Coping with stresses at work

I used to really like my job in retail, I think essentially I still do but recently it’s got more stressful because of inadequate staffing.

I feel like I struggle to get done what I have to, even though I’m a good paced worker, but I can’t perform miracles. My husband tells me to work my shift and leave what is left and I guess that’s sensible advice but my brain just won’t shut off from it - I am a conscientious person and like to do jobs to the best of my ability.

I know he’s right, it’s not worth my mental
health but I have this predisposition towards anxiety and when everything is going okay I’m okay but when I’m under stress I struggle with anxiety.

I had bad dreams last night about work and worrying about what will happen when I’m next in. I have an issue with not dealing with unexpected problems well, I have this (unrealistic I know) need to know what is going to happen. I’ve been like that all my life.

Unpredictability is part of life I know. Do others struggle with this? How do you cope with it?

I am so very sorry you are burdened with this. Sadly I think I understand most of what you wrote of from unhappy personal experience even though I am not in your shoes and wouldn't want to trespass on the uniqueness of your experience.

Do you happen to know what your core worry is?

Worry is sometimes like a plant with a stem and leaves but always with a root. Sometimes if one can find the root worry and address that, it can prove helpful. At least this proved helpful in my own case at work.

Sometimes the core worry is based on a belief or expectation that is not realistic.

For example, in my case, my core worry was based on my belief in perfectionism. I was raised to believe that only the perfect is good and anything less than ideal is somehow not good.

So I spent a good deal of my working life worrying about best outcomes and fearing possible mistakes.

This insight was pretty far down in my worry dimension but wasn't actually the very root.

For me, the very root of it all was the belief that if I wasn't perfect or nearly so at work that I was somehow a bad person.

In my case, NOT BEING PERFECT=BEING A DEFECTIVE OR BAD PERSON AT MY VERY CORE. That was my root worry!

Perfectionism has a lot of uses and benefits but it has some pretty heavy downsides.

Not only can it lead to joyless striving. It is also somewhat unrealistic.

An all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect Infinite Being is capable of being perfect at everything. None of us are such a Being. So tying our self-esteem to perfectionism is an unrealistic expectation. It can tend to make us stress out all the time and feel bad about ourselves. At least this was the case with me.

Another problem with perfectionism is that it reduces the vast spectrum of human behavior to two positions: good or bad.

In fact, I think, goodness and badness form a range of values. I mean there is bad in bad manners. But then there is bad as in what Adolf Hitler did when he ordered the execution of tens of millions of men, women and children. The are degrees of goodness and badness.

For perfectionists there is really no "better" or "worse", "more bad" or "less bad", "more good" or "less good." It is as if all good things are equal and all bad things are equal.

That does a huge injustice to the complexity, range and depth of reality.

A friend of mine had severe work stress, but in his case the root cause was not perfectionism but his fear of losing his job and ending up impoverished and being unable to care for his family.

Sometimes it can help to try to dig down and find the root cause of one's anxiety. Cognitive Behavior Therapists can often help with this. Medication can also help.

Stress in excess is not good for the brain and can sometimes lead to depression so I hope you will be able to find the cause of your worry.

There are good self-help books by cognitive therapists that can help one "unlearn" an unhelpful belief or expectation. If you are interested I can share some titles of books that helped me personally.

On re-reading what I have written I fear that my words will prove to be worse than useless to you. So sorry! I hope others here will see your post and respond with words that are truly helpful to you.

I certainly empathize with you and your situation. I was once hospitalized after work stress led me into a nervous breakdown.

People who do bear the crushingly heavy burden of work stress cannot really understand how disabling it can be and how it can totally rob a person of joy of living and peace of mind. My heart goes out to you!!! Sincerely Yao Wen

No not all, I appreciate your reply!

I’m not 100% certain what my core fear is, or even if there are several.

Perfectionism might play into it, because although I know I’m not perfect I always aim to do my best at everything. My school reports always said conscientious and often that I set the standard for the class - yet I was most certainly not top of the class.

I think my main fear is that I won’t cope, that I will become overwhelmed and the thought of leaving stock piling up makes me feel worried.

The other thing is that I’m aware I compartmentalise as I work, I focus quite intently on what I’m doing and when I get overwhelmed because I have an entire delivery to get out and no help, I feel my focus go - if that makes sense.

Here, another perfectionist. It cost my job.
I have been said too much times, the same your husband told you. But, it never helped. It’s logical but not for a person who needs to have control on what’s going on or are gonna happen.

