New here

I'm sorry about your son. That sounds very challenging, and could potentially contribute to anxiety reactions for most anyone.

Do you have a caregiver support group by chance? People who can relate directly to your situation, and offer meaningful support? Even if you aren't the main person who's caring for him day to day, you're potentially the person he sees as closest to him- in that, he'll likely see you as the person he's most comfortable with, and may direct more of his unpleasant behaviors at you. Caregiver burnout is a very real problem for family members, even at a bit of a distance.

It sounds like you have some good boundaries with him already. It's okay to have those, and it's also okay if you look after your own needs first too. His issues may be beyond his control, but you're treating him as well as you can without compromising yourself.

Big ((((hugs)))) for you. I hope you are having a good day.

Thank you so much for your kind post. No I don't have a support group for caregivers. I have a lot of physical issues going on right now as well. I'm trying my.best to be patient with him but when I see that it's him calling my heart starts racing. The weekend visit was very scary. I was afraid bc he kept coming out of his room looking at me weird and he did that over and over. We both decided overnight visits are a no go right now.

He's saying that place is starving him and all kinds of ridiculous things. But he calls over and over. The new place where he's at goes on outings . Like today they went bowling. He didn't go. My family and I think he's on the spectrum and that he functions as a 16 year old. He's very very selfish. He thinks my money is his money. I live on a fixed income. His needs are met there but he wants money for nicotine pouches, energy drinks and food. We can't afford it. We can afford pouches but he uses more than is directed and then he's wanting more. He's just very hard to deal with. I could contact Nami about support groups but I'm too anxious to drive there. This anxiety has ruined my life.

I'm so sorry. My daughter's partner has schizophrenia as well as PTSD. He has an enormous appetite, too, and when they visit, I always need to stock up on food.

I wish you all the best. Anxiety can make life miserable.

There may be online support groups, if it's something you're interested in. Either forums like this one, or organized online meetings, where you log in and talk to others.

Can I ask you a question? And I ask this very gently, as someone who's been down a similar road: Do you feel like you have an independent identity? Or is a great deal of your identity wrapped up in what happens with your son?

In the past, I've gotten too wrapped up in other family members' problems, and lost track of myself. Lost track of my own needs and wants, and gotten immersed in their crisis. It's very easy to do. Don't know if that applies to you though.

The last paragraph you wrote was very focused on how he feels and behaves. He's your son, you clearly want him to be happy, and want what's best for him, but are you sacrificing your own peace and comfort because of his condition? YOUR money IS YOUR money- you don't have to buy him anything. And you don't have to feel bad about that. If you CHOOSE to buy him some things, then that is a choice you should feel good about.

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Breaking the anxiety cycle is tough, especially when you have externals that seem to keep pushing it on.

Yes, I do think my identity is focused on him. I've had a couple of men want to date me and when I was trying to get to know them, my son would get angry and so I just told them that I had too many personal issues going on. My best friend thinks I need to set some firm boundaries at this point. I just feel so bad for him. He doesn't have much of a life and then he has a mom with mental and physical problems. It makes me feel very guilty. But on the other hand since he got out of the hospital he has caused me a lot of anxiety.

Now that it's the 1st, he's going to be calling me asking for money. Last month I gave him probably around $120. Then I had only $40 to my name. This month I have a lot of expenses. I'm only going to be able to up to $60 this month. He is addicted to energy drinks and nicotine pouches. And he's on seroquel which really increases your appetite, so he wants money for food as well. He has gained 30lbs since he's been on seroquel, but he says his increased appetite is bc he's weight lifting again. I told him I was going to pay for a $120 weight lifting belt. But I regret that. He has some money coming his way from when he was in the hospital and the group home took rent. But it has to go through a whole process. Long story. So my sister doesn't think I should buy him it. I bought him a whole bunch of healthy food for him for the visit but a lot of it got spoiled. I only had $50 left on my food stamp card. So I had to pay cash for my groceries. I just can't afford that. It's so stressful

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety and medication issues. It's great that you know some grounding techniques. I'm here to give and receive support too. Hello and welcome!