Chronic Anxiety with Agoraphobia. I can't get out of my house.

First all, thank you for making me laugh

Yes, I think to acknowledge the many reasons I am like this it is a very healthy step forward in my life.

I had been there many times, now is just another circle of depression showing out as agoraphobia.

I know I have to keep going out, drive, try to tolerate to be in doctors appointments, even though they make me so anxious.
To be honest, I can't stand the small talks and the constant feeling that they don't know about my reality, that I am someone trapped in her own house by this illness.

I can't just go to the dentist and say "be aware that this is the first time I am out and about in a week". Maybe, it will be fine to tell them, why should I be ashamed of something I have not control over. I didn't ask to have agoraphobia,

I have to make an appointment for mammography. Another for my primary care doctor. Another one with a physical therapist. Of course the dentist too.

You had been in 17 medical appointments this month. We can say that you win this one!

How was your doctor appointment today? the one for your spine.

I hope that went well. Hugs and thank you for this:
Literally, step a toe out the door. Then, self check. Breathe. Then try a foot. Pull it back. Self-check. Breathe.

Hope2010,

Baby steps! But they add up to so much if we keep chipping away at it...I still get struck by periods of agoraphobia. We live in a city and as you mentioned, it can be a blessing to live in the city because you are in the midst of others living their lives. I can walk out the front door and even just walk a block...and inside I am saying Yay me, for participating with life.

We have stairs in our building. I love walking up them. It seems to clear the cobwebs for my brain, especially when I need to get "out" of the house but I don't want to leave the building. I've made it a little ritual. For each flight up I say something I'm grateful for.

Today I had a 9-month post surgery spine xray. I am growing bone! Not a lot. But more than 3 months ago. Baby steps there, too. Tomorrow I have PT. Friday and Saturday will be all day trainings I signed up for when I was feeling better. I am dreading it now. But I always remind myself, "This will be a memory some day."

Next week, 5 appointments. Eeks! I do not going either. Getting there. Parking. The check in progress. Small talk. Lots of staring into my eyes. I find it hard to stay present but again...knowing it will be a memory soon seems to help calm the dread.

We will march through these appointments together!

FearLess47

I hope your appointment went well. I am glad to know that you are growing bone and go to Physical Therapist. Baby steps as you said so

You have 5 appointments next week and I didn't call to make appointments yet. I guess will take me a little longer than I was expected.
But as we all know, I have to go, so procrastinating is just delaying the inevitable

I am glad you live in the city. I would be doing the same as you if I was ...
My neighborhood is a typical residential area, it is so beautiful but you don't see people often. When I see them, all are walking they dogs, I don't have any animal ( I can't commit to taking good care of them so I don't ) so I felt so lonely when I walk around the ring of my townhome.

My Therapist said to me, why about thinking in the beauty of the place, look at the trees, the birds, feel the sun .... So, I have to do that again now that spring is finally here in Minnesota where I live. To be honest, I don't want to walk around, it is one of the things that frighten me

One more thing to pass over and do it!

My husband is home today, I am not working, disable that is what I am now, I literally can't work for years now. That is something that I can't overcome. I do accept that it is not my fault. I didn't ask for all these mental illness. But I look at all the other people making a living but I just can not.

Of course, I have to think of "what I can do". That is not a problem at all for me.
My problem is the uncertainty of what is going to happen if my husband can't work anymore. How Am I going to help us?

So now, with agoraphobia, I feel more helpless than usually.

Because of that, I keep myself very busy to "Be Present".
With that attitude, I can pass the hours without feeling so miserable.

If someone else passes by, please leave your comment. We are all in this together.

FearLess47, I am having you in my thoughts, sending you good vibes so you can have a good evening after your day out at the doctor's appointment.

We will march through these appointments together!

Love this, Hope2010! Even though I would never wish any of this on anyone...I understand. I'm still working on the guilt and shame of being "this way"...I know it hinders my progress sometimes and I am so hard on myself inside. My outsides don't match with my insides at all.

My appointment got canceled this morning! So I did not leave the house. I did sit on the deck for a few minutes to watch the 5PM traffic and "be in the world."

