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Default Dec 19, 2020 at 05:50 AM
  #1
Hey,
So as it says in the title I have become afraid of talking to others. I never seem to know what to say to someone.
I always feel like the people I talk to expect a certain answer or reaction from me but I dont know what it is.

While talking to them I don't want to fail their expectations, I dont want to appear stupid or wierd.
Or in the worse case bore them or annoy them.

Maybe I just got nothing to contribute to a conversation.

How do people talk so freely to each other? And how are they able to talk about their things without being afraid that their conversation partner is not interested in their topic?
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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 10:50 AM
  #2
I have a really hard time talking aloud for the reasons you have mentioned and I had to push myself really hard and it’s still difficult and I’m outside my comfort zone but I know I just have to do it in order to get better.

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Default Dec 21, 2020 at 05:31 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Whereto52 View Post
Hey,

So as it says in the title I have become afraid of talking to others. I never seem to know what to say to someone.

I always feel like the people I talk to expect a certain answer or reaction from me but I dont know what it is.


While talking to them I don't want to fail their expectations, I dont want to appear stupid or wierd.

Or in the worse case bore them or annoy them.


Maybe I just got nothing to contribute to a conversation.



How do people talk so freely to each other? And how are they able to talk about their things without being afraid that their conversation partner is not interested in their topic?
I have a similar problem to this. I think it's because we are overthinking what we are saying. We are interacting with the aim of getting people to think a certain way about us (i.e. to like us, find us not boring etc) rather than just being present and ourselves and responding in a way we would naturally. Someone told me to try focusing on what the other person is saying and take the attention from the inside to the outside rather than thinking about how you are going to respond. I also need to practice this.
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Default Dec 22, 2020 at 09:55 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
I have a really hard time talking aloud for the reasons you have mentioned and I had to push myself really hard and it’s still difficult and I’m outside my comfort zone but I know I just have to do it in order to get better.
I push myself to talk a lot of times too, but, like you said,it is really hard. Hopefully this will go away some day and will be just one of those specific social anxious thoughts that pop up for a few years and then just go away for while.
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Default Dec 22, 2020 at 09:57 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by scarlett35 View Post
I have a similar problem to this. I think it's because we are overthinking what we are saying. We are interacting with the aim of getting people to think a certain way about us (i.e. to like us, find us not boring etc) rather than just being present and ourselves and responding in a way we would naturally. Someone told me to try focusing on what the other person is saying and take the attention from the inside to the outside rather than thinking about how you are going to respond. I also need to practice this.

That is actually good advice. I should try to do that in the future conversations with others.
Thank you
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Default Dec 22, 2020 at 02:19 PM
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I push myself to talk a lot of times too, but, like you said,it is really hard. Hopefully this will go away some day and will be just one of those specific social anxious thoughts that pop up for a few years and then just go away for while.
Sorry for saying that but this not gonna happen.
You will have always the tendency to evaluate yourself your partner and the interaction itself. This is social anxiety. You can even get to a point to feel blocked up and need to avoid the situation as hell.

There are techniques that help a little though.
Are you seeing a therapist?

From my experience I can tell you that all helps. Practising mindfulness helps you focus on the present (just the interaction that it’s taking place), following a social progressive exposure therapy where there are gradual levels of difficulty in the social tasks you want or need to perform. Learning a little of social skills to help you with these interactions. Also it seems that group therapy helps, unluckily I still haven’t had the opportunity to do it.
It’s not easy or fast. Don’t expect a miracle. It will require effort.

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Default Dec 23, 2020 at 06:02 PM
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Sorry for saying that but this not gonna happen.
You will have always the tendency to evaluate yourself your partner and the interaction itself. This is social anxiety. You can even get to a point to feel blocked up and need to avoid the situation as hell.

There are techniques that help a little though.
Are you seeing a therapist?

