Friendship anxieties

A lot of people are lacking in communication skills.Friends or not.I wanted to start threads on here but hesitate to do so.May be my threads won't be interesting enough for people to hop on with replies.For now I will just read and reply to threads .I too started to dump one sided relationships. Oh boy too many are falling under that category and I will be alone soon inevitably.

You initial post on this thread sure resonated with me. I almost could have written it. As early as 3rd grade, age 8, I was walking around at recess time at school by myself . . . wondering how I could connect with some other kids. I didn't feel disliked. Other kids weren't mean to me. I just didn't know what to say. I was fine at home with my siblings. But making small talk with others outside my home just was something I didn't know how to do. I saw this described very well in the DSM as a social phobia of childhood, where the child is governed by "fear of rejection" and can only relax, socially, in the company of others where there is total faith in being accepted, like with immediate family. That described me to a T. Like you, I always waited for others to initiate saying hello. I always worried that I might be intruding or bothering others, if I initiated an approach.

You come across as very socially appropriate and empathetic. Your posts are thoughful and not, in any way, tedious to read, as happens when a person is overly self-absorbed. You strike me as having plenty of social potential.

To be human is to need friendship. I don't believe that anyone can live with little social connectedness and not feel emotionally distressed. It's a basic human need. Even monks are maintained emotionally by their close integration within a community of mutual caring. So I would not advise you to give up on trying to build meaningful relationships. I was in a close relationship with my partner for 36 years. Now he is gone . . . passed away 3 years ago. I've dealt with the grief successfully. Now I mostly smile inside, when I think of him, which is a few dozen times a day. I'm so glad we had each other. However, I am now in considerable distress due to spending way too much time alone. It's not good to have all your eggs in one basket. Even if your dear husband is destined to outlive you, you need other relationships. You need them now, and you certainly need to not be left isolated, if you were to lose him. I speak from experience.

You have, perhaps, been frittering away your energy and attention on persons who are not really worthy of the investment you've made in them. You sense that yourself, and you're starting to pull back. Like you said, if I understood, you hang back and wait for others to select you. That's what I've done all my life. That's not a strategy for ending up with high-quality friends. I'm talking to myself, as much as to you. We need to start being the selectors. Just a thought.

Sorry to hear that. I often worry about friendships too. I have thankfully been able to ease up a bit. That’s only because a few people have been brutally honest with me & how I need to stop ‘chading’ people & to give them space.

I’m not suffocating, but I to find it hard to deal with social situations at times. It seems like I’m usually the one who wants & need a close friendship. Most people don’t want that or they aren’t looking for any close friends as they probably have enough close friends as it is.

Idk. I just know that they don’t really want a close friendship with me. I might be slightly autistic or have autistic traits too. I don’t understand some thins like why people constantly say things they don’t mean like I’ll text you & they never do.

It took me awhile to figure out that was a polite brush off. You’re not alone in this. Trying to make friends takes a lot of work. I think that you worry about being rejected like I do. I rately even feel comfortable with most of the friends I already haveas they could just disappear at any moment.

Thanks, a lot of what you write does resonate with me, I’m really sorry you’ve been struggling with this too and like me it sounds lifelong?

I wish I had more answers - for all of us who struggle in this way. I do appreciate what you’ve shared, and I hope that you’ve gained something too from sharing.

What I’m doing these days is a lot of self care, focusing on things that make me feel content and accomplished, strangely a lot of that is household chores, they actually ground me. Exercise helps me feel good. I know I wrote about volunteering and you weren’t sure it was right for you but I was lucky enough to find one volunteer job which ticks so many boxes for me - although not all of those jobs are as good, it’s trial and error often.

This is going to sound a bit sappy but in a way it’s a bit like being your own best friend if that makes sense. Nurturing yourself and what keeps you happy.

People can be downright strange sometimes no doubt about it, I can feel the bewilderment you describe in your posts and I’m sorry for it. Be kind to yourself @jesyka

I have realized, rather a bit late that focusing on myself is what is needed for healing.My requirements are really very simple,yet I was resentful because I ignored my needs since long.I focused more on others and was most likely groomed to become a giver since early childhood. The more I did for others sacrificing myself and my needs,the more people expected from me.The takers never had any gratitude for what I did.The goal posts moved higher and higher.I was always told what I did for others was never enough.So what's the point?No body will care if I dropped dead.Now I take care of myself.I fulfil my needs.I have gratitude for what I have and I am enough.I also feel good doing chores around the house and yard.Keeping our own house in order is the first priority, so to speak. And I have been feeling better.

