someone just like her, who can go out, have fun, do everything she wants to do. I should say that she told me she doesn't mind, that she likes me for me and not for my disease. I can never be sure though. In between the pressure my family keeps putting on me and the demands of this new relationship I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel stuck, I'm anxious all the time, which triggers my condition even more and I feel so, so sad and desperate, like there's no way out, all I think about is ending it all.
Any advice on how should I handle this situation? I'm in desperate need of an advice, some outside perspective, because I feel alone and stuck and I have no idea what to do

Originally Posted by apsl1985

I've written on different posts about my situation but most people probably haven't read them so I'll try to explain it and make it short.
I'm a disabled unemployed person, dealing with daily pain, unable to do the most mundane things, who also deals with severe anxiety, borderline personality disorder, severe financial problems and suicidal thoughts.
I have no therapist at the moment and I really need someone's advice on what I should do, please don't be shy, I really would like to hear different opinions, perspectives and possible solutions.
As I've said my condition stops me from doing most things, I can barely leave the house, I'm always in pain and the most trivial things like sleeping or walking are very painful to me. I had been okay anxiety wise, for the last few years I spent most of my time home alone, reading, listening to music, trying to do my best to manage my pain and discomfort. Then, a few months ago, something happened and we began struggling really hard financially, to the point of not having what to eat. Then my family and neighbors started pressuring me to get a job, completely dismissing my condition and the fact that, at the moment, it's impossible for me to work, saying I should just suck it up and do it (in the condition that I'm in it's impossible.) I started looking for a job anyway while feeling very anxious at the same time because of all the pressure. They visit me, call me all the time, always pressuring me. My condition is highly impacted by anxiety, which means that If I get really stressed or anxious I'll flare badly and that's exactly what happened. A few days ago my condition flared and I've been in non stop pain ever since. I can barely sleep, I'm unable to leave the house, even moving is extremely painful. Still they kept pressuring me. Then something else happened, something that should be a good thing in the midst of all this mess but unfortunately that's not how it works. I met this girl online, we were able to meet in real life because she visited me and we really connected, it's still too early but I can say that I really like her and I want her in my life, in a way she's the only good thing I have. Unfortunately my disease gets in the way of us being together and I end up even more anxious because I keep telling myself I desperately need to get better and I only get worse. She wants to be with me and I'm always having to tell her how bad I feel and how sick I am. I'm so afraid she will grow tired of all this, she's perfectly healthy, sooner or later she will want to move on and find someone just like her, who can go out, have fun, do everything she wants to do. I should say that she told me she doesn't mind, that she likes me for me and not for my disease. I can never be sure though. In between the pressure my family keeps putting on me and the demands of this new relationship I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel stuck, I'm anxious all the time, which triggers my condition even more and I feel so, so sad and desperate, like there's no way out, all I think about is ending it all.
Any advice on how should I handle this situation? I'm in desperate need of an advice, some outside perspective, because I feel alone and stuck and I have no idea what to do

What causes your pain?

I had/have pain caused by a serious injury. I got so used to having the pain that I "trained" my brain to expect the pain (it is still there but nothing like it was when I first went to the hospitial and in the year that immediately followed.)

My psychologist sent me to a pain management class. In that class, they talked about "pacing". Pacing is when you slowly force yourself to use parts of your body that have been painful--first 15 minutes, then 20 minutes the next day etc. You see, during the first year after the accident when I had done anything that put any weight (miniscule) or moved the injured area, it hurt so much that 2 and a half years later I was still babying the injury which had both weakened the area and caused me to expect the same pain so I was afraid to do much with my upper body. But the word "pacing" made sense to me. Though the injury did not effect my legs, 3 months after leaving the hospital, I forced myself to walk everyday even though the bouncing motion it caused my upper body hurt terribly. Despite this, I kept increasing the distance and eventually, the walks did not hurt. Because of that class, I have tried using my upper body more and have finally learned the pain is not as severe as it once was. Of course, if I overdue it or am not sleeping well--it can really hurt.

I have trouble with anxiety and do take medications for it. Medications might help you too. Why do walks cause you pain? Could it be because you never walk or is there a specific injury to your body? At first I only walked 15 minutes a day even though it hurt and worked up to over an hour. I am sure that the exercise did help my pain. There are hundreds of yoga videos on Youtube--I like Yoga with Adrienne (YouTube) -- I find her yoga classes gentle and positive. Some of us have pain that will never go away but, for me, continuing to move and use my body has been key to my recovery. Some of us will always have bad days but, with pacing, there may be a chance you could have some good days too. Unless your doctor has told you "you can't" (use a part of your body because of an injury)--please try to move/use the parts (gently/slowly) of your body that hurt. It might really help.