From my experience I can tell you that all helps. Practising mindfulness helps you focus on the present (just the interaction that it’s taking place), following a social progressive exposure therapy where there are gradual levels of difficulty in the social tasks you want or need to perform. Learning a little of social skills to help you with these interactions. Also it seems that group therapy helps, unluckily I still haven’t had the opportunity to do it.
It’s not easy or fast. Don’t expect a miracle. It will require effort.
Yes, I know. I got the diagnosis when I was 15. At first(well for 5 years) I did not believe it and even convinced my therapists that my problems would not be about anxiety. I did not want it to be true because I would have literally taken any other mental disorder over social anxiety.

I tried many things already. Like working in a small store or going on big birthday partys and talk with as many different people as I could.
But I already read in other posts that social anxiety won't ever go away. Which is sad, I guess. It is not really the life I would like to live.

I got a few self help books which had a few good tips. Mindfullness was also in there but I don't really understand what the point of it is.

At the moment I am searching for a new therapist but if I go there depends on how much it costs because my insurance won't cover it. My last therapy was this year so I possibly need to wait till 2022. Or pay for it myself. Though I am a student which means money could be a bit of a problem.
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Default Dec 27, 2020 at 11:50 AM
  #8
I do understand you. I had to go through all this in the past. I know how hard is.
And I do understand your struggle to afford a therapist and all.

I can tell you some of the advises my psychologist told me when my anxiety got the most of me. Of course, sure there are articles in gloogle and books more helpful. For example I have a book about social skills but it’s by two Spanish psychologist and I didn’t find a translation in English.

My psych used to tell me, when you feel blocked out, and need to keep a conversation, look around for clues, it will probably give you a topic to talk about.
I sometimes use this tip. For instance if you are in a bar, you could talk or ask about this or that bottle of liquor from the self. Or if there’s a pic, ask about it.

Sometimes, I invent an excuse to quit the place for some minutes (going to the restroom, or going out to make a call...) so I can breath and get rid a little of my pressure and think about what to say.

The best is to be present. Focus on what people are saying, this is when mindfulness makes sense.

Asking questions or ask the listener to tell you more about what (s)he has just told you, also help to vaseline a conversation and feel yourself more comfortable.

I’m listening to me while writing this to you and I think I’m giving the impression that I’m master or that I follow these tips very well and all it’s marvellous.
Don’t get this picture because I still suck at social abilities, still hard for me. I only try to do my best.

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Default Dec 27, 2020 at 05:38 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
I do understand you. I had to go through all this in the past. I know how hard is.
And I do understand your struggle to afford a therapist and all.

I can tell you some of the advises my psychologist told me when my anxiety got the most of me. Of course, sure there are articles in gloogle and books more helpful. For example I have a book about social skills but it’s by two Spanish psychologist and I didn’t find a translation in English.

My psych used to tell me, when you feel blocked out, and need to keep a conversation, look around for clues, it will probably give you a topic to talk about.
I sometimes use this tip. For instance if you are in a bar, you could talk or ask about this or that bottle of liquor from the self. Or if there’s a pic, ask about it.

Sometimes, I invent an excuse to quit the place for some minutes (going to the restroom, or going out to make a call...) so I can breath and get rid a little of my pressure and think about what to say.

The best is to be present. Focus on what people are saying, this is when mindfulness makes sense.

Asking questions or ask the listener to tell you more about what (s)he has just told you, also help to vaseline a conversation and feel yourself more comfortable.

I’m listening to me while writing this to you and I think I’m giving the impression that I’m master or that I follow these tips very well and all it’s marvellous.
Don’t get this picture because I still suck at social abilities, still hard for me. I only try to do my best.
I think finding a topic based on my surroundings is pretty hard. Most of the time I go to a friends house or they come to mine. Bars or anything like that were never really my thing.

Being present it always good.Found this tip also in one of the books I have.I also understand now what that actually means in context of a conversation. Concentrating on the other person instead of turning it on to myself helps with following the conversation better and finding better answers.

