Friendship anxieties

Well it’s early in the morning here and I’m almost off to work but thanks for the replies.

One of my friends who wouldn’t get back to me became better at doing that this year, after I stopped initiating. But another friend didn’t get back to me at all. So I guess it can go either way.

My h has needed more help this year so naturally I’ve been with him, likewise my parents have needed more of my time and energy. So I am around people, plus I socialise in my workplace on a basic day to day level so luckily I’m not isolated.

On a superficial level I’m fine, I’m the kind of person who can and does make conversation easily, so that’s good. In fact I’d say if you met me you’d never guess the issues I’ve had with one sided friendships.

Actually I read up a bit on one sided friendships yesterday and it was interesting.

I did listen to this person a fair bit although not so much in a support dynamic, this most recent friend I mention who doesn’t initiate is nice and a lively sort, but I wonder if I maybe was on occasion nothing more than an audience to her stories. She is an interesting and entertaining person. We kind of bonded over similar humour.

But when I look back she didn’t really ask too many questions about me. So that may be a sign.

Anyhow the one sided friendships angle is one for me to ponder on. Why do I end up with this dynamic so often.

Edit: I realised that I was aware that sometimes she interrupted me when I was saying something, and seemed like she would change the subject. It made me feel like I was boring her. Maybe I was boring her. Yet I didn’t talk excessively.

Yes I’m going that way myself, who wants to prolong the friend dumping. Two sounds about right.

I’ve had that happen to me plenty of times too with other people. I have often felt like some people just want to use me as a sounding board.

It’s not a healthy dynamic. The fact that she interrupts & doesn’t listen isn’t a good sign.

You deserve better friends than that. I wouldn’t even acknowledge her on FB if she is ignoring you on there too. I’d just unfriend someone like her. You don’t seem like you’re that important to her at all.

Sone people just want an audience or followers.

Yeah it’s definitely not a good sign.

I’ve picked over the last couple of friend dumpers (frumpers?) although the second one isn’t a confirmed dumper it’s looking that it might go that way and I don’t think I did anything wrong. I listened, I kept in touch, I remembered birthdays, I gave gifts, I hope I was fun company although that is something only they could decide.

I’ve not decided what to do about my most recent possible dumper friendship, I guess I could try getting in touch but I’m unsure if it’s wise. Maybe she’s bored with me. Maybe I need to take the hint.

Thinking out loud.

You sound like you're dealing with the same thing as me. I've had a lot of failed friendships. I figured out over the last year that I have both Autism and ADHD. I realized this at 41.

I notice now that if I try to open myself up and "put myself out there," I feel like I trigger some PTSD. I get very anxious and filled with so much despair that I tend to just withdrawal again.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me, did you get an official diagnosis do you mind me asking?

Yes it is stressful for me too to put myself out there, yet I’ve pushed through a few times, I don’t seem as resilient or brave these days however.

The most recent friend who dropped away, I’ve just let it go, I did stop interacting with her on social media, I didn’t unfriend or anything but I did unfollow so I don’t get her posts in my feed anymore. Tbh she did post a lot about everything she did, I’d noticed that, and that isn’t my way at all. So maybe we were fundamentally more different than I realised. I still think she’s a nice person just maybe we weren’t meant to be friends other than very casual acquaintances.

No official diagnosis. At this stage in my life, there's no real point in making it official, but I'm 100% sure. It explains a lot of issues I've had throughout my life.

I know what you mean. That's a bit of an issue I have. I don't know what to post online. or even really what to say. I think my ability to trust people is just broken now. It's very hard for me.

So today I deleted all my posts on Facebook going back 10 years, I didn’t like having personal photos/info on there anymore, I disabled my account too, I may delete it completely but I’m a bit nervous of losing contacts especially for work.

I still feel like on one level I’m doing okay, employed, able to cope socially at work, volunteering (I actually took on a new group late last year). But my inner confidence is low, I no longer have the bravery to put myself out there, I’m a coward!

I’m getting stronger and stronger urges to protect myself and withdraw.

