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Lizzie1813
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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 08:01 PM
  #1
My cousin volunteered me to do the arts and crafts at Vacation Bible School. I couldn’t say that I didn’t want to because she did it with me right there in front of the children’s director. I’ve been dreading it for a month because I knew the noise and high energy of large groups of kids would make me super anxious. It started last night. Tonight, we got there early to prepare. I’m a quiet person, and that bugs her. I guess I wasn’t being chatty enough so she asked how I was. I said I was nervous. She knows about my diagnoses including bipolar. She just doesn’t get that I struggle to be in social situations. She said, “I need you to quit that. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Nothing scary or dangerous is going to happen. I need you to be engaged.” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I wanted to run and hide. Does anyone else have friends or family members who won’t try to be understanding and compassionate? I’m crying right now as I write this. The anxiety tonight was hard. I felt faint, and I was sweating the whole time. Just because she’s the sort of person who never meets a strange and is a total extrovert doesn’t mean I can be the same way. I just wish she wouldn’t fuss when I get anxious. She’s so dismissive anytime I’m visibly struggling. And if I try to speak up for myself she gets huffy. I don’t know how to cope with her pushing me to do things that make me scared. Thank you for reading. Any advice is welcome.
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 11:34 AM
  #2
Dear Lizzie1813,

I am so very, very sorry your cousin is so insensitive towards you. People not afflicted with mental illness can be downright cruel to those who are because of their lack on knowledge, experience and empathy.

I suffer depression and once it got so bad that I had to check myself into a psychiatric hospital for recovery. After that happened, something in me changed. I now regard the preservation of my mental health and well being as my highest priority because if I lose that, I lose everything. I try to do whatever is necessary to safeguard my mental health.

And that includes sometimes being firm with those who are unkind to me and even deceiving them if that is the only thing that works. I will feign a migraine headache, for example, to preserve my mental health from people who are exhibiting toxic behavior towards me.

Nature's first law is self-defense. At first I felt a little guilty over some of the things I had to do to preserve my health, but now I feel that if I don't protect myself, who will? I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital again. For one thing, it is very expensive.

People who push me into things that risk my mental health are not being friendly. They are being aggressors, even if they don't think they are or know they are.

Imagine telling a paralyzed person to get up and go for a walk. That would be an unimaginably insensitive and cruel thing to do. But many people do not believe in mental illness. They falsely believe there is no such thing and that the actions of the mentally ill are caused by character flaws. Perhaps your cousin is one of these kinds of people. I don't know.

There are many books out there on how to deal with people trying to control you. I imagine that on the internet there are many articles available written by psychologists on how to deal with "controlling people."

I wish I had some good advice to give you but sadly I lack such wisdom. Hopefully others here, those with more knowledge, experience and insight, will see your post and respond to it with more helpful words than my poor words!

My heart goes out to you and I hope you find things that help you in the situation you describe. Sorry that I could not be very helpful!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 08:04 PM
  #3
Yao Wen,

Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post. It means the world for me to feel heard. I too have spent time in a psychiatric hospital…5 times…my last stay lasted six weeks. I don’t want to go back either. I wish we didn’t face so much stigma because of our illnesses. You’re right that people view physical illnesses and disabilities through a different lens. Compassion should be a gift to everyone. You said you were sorry you didn’t have wisdom to share, but you do, and you did. I wish I could tell you how much it helps that you took the time to read my words and to reply with such kindness.

Wishing you joy,

Lizzie
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 12:53 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzie1813 View Post
My cousin volunteered me to do the arts and crafts at Vacation Bible School. I couldn’t say that I didn’t want to because she did it with me right there in front of the children’s director. I’ve been dreading it for a month because I knew the noise and high energy of large groups of kids would make me super anxious. It started last night. Tonight, we got there early to prepare. I’m a quiet person, and that bugs her. I guess I wasn’t being chatty enough so she asked how I was. I said I was nervous. She knows about my diagnoses including bipolar. She just doesn’t get that I struggle to be in social situations. She said, “I need you to quit that. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Nothing scary or dangerous is going to happen. I need you to be engaged.” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I wanted to run and hide. Does anyone else have friends or family members who won’t try to be understanding and compassionate? I’m crying right now as I write this. The anxiety tonight was hard. I felt faint, and I was sweating the whole time. Just because she’s the sort of person who never meets a strange and is a total extrovert doesn’t mean I can be the same way. I just wish she wouldn’t fuss when I get anxious. She’s so dismissive anytime I’m visibly struggling. And if I try to speak up for myself she gets huffy. I don’t know how to cope with her pushing me to do things that make me scared. Thank you for reading. Any advice is welcome.
Sorry to hear your cousin does not understand what you are going through. Do you enjoy arts and crafts, and if so you could focus on explaining how to do the particular project you are working on. For me, I’d be less nervous for something not work related, but if it’s work related would be worried about being judged and would not have fun. Hope it goes ok.

