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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 10:50 AM
  #1
I'm kind of new to the anxiety forums. My diagnosis is "persistent depressive disorder with anxiety." Mainly I've always worried about battling bouts of depression.

I think depression is actually a way to escape anxiety. And it sort of works. Right now, however, I have escalating anxiety, and there seems to be no escaping it. I'm hoping someone reading this might have some tips.

I take amitriptyline (Elavil) for depression. It helps. I don't take anything specifically for anxiety. Years ago, I took librium. That helped me fall asleep at night. I don't take it anymore. Last year one provider ordered Latuda for me. I never did try it. Maybe I should.

I have kind of an OCD type of mind. I like to have everything in my apartment carefully arranged. Due to a lot of problems I faced over the past year, my apartment has become chaotic. I tend to collect a lot of paperwork. I'ld describe myself as having mild hoarding tendencies. I used to have a good filing system that I stuck to. That went off the rails, and I've got hundreds of folders and manilla envelopes full of stuff in various piles all over the house. I can never find important paperwork that I need.

Lately, I've been wishing my apartment would catch on fire, and all my piles of stuff would go up in smoke. That's meant as a joke, but the anxiety I feel is no joke. Believe me - there is nothing funny about my state of mind when I look around me. I spent most of yesterday sobbing.

I would like to get some medication for anxiety - specifically, a benzo. That's unlikely because I take an opioid pain killer (vicodin 10 mg/ twice daily.) Doctors don't seem to want me to have more than one narcotic med. In the past, I tried Gabapentin, which just made me eat and eat.

All my life I suffered with insomnia. I think that is related to anxiety. Last night I slept from 1 a.m. until 3:15 a.m. That's it! Sometimes I can sleep the day away. Sometimes I go 2 days with no sleep.

I was just in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer. It was so bad they gave me a blood transfusion. Now I'm worried about that. Last year, my long-time sweetheart died of lung cancer. He used to help calm me down from fretting so much. That support is gone. For the past year, I worried about getting COVID. (Now I'm vaccinated.) I still worry.

This is a big pile of stuff I've listed. It's a big junk heap, like how my apartment looks. Maybe someone can relate to some aspect of my problem. Oh - I also have pretty severe social anxiety that caused me endless pain during my childhood. I used to find that alcohol helped a good bit, but I drink very little in the past ten years (a white wine spritzer with dinner some nights.) It just doesn't agree with me anymore. I get too much heartburn and nausea.

I'll try to read other people's experiences with anxiety. Any tips or encouragement will be much appreciated. Thanks for your patience reading this.
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 11:04 AM
  #2
Dear Rose76,

I struggle with anxiety too. It is brutal, brutal illness. So my heart goes out to you! My doctor prescribed a medication called Buspirone. He added it to the Celexa I take for depression. It seems to help me a lot. I realize that what helps one person might not work for someone else or not be good for them so I cannot give advice. I can only share what helps me. Hopefully you and your physician will be able to find something that helps you.

Something called Cognitive Therapy helps me a lot too. To be honest, face to face Cognitive Therapy didn't really help. Reading self-help books by famous Cognitive Therapists did help me though. I am so very, very sorry you are burdened with anxiety!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 05:06 PM
  #3
Yaowen - Thank you for your post. It helps to hear from someone who has experienced anxiety to such an extent that it has felt "brutal." That tells me you really get my situation. Everyone has worries, but having an anxiety disorder is on a whole other level. People have told me, "You worry too much." and "You let everything bother you." and "You shouldn't dwell on things." This is not a mindset anyone would choose. Worst of all, it gets disabling. Yesterday and today, I felt frozen a lot of the time . . . like, I fear that whatever I do is going to be wrong somehow.

I'm glad to hear you were helped by Buspar and CBT. Thurs I see a doctor. Maybe a prescription might help me.
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 05:23 PM
  #4
I ended up taking some Benadryl today (75 mg.) I had tried that for the first time last week, and it helped. This was just my second time trying it, and it did help.

Once in a great while, I get crushing chest pain. I know it's anxiety. It comes as a delayed reaction after a lot of stress. It lasts about 20 min. I haven't had it in over 2 months.

Today, I went back to bed around noon. I slept . . . maybe from the Benadryl. Now it's just after 4 p.m. I want to have a decent rest of the day.

Sometimes getting out of the house helps. I might go do a fee errands.