Though my body is going crazy in those moments. I feel dizzy, my arms get numb and I feel like there is something stuck in my throat. Still need to find a way to work around that.
Do you also get those wierd symptomps and got and advice on how to reduce them?

You actually sound very soical. So I guess you probably don't really lack social skills. It is maybe more your anxiety telling you that
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Default Dec 28, 2020 at 12:23 PM
  #10
Much better if you go to a friend’s house. In the end, I don’t know a lot about liquors, I don’t know you...In a house there’s usually a lot of things to talk about. Souvenirs from travels, pictures of people...

No, lol! I’m not sociable at all. I’m introvert. It takes a bunch of time for me to feel comfortable with someone else. And even though, I need time on my own to recharge my energy. You noticed that I’m polite and I sometimes seem normal but it’s because I can talk about this topics. Most of the time I feel like a fish out of water. And when I was active, and had to deal with a group of coworkers, it was a hell. Your thread reminded me those occasions when I felt so out of place within a group of people.

But, please, don’t give it up. I still have my goal to achieve in what socialisation regards. And I ensure you that you can grow up a lot in this sense and that I know how you feel. There are a lot of important things in a person apart from knowing how to socialise. You can have a rich life, even when this aspect will be always a struggle. You will have good moments and you even gonna taste them more deeply than normal people do.

Yes, I suffer physical symptoms as you. Sometimes I swear a lot, some times my movements are clumsy. Sometimes an uncomfortable tic appears on my eye. Sweaty hands, and the worst, my heart beats so fast that I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
What I do at these moments if I can’t avoid the situation is to take a break to breath deeply.

Do you think relaxation techniques could help you?

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Default Dec 28, 2020 at 12:27 PM
  #11
I do also understand what you say about your throat. Dry mouth. Your voice sound different and you barely can speak. yeah...

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Arrow Dec 30, 2020 at 07:31 AM
  #12
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Much better if you go to a friend’s house. In the end, I don’t know a lot about liquors, I don’t know you...In a house there’s usually a lot of things to talk about. Souvenirs from travels, pictures of people...

No, lol! I’m not sociable at all. I’m introvert. It takes a bunch of time for me to feel comfortable with someone else. And even though, I need time on my own to recharge my energy. You noticed that I’m polite and I sometimes seem normal but it’s because I can talk about this topics. Most of the time I feel like a fish out of water. And when I was active, and had to deal with a group of coworkers, it was a hell. Your thread reminded me those occasions when I felt so out of place within a group of people.

But, please, don’t give it up. I still have my goal to achieve in what socialisation regards. And I ensure you that you can grow up a lot in this sense and that I know how you feel. There are a lot of important things in a person apart from knowing how to socialise. You can have a rich life, even when this aspect will be always a struggle. You will have good moments and you even gonna taste them more deeply than normal people do.

Yes, I suffer physical symptoms as you. Sometimes I swear a lot, some times my movements are clumsy. Sometimes an uncomfortable tic appears on my eye. Sweaty hands, and the worst, my heart beats so fast that I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
What I do at these moments if I can’t avoid the situation is to take a break to breath deeply.

Do you think relaxation techniques could help you?
The last time I was at my grandparents house during christmas I tried to focus on my breathing and to look for any tension in my muscles but it was hard to focus on anything in that moment.
My brain was so fuzzy that I couldn't even follow the conversation at all. This was the first time I talked to other people outside of my friend group again since corona started.
I know of this muscle tension thingy(sry, forgot what its name was) but never find time to actually do the excercises for it. My day is already packed with so many things.
Do you know of one that I could easily apply during a conversation without appearing wierd?

University is much the same. My first semester was at the beginning of the corona restrictions which isn't that bad because now I don't have to worry about making friends or making conversation with other students. But at the same time it is bad for me. I really need the "training" and the certain amount of time being around people or else my anxiety is up again in no time.
I mean, I live with my brother but it is not the same as with living someone outside of the family so yeah.

