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Member Since: Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 242
1 yr Member
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Old Yesterday at 10:29 AM
Yep, those intrusive thoughts are the worst. They just get stuck.

Tbh with you, the ones that got stuck in my head 14 years ago seemed so awful and debilitating at the time, but now, looking back, they seem almost oddly funny- like why was that what got stuck? One major issue revolved around people parking in front of the house, especially bad if it was a county or other government vehicle. And I have no reason for the fear, but that was what developed and stuck. I could be having a pretty good day, and someone would pull over under our nice shade tree to make a phone call, and the panic would take hold and carry through the rest of the day. (What are they doing here? What do they want? Is something wrong with the house?) At that point, i was so sensitized that I could be anywhere in the house or on the property and be aware of a vehicle pulling up in front of our house or two houses on either side. Ugh. It's exhausting to be that "on" all the time.

Good luck with the CBD, I'd be interested to hear how that goes for you.

That's awesome that you are journaling! Many people are resistant to that. I started journaling about 4 years ago, and like you, started seeing patterns that weren't clear before. For me, a lot of it revolves around DH's mood swings, which through journaling look a lot like a form of bipolar (he also seems to be on the narcissistic/borderline spectrum), but he can't and won't see it- but through journaling, I don't have to justify or deny the pattern to myself any longer. He has his worst episodes this time of year- noteable depression in April, then hypomanic type behaviors in June and July. Like clockwork, he'll have a major emotional meltdown in the summer- wonder why my anxiety is piqued at present...? This year has been okay so far because I can now see it as him and not me- and also make sure I act accordingly and don't engage his disorder when it arises.

Journaling also allows me to just dump feelings out and move forward. There are things in the journal that I would never say in real life. Sometimes you can have such deep frustration and no good way to purge it. A journal can be a good friend indeed.

If much of what I write here resonates with you, I wonder if you might get something from that book I mentioned up above? Hope and Help for Your Nerves. It's a small book and you can probably get a used copy shipped through eBay for less than $6. You can also look at a preview at Amazon to see what you think. It's an older book and they didn't call it CBT then, but that's what it is. What resonated with me the most about the book was that she explains your nervous system and why the anxiety pattern develops - as well as how to settle it down. She also breaks down the common complaints of anxiety (look at the table of contents, they're listed individually). And she explains those symptoms in detail. For me, it took so much of the mystery out of the symptoms, and made them a lot less scary. That book (and her book on agoraphobia) is probably the most life altering book I've ever read- no kidding. It changed my life, taught me how to deactivate the anxiety and not give it so much power when it does come up. I can't recommend it enough on the offchance it might be of some help.

I can completely understand the anxiety that's keeping you from visiting. Don't be too hard on yourself. Wow, I totally get that.... Feeling like you have responsibility to someone or are failing in that. My DH has had a lot of physical and mental issues the last few years (in addition to those already mentioned) and I had become too focused on his problems at the expense of myself. I've quit trying to solve his issues and leave that to him and the professionals, but it's tough at times, especially when he's behaving in very disordered ways that he can't see, and he won't be receptive to my saying anything. Live and let live, support where I can- but it's hard at times. When you live with a partner or family member you love who has problems, without very good boundaries, their illness can eventually take a big toll on you. Don't know if you might be dealing with that sort of thing also. It's very important to be able to step back, take care of yourself, and make sure your own needs are met.

This got very long winded. Hope there's something of value in there!

You're doing great, because each day you're taking a very positive step of trying to be better than you were yesterday.

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Yesterday at 10:54 AM..
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