Just need to ventilate

After years of trying to figure out what's wrong with me, I think it all comes down to anxiety. The covid crisis has confirmed me in that. I have quite the psychiatric history with hospitalizations and heavy medication. I managed to get most of that under control 7 years ago. But the anxiety has always been there on the background. I met my girlfriend 6 years ago and the first 4,5 years were the best I've ever felt in my live. Sinds the last 1,5 year I feel the relationship is going downhill. Allthough I still love her very much, I know that her love for me is fading away.

I have a bit of a lack of social life outside my relationship. I used to be a student (med school) and had to study very hard and had big financial troubles (that I never really told her about). Then I started working as an independent (now almost 2 years) and ironically thanks to covid it is doing very well. Up until the point that my financial troubles have completely faded away. Yet I'm not happy. To achieve this, I had practically only one week of holidays in the last 1,5 year. For the rest I worked long and hard hours (sometimes day and night). But I did it because I love my job, and to become financially independent so I could secure a good future for the both of us. So that I could finally ask her to marry me, without her having to share my dept (which was gigantic). But now she doesn't love me anymore.

A few weeks ago, she went to her parents. She has been there now for more than three weeks and we only talked once, shortly. She doesn't answer my phonecalls. Only when I text her sometimes she writes back.

Because of all the stress this has given me, I took this week of. But I'm not relaxing. It's cold and raining all day and I'm home alone with our cat (thank God he is there). But I realize, that since I started working, I never really took the time to build a social live outside my relationship. I did some effort when I joined a language course, but it became virtual because of covid. And since then, for me, for whom it always has been an anxious experience to meet new people, it got much worse. I feel so lonely.

All I want is to be with my girlfriend, but it seems she has lost all interest in me and wants to be left alone. The alternative, sitting at home, is even more horrible to me then just going back to work. When I leave the house now, I just feel like getting anxiety attacks anywhere I go. Yesterday I almost had one while driving my car to get groceries. It's so silly, because I don't have that when going to work. At work I feel usefull; at home I'm just a waste.

At this point, I don't really know what to do anymore. A psychologist told me once that for me the cause is bad cognitions about myself, a lack of social life, and a lack of connection with the outside world. And that I require to take action. And he has a point. Only I can solve my own problems. Because basicly, everyone is dealing with their own demons (I know that from work). But that leaves me in a situation where I know that I have to do something, but where I'm too scared to do it.

I'm so scared to be alone, yet I'm also scared to meet new people. I don't want to lose my girlfriend, but staying together makes us both unhappy. I feel trapped and I don't have anyone to talk about these things. So that's why I ventilate it here. Thanks to anyone who read it.

I totally relate to that, and to a lot of what you wrote. I have no advice, but I do understand.

I can totally relate, being an anxiety survivor myself I can say it can be very terrifying. I did manage to overcome it, granted it still eeks out occasionally. But, I have enough to keep it under control

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