Social phobia: Engaging with people

I find difficult to articulate what I want to explain.
In spite of my lately progress in self-esteem and in social interactions, there’s something I seem not to overcome. It’s a feeling I had ingrain since a kid. The fear to bother people when interacting. To take time from them. This is one of the reason, besides being embarrassed, that made me avoid socialisation.
So I rarely take to far the time I spend with others.

When a kid, my parents, especially my father stressed a lot the fact that we (my siblings and me) had to behave as perfect and exemplary kids and avoid bothering others with you know…normal things of kids. Nothing further. We were good kids.

However, I have contradictory thoughts. My psych told me once that it could be due to a converse (can’t find the word now)…a converse mechanism. That maybe, it was me who didn’t want to be bothered and I make a projection onto others.
I’m confuse. And I’m stuck as to where to start to overcome this fear.

I have thoughts such as: “It was enough time. I don’t want to distract this person any further”, “I think that I can’t invite this person to that or such activity, it would be a big compromise for her/his”.
When there’s a group, I find extremely difficult to join. “They are talking about their things, I don’t want to bother or interrupt them”.
Many times I didn’t engage in a conversation beyond a little of chit chat, again, because I don’t want to bother.

When a friend and I want to take a meeting, I think twice, three, four and even five times whether the date and the time is appropriate for that person. Again, because I don’t want he/she to feel forced and I often let them the initiative to put the schedule.

If I ever take the initiative, even when the person accept, I always feel bad. What if (s)he feel forced or isn’t convenient for them.

This is I problem I always had and even when I suffer it now to a less extent, feel as if it’s one of the main points still left in my progress to overcome social phobia.

Someone can tell me what I’m missing, where I should start or feel identify with my problem?

As a site note I must say that I tend to do most of the time solitary activities, if I rush into someone, the better but most of the times I don’t take the initiative to make an appointment.

I think your t was wrong. They were projecting because they wont admit to themselves that they are bored. By their family or whatever. Its a tough job, the dailiness of it.

But i was also trained not to impose. To get in and out fast with my question. To the point that people found me rude and uninterested in them. I used to tell my t, i figure if somebody wants me to know something, they will tell me. Otherwise i am overstepping bounds by asking. But it was just my mother and brother constantly excluding that led to this false understanding of the real world.

Posting here helps me to learn appropriate interactions.

This is a very subtle problem, i think. People will make up their minds about why you are doing what you are doing, usually with a judgment that is not in your favor! And you are never made aware of it, except that you are once again ostracized.

Eta - i find your posts on this subject intriguing and thoughtful.

Dear AzulOscuro, You sound like me. I don't think I can undo that way of being. Like you, I prefer to do a lot of things by myself. Like going to a place for amusement, if I'm by myself (when that was possible), I get to choose everything the way I like it. When reading a book, it's really nice if there's no one around to say I'm taking too long, etc. And this thing about not wanting to bother people, it definitely goes with low feelings about the self. By the way, did you know we have a social group here at the forums for social anxiety? Lots of us are there. If you're not already a member, maybe you'd like to join?

I understand very well what you felt by being ostracized and much more for two important persons in your life like your mother and brother.

My experience was that I had this upbringing mentioned before and then, as paradoxical as it may sound, I began to excluding myself while at the same time I felt excluded. How not? If I already put the first brick giving a step back, getting myself apart.
I went into such a paranoid spiral. Thanks god, I put a final point to that loop.

You are so right. We can’t control what other people may think about us. They will make us know in some way or another.
I’m convinced that I have to take more risk now that I have more tools.

Definitively, I’m with you. I also need my time alone as I guess everyone need it, but being able to share time with others may be also enrichment.

I’m surprised to know that there’s a group for social anxiety. Thank you. It will be a pleasure to join. 😀

I think I might understand, in my case I think it’s confidence/self esteem related. I do better when I fully trust and know someone well, do you find that too?

Yes, exactly the same. My lack of self-esteem and confidence made me always to hide and going apart from people. So, I was only comfortable with few people I knew weren’t going to judge me.
And now that I’m pretty a new person, I see that I can be myself in many situations and with much more people than before, nonetheless, I still have a long way to run.
I think that I’m gonna get it by giving to myself more chances to experience more social situations.

I’m still a bit confused as to why I can’t engage with others. On one side, I don’t want to force them to be with me (fear of rejection-I guess), on the other side I don’t want to fail them (screw things up if I can’t respond as I guess I should).
As you can see for the ideas I’m now expressing, I’m still confused. But, I’m gonna give myself time to get the answer, if I can someday find it.
The good thing is that meanwhile, I’m having experiences and going out of my shell.
I praise myself for the path walked because just one year ago, I was into my last depression and had lost any hope.

I identify a lot with this. If we think about the possibility of failing others by not responding as perfectly as we think we should have, perhaps it’s helpful to think how would we feel if someone didn’t respond perfectly to us? It’s likely we’d forgive them, that we understand that they are not perfect.

You are wise to look at the progress you have made, and allowing yourself to make mistakes along the way.

I myself find progress often to be forward then a little in reverse. That’s okay - we’re human.

Yes, yes and yes, Discom. This fear of failing comes from lack of self-esteem and we need to break this barrier. You said something that makes a lot of sense to me. We are compassionate with other people. Why not with ourselves.
That is why one of the most effective ways to break these fears is by letting ourselves making errors, daring to do things no matter what unexpected obstacles we may find. We think beforehand that we won’t be able to face to these setbacks but it’s not true. We have more resilience than we think. It’s only our minds who plays bad games with us. And I noticed by doing so, that the more I dare with things, the more my self-esteem gets stronger. And this has become a non stop way.

Are you also experiencing the same? Do you feel your self-esteem stronger now? If so, I celebrate it immensely because I know how important it is.
Truly, I saw myself so tiny, insignificant…I don’t even have words to explain how I felt.

Your psych is trying to be clever and is wrong. I was also raised not to bother people and fear doing so. It can be terribly inhibiting. Social anxiety is a hard cross to carry. That a professional would try to say you don't know what you're talking about makes me mad. Being doubted is not what you need.