This free-floating anxiety is like a monster chasing me. I haven't had anxiety this bad in a long time. It's like I'm expecting something awful to happen, and I don't know how to prevent it.

I went to a therapist once for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I hated the first session and never went back. It involved the therapist hitting a gong and telling me to think about nothing . . . then hitting a gong again.

I find that intense anxiety feels like way more urgent a problem than depression ever does. I don't know how people cope who experience anxiety on a daily basis. It hasn't been a continuous problem for me. But right now it is.
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I have kind of an OCD type of mind. I like to have everything in my apartment carefully arranged. Due to a lot of problems I faced over the past year, my apartment has become chaotic. I tend to collect a lot of paperwork. I'ld describe myself as having mild hoarding tendencies. I used to have a good filing system that I stuck to. That went off the rails, and I've got hundreds of folders and manilla envelopes full of stuff in various piles all over the house. I can never find important paperwork that I need.

Lately, I've been wishing my apartment would catch on fire, and all my piles of stuff would go up in smoke. That's meant as a joke, but the anxiety I feel is no joke. Believe me - there is nothing funny about my state of mind when I look around me. I spent most of yesterday sobbing.
I have had those exact same feelings and do the exact same thing with the amount of paperwork that builds up over time. I really wish I never had a mailbox to begin with, but that 1% of the time something important is there.

I have found amphetamines/adderall helped curb the overwhelming anxiety around it, but I had to stop the medication because of the insane irritability and other bad side effects when the medication wears off.

It's almost impossible to not have your personal issues affect your work life. Some businesses really like someone who is organized and knows how to tidy things up, but I think it's the insane stress and anxiety around it is more bothersome than anything. The world is way too messy and chaotic for people who function this way.
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 04:20 PM
  #6
Enthalpy - That is so interesting about the stimulants/Adderall. I would have thought the reverse. I was on Ritalin in the past. It helped somewhat with depression and depressed agitation.

Thanks very much for your other comments on paper clutter. Since coming to this online support group, I have learned over and over that none of my emotional difficulties are unique to me. For some reason, I find that comforting. There's always someone out there who's been in the same pair of shoes. It's all part of the human condition.

Luckily, I'm retired. I don't have work stress. Just taking care of me at home is enough right now. Since Sunday, my anxiety has felt almost overwhelming. I'm taking life one hour at a time.
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 05:45 PM
  #7
I wish I could go back to how I felt just a few months ago. I never expected one freak medical problem to do what this has done to me. You never know when your life can change a lot.
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I'm kind of new to the anxiety forums. My diagnosis is "persistent depressive disorder with anxiety." Mainly I've always worried about battling bouts of depression.

I think depression is actually a way to escape anxiety. And it sort of works. Right now, however, I have escalating anxiety, and there seems to be no escaping it. I'm hoping someone reading this might have some tips.

I take amitriptyline (Elavil) for depression. It helps. I don't take anything specifically for anxiety. Years ago, I took librium. That helped me fall asleep at night. I don't take it anymore. Last year one provider ordered Latuda for me. I never did try it. Maybe I should.

I have kind of an OCD type of mind. I like to have everything in my apartment carefully arranged. Due to a lot of problems I faced over the past year, my apartment has become chaotic. I tend to collect a lot of paperwork. I'ld describe myself as having mild hoarding tendencies. I used to have a good filing system that I stuck to. That went off the rails, and I've got hundreds of folders and manilla envelopes full of stuff in various piles all over the house. I can never find important paperwork that I need.

Lately, I've been wishing my apartment would catch on fire, and all my piles of stuff would go up in smoke. That's meant as a joke, but the anxiety I feel is no joke. Believe me - there is nothing funny about my state of mind when I look around me. I spent most of yesterday sobbing.

I would like to get some medication for anxiety - specifically, a benzo. That's unlikely because I take an opioid pain killer (vicodin 10 mg/ twice daily.) Doctors don't seem to want me to have more than one narcotic med. In the past, I tried Gabapentin, which just made me eat and eat.

All my life I suffered with insomnia. I think that is related to anxiety. Last night I slept from 1 a.m. until 3:15 a.m. That's it! Sometimes I can sleep the day away. Sometimes I go 2 days with no sleep.

I was just in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer. It was so bad they gave me a blood transfusion. Now I'm worried about that. Last year, my long-time sweetheart died of lung cancer. He used to help calm me down from fretting so much. That support is gone. For the past year, I worried about getting COVID. (Now I'm vaccinated.) I still worry.