Coming back to this one.

The friend who didn’t reply to my text asking if she’d like to meet up 15 months ago …. I’m still puzzled by that but it’s not hurt now it’s more like just “Why”…. We’d known each other for 7 years, not close friends, but I thought we were pals. We never had a cross word.

Anyhow I’m okay, I’m not really interested in forging new friendships, although if they came along I wouldn’t say no. I feel content and happy in myself mostly. If this friend did get in touch now I’d not be interested in re establishing a connection.

Something similar happens to me with my only friend.
We were exchanging messages to meet each other. For different reasons we postponed the meeting. Last time I took the initiative but he was busy and now I have been waiting for him to initiated but he hasn’t done it.
I doubt whether contacting him again or not. I don’t want to force him. Maybe I will only contact him to ask how the course began. He’s also a teacher. I don’t know it. I have my doubts because I know he appreciate me.

Maybe, you could contact her only to ask how she is doing and see what happens. How do you think she sees your friendship? Each case is different. What do your guts tell you?

I believe that is IS pragmatic rather than negative thinking about friendships. Society has programmed us to shun anything/anyone who doesn't conform to social norms.

Well, not everyone requires friendship to thrive. And that doesn't mean they have a mental illness, in my humble opinion.

I have always been a veery outgoing introvert. That personality style (INFJ) is veery difficult for some people to adjust to and accept.

Trying to figure out other people's social cues isn't necessarily autistic (although it could be). There are health conditions (not related to mental illness) that contribute to people's difficulty reading social cues.

And, it could also be related to social anxiety disorder too. I'm just thinking out loud and brainstorming causes of social anxiety, since I suffer from that myself.

Social Cues: What They Are and How to Read Them

Friendship may or may not be for you or me in the way it works for most people. That doesn't negate our need for social connection with others, either.
Everyone is different in that sense.

For instance, I despise text messaging (as I have complained in my threads on PC). So, I tend not to forge friendships with people whose communication preference is via email, instant messaging or text messaging. I prefer face to face or phone communication. Finding those same types of people is difficult, but I know they have to be out there.

Find out what your preferences are and let people know so that you can choose whether or not to invest your time getting to know that person based on their preferneces. Does that help at all?

It sounds like your friend has a busy life too Azul? If it’s a short gap, like a few weeks or so then I’d not worry he’s probably caught up in a busy time, 15 months however is more ominous. Birthdays and Christmas passed with no word….

That’s an interesting question, how do I think my friend saw our friendship…? I’m really not sure, she seemed happy and relaxed in my company but maybe she was just acting? I really don’t know. I do think I was usually the one who reached out first. That’s not always a bad thing, I have another friend who I usually reach out first to but she’s reciprocal and that seems like a balance.

I won’t contact her, not after this lengthy time. I think if she’d had any care for me she’d have wanted to know how I was. Simple as that.

This is a very interesting post to me, thanks. You raise very good points about not necessarily needing friends and not necessarily having a mental illness or condition. I do think I have a tendency to want to identify what it is about me that makes me behave in a certain way!

Not surprisingly I know my Myers-Briggs too and I’m ISFJ which possibly explains why your posts often make such good sense to me! We’re described as sociable introverts and that describes me very well. Very interested in people and human nature, but liking alone space very much.

When I was a child I would play with others but my preference was the make believe space in my room, on my own. My mother would worry about this and heavily try to coax me outside to play games that were louder more unpredictable and boisterous than I wanted. The more she coaxed the more I got to feel there was something wrong with me…. Why didn’t I want to play those loud outdoor games like the others? I just wanted to stay in my make believe space or drawing.

I don’t think now that I was wrong. Just a little different to many others.

your first part of your post is like me, too.

at recess, all the kids would be playing on the swings or the slide- or even playing football

I would just be standing out by the bins. we had a yellow bin at our school and when ever it was play time I would just stand next to it.

I’m sorry, Disco. I replied taking into account only your new post not the original one.

Hey, that’s okay, I appreciate your posts!

Sending hugs!

I don’t even know how to have friends.
That seems like real person stuff.

I had years where I had no friends at all, it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not a real person.

It’s been a very long time. It feels like it means something.

Do you feel like you want to develop friendships? Maybe here might be a safe place to start?

Everyone has to start somewhere and if you’re socially anxious you’re not alone.

I wouldn’t even know where to start

I don’t know if you’ve tried posting on the games threads here? I’ve always found them friendly, but quite low expectations.