It’s kind of a nightmare. It doesn’t let you relax.

I think what @Yaowen says is full of sense. Knowing the core maybe helpful. At least it gives you the chance to work on this aspect.

Normally, when you need to control an aspect or some aspects of your life is because you lack of control over other important ones.

In my case, it was the feeling of useless and lack of confident. I always saw myself inadequate, especially in social interactions so I had to compensate it somehow and in this trying to compensate it, I ended up exhausted, beaten by anxiety and finally depressed.
It was a loop I never got to break while being in active.

I can’t be an example for you or giving any helpful insight because it’s now that I’m accepting myself and daring to go out of my comfort zone but as I’m retired, I feel less pressure and it makes things easier for me.
I sometimes wonder myself how I would be doing under the pressure of work.
Somehow I may consider myself a failure in what dealing with a job concerns.
I could tell you. Ok, Mindfulness has helped me, social exposure therapy also, support from people, too, but in the end, I didn’t get the improvement when I was in active. So, the pressure of my fears day after day, ended up.

I only can tell you that I do understand you.

Oh boy this last week has had its moments, and I’ve felt really stressed at times, next week the staffing is likely to be even worse too. I spoke with my manager about it, and he listened and reacted positively, and we’re going to get new staff, but the recruitment process takes time.

I’ve been thinking about perfectionism, I have this abiding memory of walking to infants school (so I was maybe 6) and my mum saying “You can only do your best” a lot to me, so maybe it’s always been a trait of mine. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Why I am this way I’m not sure, it doesn’t help for sure.

That said, every other member of staff (who isn’t off sick or on holiday) is feeling the stress too. I notice people are more snappy than usual.

Wow! This comment your mum repeated is so hard to understand but it happens, more than we want to believe.
In my case, it was more a stress on my mistakes and a lack of a positive feedback on my achievements.
I barely felt love or affection. However I was punished when I made a mistake, sometimes even when I made a mistake with any bad intention but they were considered as bad intention on my part.
I was only coping as best as I could.

Work tends to be one of my biggest stressors and causes of my anxiety, so I completely empathize. Working with the public right now must be particularly hard.


I haven't found any clear solution. At my last job I ended up taking psych leave for a while but I went back and it was no better. The department manager was simply a toxic person and there was a lot of turnover as a result. I was laid off with severance pay and it was a relief.

I am very fortunate that I currently have a freelance situation where I get paid in US$ and live in a country where the exchange rate favors me. That allows me to work somewhat less and I like being in a situation where I am in charge of my assignments. My client has asked me various times if I want more work but I have declined.

I also suffer from perfectionism. When my client sends something back for revisions or wants me to look at some changes they made for my work. I always stress out.

I get stressed from change generally, and I hate unpredictability, I like routine and order. The last 3 weeks have been extremely unpredictable and disorderly so my equilibrium has been upset.

Azul, I wonder if what I wrote about my mum got lost in translation? She said “You can only do your best” as reassurance, not to shame me. She also has anxiety though and I wonder if I simply learned it from her.

Yesterday we were talking about when I was little and how much anxiety I had around bedtime and the dark, I had the same routine every night, needed the same things said to me etc. Thinking about it as an adult I realise I was anxious even then.

Anyhow I’m proud I discussed the work situation with my manager, we are getting a new starter this week- it’ll be good to have someone but I’m going to have to train them (not my pay grade but no one else there to do it) and that will take my time so won’t be much better in terms of my workload. I’m glad however that I’ve been told beforehand as I prefer to be mentally prepared to train someone, in the past it’s just been landed on me.

Week after this I’m on holiday, thank goodness, just 4 more shifts to go.

I like that you found a solution with freelance, that you can manage your own workload. Toxic management is such a common problem it seems and high turnover is a sign of it in my experience, we’ve had a lot of people leaving this year too.

Working with the public definitely has its challenges and right now we have high inflation so many people are angry at price increases, they often complain to us but it’s not in our control. My main duty is stock though and the same size delivery will arrive regardless of how many colleagues are there to work it, that’s my main stress. I’d still rather deal with stock than customers though.

On top of this we’re having issues generally recruiting and I’m wondering if food retail has become a less attractive job because of the pandemic.

A little update. Well, I made it through, there were some stressful moments, but it wasn’t as bad as last week.

The new starter has been a pleasure to train, she’s shown a good attitude and seems a hard worker - she only worked two shifts with me and I am getting good vibes already.

I have a short holiday period now and I need to try to take work out of my mind, something I struggle with, and embrace my free time.