This is a big pile of stuff I've listed. It's a big junk heap, like how my apartment looks. Maybe someone can relate to some aspect of my problem. Oh - I also have pretty severe social anxiety that caused me endless pain during my childhood. I used to find that alcohol helped a good bit, but I drink very little in the past ten years (a white wine spritzer with dinner some nights.) It just doesn't agree with me anymore. I get too much heartburn and nausea.

I'll try to read other people's experiences with anxiety. Any tips or encouragement will be much appreciated. Thanks for your patience reading this.

I can relate to the piles of paper although I know where everything is , it’s just not all filed away. For me it’s working ft.

As ptsd is an anxiety disorder , I’ve got a lot of years living with it.

I would say my first question to you is what outside help are you getting?
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 10:42 PM
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I can relate to the piles of paper although I know where everything is , it’s just not all filed away. For me it’s working ft.

As ptsd is an anxiety disorder , I’ve got a lot of years living with it.

I would say my first question to you is what outside help are you getting?
If you're referring to psych help, I'm not getting any specific help. My PCP who is a PA orders my antidepressant. I just take that one psych med. Last year, adter my bf died, I followed up on a referral to get psych med management and maybe some therapy. But it was all done via "Zoom," and it just seemed so mechanical. I'ld have an interview with a psych nurse practitioner. I see her on the screen of my phone. She be typing away at her desktop. She read off questions from her computer monitor and typed every answer I gave. It was like talking to a robot.

The hospital case manager
offered to set up visits from a home attendant to help me while I am this weak. I literally am challenged to vacuum the place. But I thought that was a bit over-kill. I'm neither quite that old, or that incapacitated. I guess they were concerned because I have no family anywhere near me. (They're far, far away.)

I'll try to do a bit every few hours. I coukd hire some help, if I want something strenuous done. We had home attendants when my bf was sick. They arrive with zero skills.

I'll manage. I have a nextdoor neighbor who's a genius at organization. We just had a nice, long visit. I'll get some tips and inspiration from her.

A year ago I was caregiving around the clock with my bf. He couldn't walk. I would shower him, toilet him, lift him in and out of the car, cook, clean and trim his rose bushes. To go from being that able-bodied to hardly able to walk across a parking lot is just unbelieveable to me. And the doctors don't know where in my gut the blood is draining from. They believe I have a slow, continuous bleed somewhere.

So I'm anxious about where this situation is going. I was often anemic as a child and as a real young adult. I would take iron pills and be fine. But severe anemia that recurs is a whole different animal. It's incapacitating. So I am anxious about where this is all going.
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 10:45 PM
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I went to a therapist once for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I hated the first session and never went back. It involved the therapist hitting a gong and telling me to think about nothing . . . then hitting a gong again.
O. M. G. Cuz all i would be thinking is where the therapist could put that gong.

Its not fair when therapists are funnier than comedians, however inadvertently.
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Default Jul 20, 2021 at 10:48 PM
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O. M. G. Cuz all i would be thinking is where the therapist could put that gong.

Its not fair when therapists are funnier than comedians, however inadvertently.
You've voiced pretty much what I thought.
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Default Jul 21, 2021 at 07:33 AM
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If you're referring to psych help, I'm not getting any specific help. My PCP who is a PA orders my antidepressant. I just take that one psych med. Last year, adter my bf died, I followed up on a referral to get psych med management and maybe some therapy. But it was all done via "Zoom," and it just seemed so mechanical. I'ld have an interview with a psych nurse practitioner. I see her on the screen of my phone. She be typing away at her desktop. She read off questions from her computer monitor and typed every answer I gave. It was like talking to a robot.

The hospital case manager
offered to set up visits from a home attendant to help me while I am this weak. I literally am challenged to vacuum the place. But I thought that was a bit over-kill. I'm neither quite that old, or that incapacitated. I guess they were concerned because I have no family anywhere near me. (They're far, far away.)

I'll try to do a bit every few hours. I coukd hire some help, if I want something strenuous done. We had home attendants when my bf was sick. They arrive with zero skills.

I'll manage. I have a nextdoor neighbor who's a genius at organization. We just had a nice, long visit. I'll get some tips and inspiration from her.