I know that there is usually more to a person than being able to socialise but having a connection with someone or a good social life is actually the thing that makes me most happy.
It is not like I don't have any other interests or can't be on my own. It is just frustrating for me to feel a bit isolated and different from others. I never really found people I could connect with without changing my whole behaviour or self. So many friendships I have now are pretty hollow. Or were toxic. Had a few of those relationships too.

And on the other side I still got to learn to accept myself and figure myself out.
Until I was 20 y/o I did not have any goal in life because of depressive episodes and anxiety since I was 7 y/o. So I got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of work on self esteem.
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Default Feb 03, 2021 at 09:55 PM
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I have a similar problem to this. I think it's because we are overthinking what we are saying. We are interacting with the aim of getting people to think a certain way about us (i.e. to like us, find us not boring etc) rather than just being present and ourselves and responding in a way we would naturally. Someone told me to try focusing on what the other person is saying and take the attention from the inside to the outside rather than thinking about how you are going to respond. I also need to practice this.
Good post!

(I don't think this is the whole answer but it can be helpful to return to this, imo)

I think many of us are on a journey towards accepting ourselves (and also figuring ourselves out)..

I also have experienced anxiety and depressive episodes since cubhood

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Default Feb 06, 2021 at 12:51 AM
  #14
It can depend since sometimes a person puts me at ease or is an easy person to talk to, but if it’s someone stoic and silent or not very talkative, then I’m not good at being the “talkative” one. Other times a person makes me nervous for whatever reason and so it’s difficult to talk them.
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Default Feb 06, 2021 at 12:58 AM
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It's the political correctness and cancel culture that has me fearing to talk or else carefully parsing my choice of words amongst coworkers and millennials in general .

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Default Feb 06, 2021 at 05:55 PM
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The last time I was at my grandparents house during christmas I tried to focus on my breathing and to look for any tension in my muscles but it was hard to focus on anything in that moment.
My brain was so fuzzy that I couldn't even follow the conversation at all. This was the first time I talked to other people outside of my friend group again since corona started.
I know of this muscle tension thingy(sry, forgot what its name was) but never find time to actually do the excercises for it. My day is already packed with so many things.
Do you know of one that I could easily apply during a conversation without appearing wierd?

University is much the same. My first semester was at the beginning of the corona restrictions which isn't that bad because now I don't have to worry about making friends or making conversation with other students. But at the same time it is bad for me. I really need the "training" and the certain amount of time being around people or else my anxiety is up again in no time.
I mean, I live with my brother but it is not the same as with living someone outside of the family so yeah.

I know that there is usually more to a person than being able to socialise but having a connection with someone or a good social life is actually the thing that makes me most happy.
It is not like I don't have any other interests or can't be on my own. It is just frustrating for me to feel a bit isolated and different from others. I never really found people I could connect with without changing my whole behaviour or self. So many friendships I have now are pretty hollow. Or were toxic. Had a few of those relationships too.

And on the other side I still got to learn to accept myself and figure myself out.
Until I was 20 y/o I did not have any goal in life because of depressive episodes and anxiety since I was 7 y/o. So I got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of work on self esteem.
Sorry for my delay in replying, surely I didn’t notice your reply. Or arrived in a moment I was low and empty of arguments and energy to talk.

I don’t know any technique to a quick relax while you are keeping a conversation. The exercises I was taught were supposed to achieve this capability with time and a lot of practise but I didn’t get so far with it, other than breathing. It helps.
There must be techniques explained on the net, we could look for them.

Another possibility is to learn and practise Mindfulness. it helps you focus on the conversation with practise and you can practise during any kind of activity. There’s a formal practise, like meditation ( 20 minutes or so) where you focus on yourself but there’s also a non-formal practise ( I don’t know how to call it properly) that consists on practising focus or being aware of the task you are doing, and you can practise in any moment while doing any activity.