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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 09:05 AM
  #5
Zapatoes,

Thank you for reading and replying. 😊 Yes, I love art! The trouble was being in the midst of chaos. The kids were sweethearts, of course. My brain magnifies things and that sets off anxiety and panic. VBS only lasted three nights, so it’s over now. I hope you have a good day!

Lizzie
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Default Jul 08, 2021 at 06:13 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Lizzie1813 View Post
My cousin volunteered me to do the arts and crafts at Vacation Bible School. I couldn’t say that I didn’t want to because she did it with me right there in front of the children’s director. I’ve been dreading it for a month because I knew the noise and high energy of large groups of kids would make me super anxious. It started last night. Tonight, we got there early to prepare. I’m a quiet person, and that bugs her. I guess I wasn’t being chatty enough so she asked how I was. I said I was nervous. She knows about my diagnoses including bipolar. She just doesn’t get that I struggle to be in social situations. She said, “I need you to quit that. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Nothing scary or dangerous is going to happen. I need you to be engaged.” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I wanted to run and hide. Does anyone else have friends or family members who won’t try to be understanding and compassionate? I’m crying right now as I write this. The anxiety tonight was hard. I felt faint, and I was sweating the whole time. Just because she’s the sort of person who never meets a strange and is a total extrovert doesn’t mean I can be the same way. I just wish she wouldn’t fuss when I get anxious. She’s so dismissive anytime I’m visibly struggling. And if I try to speak up for myself she gets huffy. I don’t know how to cope with her pushing me to do things that make me scared. Thank you for reading. Any advice is welcome.
I'm very sorry your cousin was so insensitive. I agree that some people not affected by mental illness can be downright cruel

''She's so dismissive anytime I'm visibly struggling. And if I try to speak up for myself she gets huffy''..... This sounds exactly like a relative of mine. Grrrrrrrr.

Hugs and respect to you

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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 09:37 AM
  #7
Lizzie, this cousin of yours makes me so angry. I do know how it feels to be treated dismissively. Your cousin twice started with "I need . . . " She told the truth. It was about what SHE wanted, not what YOU needed. She offered FAKE reassurance. She was acting all superior and treating you like a misbehaving child. This person will always make you feel worse, if you confide in her about any distress you feel. She is smug and condescending.

A member of my family likes to say, "Use your coping skills." So I know to never reveal to her if I'm in the midst of some emotional difficulty. I'm so sorry you got that treatment from your cousin. I don't like to tell anyone that I know how they feel. Right now, though, I'll make an exception. I think I know exactly how you feel. That's why I can actually feel anger on your behalf. She masqueraded as being supportive of you, when she was really showing disdain or contempt for you. People like that are the worst!
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 12:37 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
Lizzie, this cousin of yours makes me so angry. I do know how it feels to be treated dismissively. Your cousin twice started with "I need . . . " She told the truth. It was about what SHE wanted, not what YOU needed. She offered FAKE reassurance. She was acting all superior and treating you like a misbehaving child. This person will always make you feel worse, if you confide in her about any distress you feel. She is smug and condescending.

A member of my family likes to say, "Use your coping skills." So I know to never reveal to her if I'm in the midst of some emotional difficulty. I'm so sorry you got that treatment from your cousin. I don't like to tell anyone that I know how they feel. Right now, though, I'll make an exception. I think I know exactly how you feel. That's why I can actually feel anger on your behalf. She masqueraded as being supportive of you, when she was really showing disdain or contempt for you. People like that are the worst!
Thank you so much for your understanding! It means the world. You’re right that she was focusing on what she wanted me to do instead of what I needed in that moment which was compassion. She is ten years older than me, and she’s said that she still sees me as a kid. Her attempts at suggesting things in a “helpful” way leave me feeling like I’m not good enough. Her husband has even said, “She’s a grown lady. She doesn’t need you to tell her what to do.” They have done a lot for me, for example, giving me loans to help me out. I always pay them back. I think she feels like that entitles her to tell me what to do and makes it okay for her to criticize me. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I don’t want to upset her. I know she’s always loved me. She just doesn’t “get” me. Thank you again. I hope you’re having a good day.
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Default Jul 10, 2021 at 01:02 PM
  #9
That's great that your cousin loves you and has been willing to give you a loan now and then. Still, I have found that even someone who loves me can be denigrating to the point that I'ld almost call it emotional abuse. You're a saint to be so willing to cut your cousin some slack. She's not cutting you any. You are kind enough to not want to upset her. Be nice if that was reciprocated.
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