I can’t cope that someone knows something about me

Hi. For a long time I have suffered from lack of self-esteem and constant worrying. I thought it was all behind me, but then my wife told someone something that I really, really didn’t want them to know and I can’t stop fretting about it.

Please help

Hey Bimmy so sorry to hear that. Without context it's difficult to say. Can you have a conversation with the other person about it?

Hi. Ok, it’s a long story but I’ll try to make it as brief as I can.

When I was at school I was very small, only around 5’4”, and I got mercilessly picked on for years for it, which completely destroyed my self-esteem and made me extremely self-conscious about my size.

When I eventually left school and went to uni in 2001, I was looking forward to putting all that behind me. I moved into a house with a guy (let’s call him bob) and 3 girls. The girls were all pretty tall and Bob was a bit taller than them. They all started making the same remarks from school, about me being shorter then them. I told them I didn’t like it but Bob kept getting angry about me reacting badly to the remarks and telling me I should laugh at it and that no-one thought anything of it, even though he had admitted that he used to be 5’8” and wanted more, and he always retorted that he was the tallest if someone commented on him being the fattest person in the house. I joined several sports clubs but the people there were just the same. Eventually I became so sick of the remarks that I would scream at the top of my lungs at anyone who said anything about my height at all, but Bob still refused to stop and kept getting frustrated that I wouldn’t let them all make fun of me. I came close to moving out of the house several times but ended up staying. Bob was also a social butterfly and very popular with women, while I had no luck at all and was constantly left out. The fact that I was shorter than everyone drove me absolutely mad.

I gradually grew more and by my mid-20’s I had reached around 5’7”, which still
isn’t great but better than I was.

Because Bob and I had shared some fun times as well, I stayed in contact with him after uni, but I was so self-conscious about my height after all of the bad experiences that I had trouble socialising with people for years.

Then, in 2009 I met the love of my life. She is an absolutely stunning Chinese woman. We went to Bob’s wedding together and all of the girls from the uni house were utterly stunned to see me with such a gorgeous female partner. I also got numerous compliments on how gorgeous she was from Bob’s parents. I started to feel that I could finally put all of those feelings of inferiority and self-consciousness behind me and for years I cherished the memories of having my love with me at that event.

My wife and I married in 2013, but we had trouble starting a family and eventually had to go down the IVF route. In 2020 I hadn’t been in contact with Bob for several years and was happy to put him behind me as the resentment about all of the height remarks was still there, but then something happened that made me realise that he had put up with a lot of crap from me as well, so I decided to give him another chance. I contacted him and arranged a zoom call.. When we began the zoom call I asked my wife to join us for it, since she was the only thing that made me feel equal to Bob. Unfortunately, during the call she told Bob that our son was IVF, which I really, really, really didn’t want him to know. I hadn’t told her this beforehand because I thought it went without saying that she wouldn’t tell something so personal and embarrassing to someone she barely knew. I was borderline hysterical after this and cried myself to sleep for 3 nights in a row. By the time I contacted Bob to ask him not to tell anyone, he had already told his wife, who I barely knew.

Bob and his wife have 3 naturally conceived children, so it feels like this has put me right back to the beginning, just when I thought I didn’t have to feel inferior to him anymore. This was the one time I had the comfort of not having to feel different or inferior, because Bob didn’t know the thing he had over me, but my wife wouldn’t even let me have that.

He has told me several times that us needing IVF isn’t in anyway embarrassing or shameful to them, but I don’t believe him after all of the height stuff. It feels like I’m now having to go through all of that again and it drives me absolutely nuts that there’s nothing I can ever do to change the fact that they know. I don’t think I can bare to ever see them again and it feels like all of those feelings of being equal to Bob with my gorgeous wife beside me are now in the toilet because of this.

I love my wife more than anything but I’m still struggling to forgive her for telling him and every time I think about the fact that him and his wife know I start to get worked up again.

What can I do?

I think it’s all within you. It sounds like the people involved, Bob, his wife, your wife, haven’t done anything unkind with the information of the IVF. It sounds like Bob has possibly matured a lot from the young man who teased you over 20 years ago about your height, is that so? As for your wife, she was simply stating the truth, she didn’t perceive any shame in IVF because to most people it’s not shameful in any way.

Do you feel deep down that IVF was shameful?

Yes, I do feel that it is shameful. How can not being able to conceive without help not be shameful? The most common reasons for needing it include the man having a low sperm count or his sperm not being able to swim properly. I don’t want people, especially people I barely know and don’t particularly trust, speculating if those things are true about me. (They’re not, my wife had a low egg reserve, but people don’t know that and if I tell them it may seem like I’m lying to protect my masculinity).

How does it sound like Bob has matured? Yes, he keeps telling me that IVF isn’t in any way embarrassing or shameful and that they don’t think anything of it, but he told me that same thing about my height at uni and then would constantly brag about him being 6 feet and if anyone commented on his weight he would immediately retort that he was the tallest.

And even if he has matured (Bob isn’t his real name, btw), that doesn’t change my self-consciousness about my height that he partly caused and that has caused me severe self-esteem issues over the years.

FYI, I was also diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder 2 years ago.

I see, have you worked with a therapist about these anxious thoughts?

I’m on medication, which greatly helps with my anxieties in general, but not with my fretting about Bob and his wife knowing about our IVF.

Yes, I understand, I’m on a med which deals very well with physical anxiety symptoms. However I can still go into an anxiety loop with worrisome thoughts, that’s like a thought pattern, and I notice it can go into a cycle. Is this how it is for you?

Yes, that’s exactly how it is. Do you have another medication for the cycle of worrisome thoughts?

Hey Bimmy, I'm very sorry you're going through all this inner struggle with Bob and happy for you and new family.

I just think, all the Bob stuff aside, if your conscience is clear regarding the IVF then abide in that knowledge only. If Bob or anyone wants to argue and dismiss your IVF (which they haven't) then just know they'd be in the wrong. That's how I approach ppl knowing things about me. If the shame is hurting you badly then I don't think it has much to do with Bob and his wife at that point.🙏

I don’t know that there is any such medication that can stop worrisome thoughts. I’ve not come across any that is.

Working with a therapist to address thought patterns can help some people. Have you tried this?

There is a saying, "what others think about me is none of my business."

But you are taking it a step further in the opposite direction with "what i think others think of me IS my business."

You are projecting these negative thoughts onto Bob. I cannot really tell whether you blame yourself or your wife for needing IVF. You thought you could keep this secret from your own heart.