A year ago I was caregiving around the clock with my bf. He couldn't walk. I would shower him, toilet him, lift him in and out of the car, cook, clean and trim his rose bushes. To go from being that able-bodied to hardly able to walk across a parking lot is just unbelieveable to me. And the doctors don't know where in my gut the blood is draining from. They believe I have a slow, continuous bleed somewhere.

So I'm anxious about where this situation is going. I was often anemic as a child and as a real young adult. I would take iron pills and be fine. But severe anemia that recurs is a whole different animal. It's incapacitating. So I am anxious about where this is all going.
I’m sorry for your suffering

Last edited by leomama; Jul 21, 2021 at 09:39 AM..
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Default Jul 22, 2021 at 10:18 AM
  #13
I'm having what I would call moderately severe anxiety. It is awful. I break down crying because of it. Like I'm being terrorized.

It seems related to me being in the hospital last week. Yesterday I was still light-headed and weak in my legs. So I worry that I'm still bleeding internally.

Right now I feel like my mental health is a bigger problem than my very real physical health issue, the severe anemia.

I see a doctor this morning. I'm afraid this doctor will not care about my mental distress.
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Default Jul 23, 2021 at 07:08 PM
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I hope your doctor visit went well.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 02:04 PM
  #15
My visit to a doctor at the primary care clinic where I go went way, way beyter than my expectations. It was a female MD I hadn't met before, who was so nice and caring. I felt I could talk to her and I was open telling her about my awful anxiety, as well as the continued fatigue and weakness. She brought up my labs on her desktop monitor. It seems I am still very anemic. Plus, she said I was dehydrated. She had a nurse give me a liter of fluid intravenously and draw blood. (I didn't even know they ever did I/Vs in this clinic.) She said she would call me with the results next morning and advise me to go to the ER, if the values were critical. Plus, she ordered some Ativan for my anxiety. When she called, she said the labs were not bad enough for me to go back to the hospital.

After seeing her I picked up the Ativan. I took some, which seemed to take the edge of this horrible fretting I was doing. (I took 2 mg, which was more than I was supposed to take, but I knew I needed that much.) I haven't taken any more, since that one time, 2 days ago. The anxiety just didn't come back. What an impact a caring, attentive physician can have. The nurse and MAs were nice also. I feel so lucky to have had such a good experience.

So I'm taking my iron pills. My lab values are still well below normal. I'm going to ask for some I/V iron, which I've had in the past. So much of what I thought was depression was really anemia. I wonder how much better I'ld feel, if my blood was fully up to normal.

Yesterday, I was able to clean my kitchen and cook a pot of chili. I'll try to do more housework today, but I know I still tire easily.

Anyone suffering from depression should get checked for anemia. It's amazing how similar they feel.

I've gotten good moral support from my far away family and a nearby friend. One nearby friend has been very unhelpful. For some bizarre reason she started giving me a lecture on how I better not go feeling sorry for myself . . . and how she's going to keep reminding me of that. I don't even know what I said to bring that on. She's a person who likes to needle others and kick people when they're down. Suddenly I think I understand the term "micro-aggression." That's exactly what this person does. Strange . . . because she's always wanting to phone me and spend time with me. As part of my self-care, I think I'm going to put more distance between us. At some point, I'm going to explain to her that no one has a right to tell anyone how they should, or shouldn't, feel. Also what she passes off as playful teasing is really mean needling. I'm going to let her know I am sick of it, especially when I'm having significant health issues.

I hope this is the beginning of me turning things around and feeling a lot better. I've felt crappy for too long now.
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 02:27 PM
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I think you’ve been through a lot, lately, whatever you do to combat the anxiety do be kind/gentle with yourself. I can relate to the hoarding certain items, but then being caused anxiety by it later. I’ve had several attempts at organising my bedroom which have ended with me breaking out in a cold sweat. Hopefully your neighbour can provide you with some relief in this regard!
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 09:54 PM
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Roxanne - I had been losing respect for myself for weeks because I was not keeping up with normal, daily chores. Now I understand that I was genuinely weak and tired. That's going to take weeks, at least, to turn around, and I have to be patient.

Disorganization can be extremely stressful, as you describe in dealing with your bedroom. I can only do a little at a time.

