[magicalprince]

(tw)

I think I have a really pervasive underlying fear of death. It doesn't usually FEEL like I'm worrying about death or dying but when I really probe my anxieties I'm starting to think that's what it always goes back to.

Like I imagine all these stupid unlikely scenarios in which some catastrophe could happen. Like, what if I'm driving and I get into a horrible accident? What if I'm just hanging out somewhere and someone attacks me or robs me or whatever? What if I get a cut that turns into a weird infection that can't be treated? What if I develop a weird disease? What if some poisonous gas leaks into the air? What if there's an electrical fire? What if I slip and fall and break my neck?

Doesn't help that being on the internet I have heard so many awful--unlikely, but awful--stories about all the things that can potentially go wrong in the course of daily life.

I don't know, I just feel like I have no security in life, no real safety net. Or whatever safety net I have feels like it could easily fail. So I seem to be obsessed with all the things that can go wrong and obsessed with how they could become final.

But I mean, I've never died yet, I don't know why I'm so haunted by it. Anyone else?

Then again, the thing is, I worry a lot more about it when I'm alone. I feel pretty safe when I'm with people I know and am comfortable with. For example I don't get afraid when someone else is driving, just when it's me. If they were a really bad driver I might get afraid, but maybe I'm just more rational about it when with other people and more irrational when I'm alone. When I'm alone, somehow I always feel this sense of impending doom.

[avlady]

thats how i feel everyday-like a sense of impending doom. i have no job because im disabled from an accident, my leggs and back hurt and i have time on my hands to sit back and worry what if? My t said to change it to so what? I recently got my bachelors online plus 3 other years of commuting years ago. So many bad things have happened to everybody i know i just think i'll be next, but i try to stay positive and pray pray pray. i try to say a rosary every day as that is how much i fear death! I know alot of people say there is nothing to fear but i fear the Lord, which alot of people would disagree with, but i read it in the bible. I guess there is the saying there is nothing to fear but fear itself is true.

my fear of death is like that too, though I'm not scared of actual dying

I'm scared of leaning over to get something, or randomly walking across a room, and then I fall down just like that, dead

when I was a kid, I randomly collapsed in a classroom, and I guess it comes from that- I'm randomly just going to go over at some random moment, and that will be it

but also because I was told that any day could be your last.... true that, but I take it to a bit extreme- every minit can be your last and it's terrifying

I also can't spend a long period of time with someone for that exact reason

if they go over and die, I'd be very upset- the chances, huh?

Possible trigger:

but I witnessed my grandmother dying while I was holding her hand

I was just talking to her and she just..... stopped.

no amount of cpr would bring her back

it comes from that

I could be sitting with a really healthy person, no illness, no history of collapsing, and all of a sudden think.... well, what if they collapse

I also can't be around someone if they are sleeping

my first question : their breathing is it normal?, or is it shocked breathing

second: why are they not responding?. deep down I know it's because they can't hear me because they are asleep, but telling myself that is hard

and then I just go in to panic.. shake the person and speak to them until they wake up

[magicalprince]

@raging vortex I had childhood memories that I think contributed to it too. My mom was suicidal in my childhood and I never knew when the next attempt might happen. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells to try to keep her from being too depressed. I didn't realize it at the time but that really had a very negative effect on me. The consequences of any small action always felt blown out of proportion. It was unpredictable.

I think that's a big part of it. Just this sense of "any moment one innocent thing could turn into a huge disaster." This sense of harsh or permanent consequences for seemingly no reason, that's what's scary.