Immense fear that I've been heard

So I masturbated some days ago in my bathroom and I was moaning the name of an fictional character ( it was because before that I was scared I might get intrusive thoughts during it so I wanted to focus on something else). All was fine afterwards, though I felt ashamed and guilty, but today I had this thought: what if my neighbour heard me? And now I'm in a complete panick state and I'm also constantly crying. Our walls are thin, I can somehow always hear him having a phonecall with someone. My moaning was like a whisper or in a normal tone and the shower was also on but I'm still terrified that he might have heard me. I know what everyone is thinking: man, masturbating is normal and if he heard it, so what? WRONG. I keep overplaying scenarios in my head where he heard it and it gets around the neighbourhood and my family finds out and they will be disappointed of me and I will also get shamed, spitted on and even killed because that's how my culture it. If you do something REALLY shameful you either get disowned or killed. The fear got to the point where I thought about killing myself and I'm sure I will do it if it gets around. I'm thinking about talking to my mom about it because she knows that I masturbate here and there. But I feel like she will just call me insane and I don't know what to do. I'm just so effing terrified. I can't even do things without having the thought "I will probably get killed either way so why should I do that" and then I cry really hard and beg to god to make sure no one heard it. Should I go to my neighbour and ask just to make sure? Or should I wait and see?

Hi @Whatever234 - welcome to MSF My support Forums. I am sorry you feel you live in a repressive country that does not condone the expression of sexuality by its members.

I would assume the neighbor heard nothing. If it is a situation where you may get punished, I would say you stubbed your toe in the bathroom if anyone calls you out on it. But I doubt anyone will. I would definitely not bring it up if it were me.

Thanks for joining the MSF community. @CANDC

Welcome to MSF, Whatever234, and thanks for posting your concern. I think the advice CANDC offered you is sound. As it happens, I was watching a movie on YouTube yesterday evening and, at one point in the film, one of the characters said there was an old saying: "Don't tickle the porcupine." I think the concept is relevant here. Don't ask for trouble which, I think, is what you might well be doing by asking your neighbor what, if anything they heard.

I'm not a mental health professional. But it seems to me the real concern here may be the fear and anxiety you're living with. If, in your country, you are able to access mental health services of some sort, it might be worth your while to see if you can access those services. You wouldn't need to, nor would you want to, mention the incident you describe in your post. Just talk, in general about the fear and anxiety you are living with. My personal, non-professional thinking would be that if this particular incident has caused you to feel so much fear and anxiety that you are thinking of killing yourself, you must be living with a heavy load of fear and anxiety in general. And that must be a very difficult way to live day-in and day-out. Best wishes...

Hello, thanks for the reply! I do hope the neighbour didn't hear anything. But at the same time I doubt he would do something if he did. My parents moved away from their homeland to Europe, so it's not the country that is the problem but rather the culture my parents dragged with them:/ I do appreciate the help with saying I stubbed my toe but I'm not sure if it would work. Do you think that I should tell my mother to get an easy mind?

Hello, thanks for the reply! Yeah, my main problem is the anxiety, I have a huge issue with that and can't control it at all. I already had that whole chaos in spring where I thought I was being filmed and that made me turn crazy. I hoped that I had this topic already over me but oh well...and yes, I'm currently in therapy. Luckily my parents moved from their toxic homeland to Europe.
I also feel like my mom is the cause for this anxiety because she used to tell me how people she knew got killed for being intimate in order to prevent me from having sex. And thanks for the hug, I really need one

@Skeezyks has given good info.

You asked "Do you think that I should tell my mother to get an easy mind?"

My mom would respond with anger so I would say nothing.