Fear of talking

Hey,
So as it says in the title I have become afraid of talking to others. I never seem to know what to say to someone.
I always feel like the people I talk to expect a certain answer or reaction from me but I dont know what it is.

While talking to them I don't want to fail their expectations, I dont want to appear stupid or wierd.
Or in the worse case bore them or annoy them.

Maybe I just got nothing to contribute to a conversation.

How do people talk so freely to each other? And how are they able to talk about their things without being afraid that their conversation partner is not interested in their topic?

I have a really hard time talking aloud for the reasons you have mentioned and I had to push myself really hard and it’s still difficult and I’m outside my comfort zone but I know I just have to do it in order to get better.

I push myself to talk a lot of times too, but, like you said,it is really hard. Hopefully this will go away some day and will be just one of those specific social anxious thoughts that pop up for a few years and then just go away for while.

Sorry for saying that but this not gonna happen.
You will have always the tendency to evaluate yourself your partner and the interaction itself. This is social anxiety. You can even get to a point to feel blocked up and need to avoid the situation as hell.

There are techniques that help a little though.
Are you seeing a therapist?

From my experience I can tell you that all helps. Practising mindfulness helps you focus on the present (just the interaction that it’s taking place), following a social progressive exposure therapy where there are gradual levels of difficulty in the social tasks you want or need to perform. Learning a little of social skills to help you with these interactions. Also it seems that group therapy helps, unluckily I still haven’t had the opportunity to do it.
It’s not easy or fast. Don’t expect a miracle. It will require effort.

Yes, I know. I got the diagnosis when I was 15. At first(well for 5 years) I did not believe it and even convinced my therapists that my problems would not be about anxiety. I did not want it to be true because I would have literally taken any other mental disorder over social anxiety.

I tried many things already. Like working in a small store or going on big birthday partys and talk with as many different people as I could.
But I already read in other posts that social anxiety won't ever go away. Which is sad, I guess. It is not really the life I would like to live.

I got a few self help books which had a few good tips. Mindfullness was also in there but I don't really understand what the point of it is.

At the moment I am searching for a new therapist but if I go there depends on how much it costs because my insurance won't cover it. My last therapy was this year so I possibly need to wait till 2022. Or pay for it myself. Though I am a student which means money could be a bit of a problem.

I do understand you. I had to go through all this in the past. I know how hard is.
And I do understand your struggle to afford a therapist and all.

I can tell you some of the advises my psychologist told me when my anxiety got the most of me. Of course, sure there are articles in gloogle and books more helpful. For example I have a book about social skills but it’s by two Spanish psychologist and I didn’t find a translation in English.

My psych used to tell me, when you feel blocked out, and need to keep a conversation, look around for clues, it will probably give you a topic to talk about.
I sometimes use this tip. For instance if you are in a bar, you could talk or ask about this or that bottle of liquor from the self. Or if there’s a pic, ask about it.

Sometimes, I invent an excuse to quit the place for some minutes (going to the restroom, or going out to make a call...) so I can breath and get rid a little of my pressure and think about what to say.

The best is to be present. Focus on what people are saying, this is when mindfulness makes sense.

Asking questions or ask the listener to tell you more about what (s)he has just told you, also help to vaseline a conversation and feel yourself more comfortable.

I’m listening to me while writing this to you and I think I’m giving the impression that I’m master or that I follow these tips very well and all it’s marvellous.
Don’t get this picture because I still suck at social abilities, still hard for me. I only try to do my best.

I have a similar problem to this. I think it's because we are overthinking what we are saying. We are interacting with the aim of getting people to think a certain way about us (i.e. to like us, find us not boring etc) rather than just being present and ourselves and responding in a way we would naturally. Someone told me to try focusing on what the other person is saying and take the attention from the inside to the outside rather than thinking about how you are going to respond. I also need to practice this.

That is actually good advice. I should try to do that in the future conversations with others.
Thank you

Good post!

(I don't think this is the whole answer but it can be helpful to return to this, imo)

I think many of us are on a journey towards accepting ourselves (and also figuring ourselves out)..

I also have experienced anxiety and depressive episodes since cubhood

Hugs and respect

It can depend since sometimes a person puts me at ease or is an easy person to talk to, but if it’s someone stoic and silent or not very talkative, then I’m not good at being the “talkative” one. Other times a person makes me nervous for whatever reason and so it’s difficult to talk them.

It's the political correctness and cancel culture that has me fearing to talk or else carefully parsing my choice of words amongst coworkers and millennials in general .

When I was a kid i had this fear of talking. Sometimes i would stutter and would feel very embarrassed because of my stutter. I started stuttering because i was always afraid to talk to my dad. Every time i would say something to him he would get instantly mad and angry at me, so before talking i would always ask him " can i say something, but please don't yell"...this was my defense mechanism.

So, step by step, i started having this fear of speaking, i would speak very fast or i would stutter my words. I can say that i have overcome this problem, by doing trauma release and sharing my story is another step in my healing.

I’m sorry a lot your dad made you go through all this. A kid should have the best treat ever.