I wrote this to explain to a friend about what mindfulness was about.
Maybe you find it helpful.


MINDFULNESS

Mindfulness is a practise in Buddhism practised by Buddhists for centuries. It means two main concepts: Being present with all your senses in the now, whatever you are doing at that moment, ex; in the conversation with a person, in the trip to the factory you are working in, in the meal you are eating, the drink you are drinking, your breath and body when you are in a training practice.
It lays on the idea of focussing on a single task, a single stimuli to enjoy it at its fulness. No matter if a distraction arises (a thought that comes about whatever... it’s normal, but you again come back to the object of your attention. No matter how many times you get distracted. It’s normal. Don’t judge it as positive or negative because it’s none of these. It’s normal. You come back to your focus because it’s the right way to put your mind at ease and train your brain. So we arrive to the second main meaning of mindfulness, that is, no judging. If you get distracted by something else, it doesn’t matter, your mind is doing what it is for: Creating thoughts. If feelings of grief arises, no matters...it’s a normal feeling we all face to from time to time. Accept how you feel and accept this feel of thought. Don’t fight against it. Accept it and go back to focus yourself on what you were doing. You will see as that feeling doesn’t grow up.

We can begin by practicing mindfulness in two situations.
Tomorrow, at your breakfast, enjoy each instant of the meal. Focus on your meal only. It’s taste, it’s texture...with anything else. You and the meal you are eating. Chew slowly, as slower as you can and notice the favour. No TV, no radio, no anything else but you and that meal.

Then, you can make also a practice when you go to sleep. Don’t try to repeat any phrasal. No. Drive your mind into blank. This is your objective. Your mind empty of thoughts. Will it be possible? Sure, it won’t. Many thoughts are gonna arrive to your mind. Some of them, stupid as hell. Don’t worry. Accept these thoughts and let them go past your mind. Say hello to them and goodbye. Don’t engage with them. But, if you engage with them for some instants, it doesn’t matter, let them go and let them go when you get it. You will see how they disappear and your mind get peace again or another thought appears, in that case, you say hello and goodbye again. Try to not engaging with it.
If you see it easier, you can focus on your breath along this process, so each time you get engage with a thought and you notice it, accept it and return to your breath.

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Default Feb 15, 2021 at 09:59 PM
  #17
I experience this even around people I know and and friends with. I find it easier to talk when there is less of a crowd. I’m better just one on one or in a small group. If you get out fairly often maybe try becoming a regular at a local coffee shop, if you swing by every morning and see the same barista they may start the conversation and as the weeks progress you’ll become more familiar with him/her. Small successes will give you a little confidence with will lead to more success and a little bit more confidence. Also keep in mind that it is ok to be shy, I am coming up on 37 and I’m still a shy individual.

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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 09:07 PM
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When I was a kid i had this fear of talking. Sometimes i would stutter and would feel very embarrassed because of my stutter. I started stuttering because i was always afraid to talk to my dad. Every time i would say something to him he would get instantly mad and angry at me, so before talking i would always ask him " can i say something, but please don't yell"...this was my defense mechanism.

So, step by step, i started having this fear of speaking, i would speak very fast or i would stutter my words. I can say that i have overcome this problem, by doing trauma release and sharing my story is another step in my healing.
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 02:34 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by WishIgotHelp View Post
When I was a kid i had this fear of talking. Sometimes i would stutter and would feel very embarrassed because of my stutter. I started stuttering because i was always afraid to talk to my dad. Every time i would say something to him he would get instantly mad and angry at me, so before talking i would always ask him " can i say something, but please don't yell"...this was my defense mechanism.

So, step by step, i started having this fear of speaking, i would speak very fast or i would stutter my words. I can say that i have overcome this problem, by doing trauma release and sharing my story is another step in my healing.
I’m sorry a lot your dad made you go through all this. A kid should have the best treat ever.

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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