FearLess47 <---trying to take my own advice

Hi! I wasn't here yesterday night. I did think about you and your appointment. To bad, it got canceled.

I am very sleepy, tired even in a day like today when I didn't do much.

I definitely have to learn over and over again to love myself.

I think a lot of the past, that is not good at all. I have all these traumatic experience that are like shadows through my days. I have to shake myself from them, be present so I can move forward to one more hour, hours, a day and so on ...

Let's keep walking together
I wish you a very good weekend! Hugs

Thank you Hope2010! I wasn't here last night either... I have had my fill of "outings" over the last 2 days with a training amongst 45 other humans. It was all about trauma and mindfulness. It was okay last night, as it was only 3 hours (but I have a hard time driving at night so that was stressful.) Today was 9 hours and wayyyyyyy too long. I reached my wall and could not wait to get home! Funny how "home" can sometimes feel like a trap and sometimes like a sanctuary.

I can very much relate to the past being a constant companion. Awareness is key. We will get through this. Breath by breath.

FearLess47

Hi! Going to that training has to be good. Even though, I have to agree on the 9 hours being too long. I will try to see my therapist soon. It is all about being able to drive there, just thinking about it makes me anxious. But sooner or later I will get there. Otherwise, I will be stuck in my own thought and fears. She is really good, helped me a lot and I am sure she will recommend some kind of exposure therapist for sure.

Awareness is key! But we have to use the right tools to cope with the shadows from the past. That much I know ...

I wish you a very good week ahead. Hugs
Breath by breath

ps. I feel like I am not able to say all I want to say, I am in a stage of numbness because today is Easter and I miss my family so very much. This too shall pass.

If you have agoraphobia, please join the conversation. We are not alone

I understand. One breath at a time...

I feel so bad for you and you don't deserve to live your life like this.I hope that u get the treatment that you need. Put it in your mind that you are not gonna let anxiety take your life away from you.Slowly by surely take small steps to getting out the house .it feels so good to be outside. Stand outside for 1 or 2 minutes and work your way up.

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this, you are right no one deserves to live the way I am living right now. I am in treatment, it is just don't working at the time. Comes and goes, it is a vicious circle.

But what matter is the present, I am not well. I just canceled an appointment for tomorrow. I was so terrified to have to drive, to leave the house, that I failed badly. I canceled

Because of this failure, I am determined to go out tomorrow. I will go to the supermarket no matter what, I will be going!

You are so right, my life is just miserable. I have everything else, I have so much, the love of my husband, children, and family that is being rich.

Miserable about my mental health. Rich in spirituality.

Thanks again, hugs

Thank you

I feel so miserable. I am trying to be positive but it's hard! I relate to you, Hope, and FearLess. I see a few therapists and they say I will get better. But I just went off Celexa because it didn't help at all. I'm depressed because of the anxiety, or maybe anxious because I'm depressed! This anxiety is debilitating!

I'm supposed to visit my daughter and family (have a lot of grandchildren) in another state. A few hours in car. Going with other daughter and family. I want to go so badly but I'm so anxious! This is in a few days. Therapists say to go! My doctor says to go! I also have sciatic pain from spinal stenosis. One breath at a time is a good idea! It's hard though.

rainbow8,
It is good that you are sharing all of these fears! Why? Because when we share them we give them space to dissipate. And for others to say, "Ugh I hate when I feel that way" and "Me too." Change your goggles for the trip...(even if just for one moment.) Turn them into "adventure" goggles rather than fear goggles. Be curious. Look around. Count the things you see that you wouldn't have seen if you stayed home. Listen for laughter. Tiny moments. Those are your threads to grab onto....


FearLess47

FearLess, you are amazing! Thank you so much for your response. I had to check your profile to see if you are a therapist! I am lying in bed with an ice pack because 30 minutes of aqua therapy wore me out. It's only 10 minutes from my house but was stressful. I usually feel light headed and weak. I took my blood pressure and blood sugar. Normal. I used to be prediabetic so when I feel shaky I still check my blood sugar. So... I will try to think adventure rather than fear.