Another person i talked to decided they didn’t want to talk to me anymore

Honestly I wouldn’t have anything to do with me either if I had the option

Sometimes OafFish illness such as depression can make us feel that way about ourselves too. I know, I’m feeling down about myself too right now.

I don’t know the line between low self image and honest self assessment

Yes it is tricky and I find when I’m feeling low everything feels strongly like I must be these negative things I believe.

It’s hard when we lack strong social connections because we’re not getting feedback, just the loops in our brain.

It’s been a while since I posted here. I feel like my flaky friend has let me down at a time when I needed support.

This year has had a lot of challenges in my family, I’ve struggled with so much happening. I decided to apply for therapy and that’s started now, although I do feel in a better place I have felt irritated that this friend has not asked after me, or shown concern apart from initially (when they did appear supportive) and I’ve stopped making the first move. I feel like I need to take note and not be available if they do re-emerge.

I know the world does not revolve around me and my needs but I feel like a true friend would care.

I could’ve written this post myself except for the part about trying hard to not say the wrong thing at times.

I sometimes overshare with people when they talk wbout their problems too. I feel like we’re trauma bonding at times. I don’t do that as often as before though.

Anyways, why do you think that you struggle with friendships? I’m not sure why most people don’t want to be my friend.

Maybe it’s because I’m to shy, anxious & introverted. Maybe they can sense my depression & anxiety even though zi did tell them about my issues.

Maybe you haven’t met the right people yet. Have you tried joining meetup.com? It’s l free to join.

Finding good friends is hard too. It seems like a lot of people just want to socialize with other people on social mecia & thats good enough for them.

I am a good friend, so it kind of baffles me to why I don’t have more friends too. And eith the ones I do have, they rarely intiate plans with me.

Also, very few of them have introduced me to their other friends which hurts my feelings. My bff hsd lots of friends & I only met two of her friends. One of them being anpther anxious depressed lady who lives nearby.

She said that lady was contacting her to often do ehe tried to introduce her to me to get rid of her. She turned out to be a selfish user.l

I wonder if it’s possible that people can sense our loneliness or not?

Also, it’s better to have few to no friends then friends who try to control, use, manipulation & gossip about you.

Get a cat or a dog if you don’t have one maybe. Cats are better than most people, lol 😆

Why is it hard to relate to another INTJ? I’m one.

Thanks @jesyka I appreciate your reply.

I think I’m in a place where I no longer have the energy or motivation to reach out for new friendships. It’s complicated, but I do feel like the few good friends I have are gold standard, if that makes sense and I want to treasure those true connections. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to find myself ghosted or an option in someone’s life as I have been.

My inconsistent friend emailed, it was long, all about them as it almost always is. I do like them but I don’t have the energy for this. I don’t want to be an after thought in someone’s life.

PS I do think cats are awesome - we can’t have pets unfortunately but I make friends with random cats in the street.

I strongly agree. We make time for people that matter, maybe not immediately but you remember them and let them know you think of them.

Maybe people don't know to communicate anymore, especially young people. They prefer to text or use Facebook or whatnot, not actually talking to someone. And it's easy to ghost people with technology. Yet, because of it, it's easier to track down or find someone, much so than it was before all this technology. I remember printed phone directories. If someone was unlisted, you couldn't just look them up online and find a number.

I've stopped making the initial contact or doing the follow up now. I'm fed up and wish somebody would think of me for a change, and be the one to send ME a message or call ME instead of me having to do it first. All I get is political scam texts so I've turned off notifications on that. It's disheartening to just get those.

Thanks Owl

Yeah I get that, it sucks to be always the one to reach out. I’ve decided I won’t do this anymore too. It’s emotionally draining.

My inconsistent friend stepped up contact again after I went quiet. It seems like a pattern. But I’ve decided if I lower my expectations of them it doesn’t bother me nearly as much.

Sometimes people do step up if I go quiet, but if that's what it takes I don't want to be bothered. That's not a real friendship.

Many years ago I thought I was keeping in touch with former co-workers, BUT unless I called them, I never talked to them. They never called ME. After awhile I stopped calling, and I never heard from them. Good riddance. In hindsight, it was the right call.