I went to Costco to buy some steaks to add more iron to my diet. After parking my car, I struggled to cross the parking lot. I was staggering by the time I got to the entrance. Getting a shopping cart helped because I could rest my arms on it and lean some of my weight on my arms. The doctors have said to just take iron pills and vitamin C together. That could take months, and might never get my blood fully where it should be. I made an appointment for Monday. I'm going in and requesting treatment with I/V iron, which I've had in the past. Serious anemia is badly impacting my mental health. I need the treatment that will work the quickest.
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 09:58 PM
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Dear Rose76,

I struggle with anxiety too. It is brutal, brutal illness. So my heart goes out to you! My doctor prescribed a medication called Buspirone. He added it to the Celexa I take for depression. It seems to help me a lot. I realize that what helps one person might not work for someone else or not be good for them so I cannot give advice. I can only share what helps me. Hopefully you and your physician will be able to find something that helps you.

Something called Cognitive Therapy helps me a lot too. To be honest, face to face Cognitive Therapy didn't really help. Reading self-help books by famous Cognitive Therapists did help me though. I am so very, very sorry you are burdened with anxiety!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
@Yahowen, how has the Buspirone affected your memory? Do you have brain fog or are forgetful?
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 10:58 PM
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Hey @Rose76

Quote:
I would like to get some medication for anxiety - specifically, a benzo. That's unlikely because I take an opioid pain killer (vicodin 10 mg/ twice daily.) Doctors don't seem to want me to have more than one narcotic med. In the past, I tried Gabapentin, which just made me eat and eat.
I take an opiate and ive been under pain mangement for 4 years. I have taken benzos on and off the whole time. And I take adderall for adhd and BPII and i have been on that for 17 years. And I have trialed sleep meds which are all controlled substances. What kind of doctors do you have? are they understanding?
Quote:
All my life I suffered with insomnia. I think that is related to anxiety. Last night I slept from 1 a.m. until 3:15 a.m. That's it! Sometimes I can sleep the day away. Sometimes I go 2 days with no sleep.
I have had sleep issues since I was 6. I URGE you, (I mean really really encourage you to see a sleep specialist and have a sleep study done.
Insomnia is real and NO, its not a psychiatric issue if its such a long term issue.
I dont want to bore you with my results unless you want to know. I am being referred to a sleep clinic to take a 6 week online course that is supposed to help. I also started a new med called bellsomra and so far its useless. I slept 4 hr last night and prior to that I was up for two days.

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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 12:07 AM
  #20
Hi Sarah - it sounds like you are gettin effective care from doctors who respect you. In my case, it was one particular primary care doctor who I went to for years and liked. He announced one day that he would no longer order Vicodin (hydrocodone) for me, unless I immediately stopped taking Restoril (a benzo sleeper.) He said, "If you don't like it, write your congressman." - like this was forced on him by the federal govt. My psychiatrist, who was prescribing the Restoril, said he knew of no regulation requiring I not get both meds, and be thought my PCP was being arbitrary. So maybe I have not been served well by where I get my healthcare. It's a family practice clinic associated with a university teaching hospital.

I did go for a sleep study when I developed Restless Leg Syndrome. It was done overnight in a place set up to do that. I had electrodes attached to my head and other stuff attached to me, and I was watched and monitored all night. Their conclusion was that my oxygen level dropped below normal now and then. They said I needed to be on C-Pap and continuous oxygen every night. I declined the treatment because it sounded like an uncomfortable way to sleep. Plus I think C-Pap equipment breeds germs.

For some reason, lying down gives me a stuffy nose. Just one side at a time. When I lie on my left side, my left nostril completely closes. I deal with it by keeping a spray decongestant on the bedstand. When stuffiness wakes me up, I take a few squirts and I'm fine.

My sleep disorder goes back to childhood too. When I was 25 y.o. I was put on amitriptyline and Librium. That combo med 85% cured my sleep difficulty and radically changed my life. I was able to stop dropping out of school and complete my education. I was able to work at a day job.

Now I just take the amitriptyline (an old-fashioned antidepressant.) After years of taking Librium I got very habituated to it, while it seemed less and less effective. However, if I ran out of it, after a week without it, I would have a terrible withdrawal syndrome, which I would describe as akathisia. That's extreme restlessness that could drive a person insane. So I would try to never get habituated to a benzo again. But, as the old adage goes, there's a time and a place for everything.

As for the RLS, that was totally caused by anemia. Restless legs at night is horrible. Intravenous iron completely stops it in one treatment, in my case.
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