I am seeing a CBT therapist for my pain and anxiety and I am trying to change my automatic negative thoughts to more positive ones. Does CBT really help anxiety? I'm also doing biofeedback which shows I need to breathe slower and deeper. These questions are for anyone reading this. Thanks.

I understand your fears about driving. I'm the same way. I saw my therapist yesterday and she thinks I'm depressed! Duh! Of course I am! I feel sick all the time, and can't do what I want to because of those feelings of fear and anxiety as well as the light-headedness. I want my old life back!

Hope, how are you today? I don't think we should call not being able to do things "failure". We WANT to do them. It's not our fault! Sometimes, or maybe usually, we have to push ourselves, but don't be so hard on yourself if you have to cancel something. We have to keep trying, and have "hope".

Rainbow8 I am definitely not a therapist! Just a person who has struggled for a long time. I am still in the sea of struggle as we speak and often I am giving myself suggestions when I make them for others.

Much like the sound tactic you use for checking your blood sugar...CBT can be similarly used to check your thoughts/sensations/beliefs. When anxiety grabs a hold of me I try to be curious about it just like low blood pressure. Like, "Hmm. I'm anxious. What could this be about?" CBT can be a good way to identify whether what we're sensing is a right now thing, a yesterday thing or a tomorrow thing. And then to talk ourselves through that thing, based upon what's happening right now. "This is an old thing. I think I got triggered by X. That makes sense. Ok self, you are safe, I'll take some deep breaths to let you know."

The breath is our tool that forms a bridge between the outside of us and inside of us. So how cool is that? Breath, the thing that we sometimes find ourselves holding when anxious, can also be the very tool to bring us back to a more calm baseline.

FearLess47

Thank you for everything you said to us FearLess47

I am not doing well. That is why I said - fail - I do know that cancel that appointment it is not a failure but feel like it was ...

I have something called "chemo brain" a side effect for strong chemotherapy treatments. When it hit me badly, I can't put my thoughts together.
This is part of my new normal. I can live with it, I am a survivor, that is all that matter.

I did and still practice CBT. To be honest Cognitive behavioral therapy help me so much in my daily life. Does all the good things you mentioned.

I keep track of my behavior with a Journal for CBT by an excellent Psychologist. I am just don't do it every day. Part of my lack of focus.

You are right, I am not kind to myself. I am being negative and my thoughts are catastrophic ones. The sad part is that I know all that and still can't get up of this hole.

I do have hope, just having a very difficult time right now. But hope is always there in my mind.

How are you?

This post is for every one that passed by, you are not alone.

I really hope you can go!

We are in the same boat, but we are fighting this illness. Anxiety can not take our lives away from us. There are many tools to cope with, I should be using them right now, because I am very down, depressed because of anxiety and vice versa.
We can keep learning about CBT and breathe as Fearless said so well, so we can keep moving forward for life with our anxiety under control.

Meantime I am here, you are not alone.

Sending you love and deep breaths, hope2010. I sent you a private message. (I think? I am a tech granny ) I had you on my shoulder today as promised while I drove the hellish drive to see my new trauma therapist. We can get through this. One little moment at a time. You are stronger than you know...

FearLess47

Definitely not a fail. Every moment we are still alive is a win.

Sending love back and deep breaths
I am walking with you, I know how it is to drive in a hellish highway, you did it!

The power of two people facing the same problem should never be underestimated. We are more than two here, and between the here and the then we can do this, cope with our anxieties, help each other. Being there for one another.

I wasn't feeling well earlier, I am in peace right now. I did all that I have to do, that made me feel so good about myself.
I took a deep breath and went outside for a walk. I did all my house chores. I talked with a dear friend on the phone, we laugh and comfort each other. Then, I come here and read all these wonderful posts. How can I not feel blessed and content?

Little gestures, big accomplished. For everything that you do thank you Fearless

Today, I was out of my house! Let's all keep walking!

Hugs and Love

Acceptance of all the pieces of the roller coaster.

FearLess47

Acceptance of all the pieces of the roller coaster.

Thank You, Fearless47 Hugs

I send you a private message. Have a good night sleep.