[whoswho]

So, it's a bit awkward for me to do this; I feel a bit conceited and arrogant saying that I'm a "success" when I still have so far to go, but I'd like to post this, and for two reasons: 1) to give some people hope, although I also never believed that I would get better, and 2) to make myself admit that I've actually made progress at something.

I was never really anxious or shy as a young child, but by around age 11 I remember having really bad social anxiety. This was completely dismissed by all the adults around me at the time considering my age (a self-conscious teenager? join the club) but my anxiety continued to get worse and worse. By 15 I was started having panic attacks. I had convinced myself that I was "too ugly" to leave the house without inviting open ridicule and humiliation; I couldn't eat at school in front of other kids even though I qualified for the free lunch program; I couldn't make a comment in class even if I was nearly 100% sure of the answer, and if a teacher called on me I'd stutter so badly that I couldn't really be understood anyway. As a junior in high school I got into the habit of skipping or just leaving school because I couldn't stand the crowds of people. My anxiety bordered on paranoia: I was so obsessed and worried that people were laughing at me or judging me or disgusted by me that I honestly couldn't function. In my senior year I basically just had a complete mental breakdown and started crying hysterically in the middle of class. After that I was so embarrassed and I skipped school a lot. I didn't attend enough days to actually graduate but since I did so well with my grades (despite not being there) and since it was OBVIOUSLY a mental health issue that everyone knew about, the school administration allowed me to graduate. I even won some awards for math and history but I didn't attend the graduation ceremony to receive them because I thought I didn't deserve them. My mom arranged for me to visit my aunt who works at Disneyland as a graduation present but I refused to go because I was too afraid and ashamed of myself at the time. I had stopped leaving the house completely; I couldn't even go take the trash cans out to the curb once a week. My family thought I was being lazy and selfish. This went on for about 6 months--for 6 months I didn't leave the house at all--until my family finally got the idea that I wasn't doing it on purpose and took me to the hospital, and since I was only 17 at the time I didn't have much say in the matter.

My diagnosis at the time: panic disorder with agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. Eventually PTSD and OCD were added as well, which basically means that I'm about as anxious as a person gets according to the DSM...

So about 3 and a half years later, I'm doing so many things I believed were completely impossible. I still get very nervous (like about this post!) but I have been able to casually socialize with people, strangers even. I actually live on my own in a foreign country and the fact that I can actually do this, when 3 years ago I couldn't even walk to the mailbox just 5 yards away, and now I'm 5,000 miles away from home, and not just staying at the house all the time, but going out and meeting people, or making trips by myself... Granted, this is what normal 20-somethings do every day, so it does feel kind of silly to be proud of it, even though it's still difficult to do, and I still have to force myself to leave sometimes... Somehow, I got to a point where I could do it most of the time. So I suppose if I could do it, anyone can. And I would have never believed I could get even to this point, probably not even a year ago.

Anyway, I suppose this is long enough as it is, even though it's just part of the story...

[avlady]

i can relate to your story as i was always anxious even as a kid. your high school problems sound alot like what I went through, the self consciousness, i was lonely but had friends, I used to try not to draw attention to myself so I wouldn't have to talk.The strange thing that happened to me was i found a boyfriend , not that it lasted long and for that I m thankful too, but i think he brought me out of my schell. I found out that several other guys were interested in me too which also boosted my self esteem,maybe that isn't such a good thing that guys were intrested in me but it sure felt good.Is that bad? Now I've grown to be 52 and am married to the same man for 17 years, have a 22 year old son, and still can believe in myself, alot of it due to the fact that that I consider myself intereting sometimes because of the other stuff I've been through which are too much to tell here, but i've been through alot and came out for the better.

[Neptune83]

This is an amazing achievement! Don't ever doubt that for a second. Overcoming anxiety and panic on that scale is excruciatingly hard.
I can totally relate, these days if I manage to get to the supermarket and make it out with the weekly shop, that's a major thing for me.
There was also a point in my life where I spent the best part of two years indoors. Wild horses weren't dragging me anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary!
Very much like this now, although with my husbands encouragement, I push myself more than those years ago.
How did you do it? What pushed you? If you don't mind my asking. Very interested to know! You've done incredibly well

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[Little Lulu]

Great story and good on you! I would be interested to hear how you worked through your issues and got better i.e. counseling, meds, support groups, perseverence, etc. Thanks.

[bootsiepries]

Good job. Congratulations! This is encouraging.

[lostsoul2013]

Hi there

It's good to hear how far you have come and well done! It's not conceited or arrogant, it gives hope to others by posting your story.

Can I ask what you feel has helped with your recovery? Have you had therapy or do any self help work?

Take care

[adubya]

Originally Posted by whoswho

So, it's a bit awkward for me to do this; I feel a bit conceited and arrogant saying that I'm a "success" when I still have so far to go, but I'd like to post this, and for two reasons: 1) to give some people hope, although I also never believed that I would get better, and 2) to make myself admit that I've actually made progress at something.

I was never really anxious or shy as a young child, but by around age 11 I remember having really bad social anxiety. This was completely dismissed by all the adults around me at the time considering my age (a self-conscious teenager? join the club) but my anxiety continued to get worse and worse. By 15 I was started having panic attacks. I had convinced myself that I was "too ugly" to leave the house without inviting open ridicule and humiliation; I couldn't eat at school in front of other kids even though I qualified for the free lunch program; I couldn't make a comment in class even if I was nearly 100% sure of the answer, and if a teacher called on me I'd stutter so badly that I couldn't really be understood anyway. As a junior in high school I got into the habit of skipping or just leaving school because I couldn't stand the crowds of people. My anxiety bordered on paranoia: I was so obsessed and worried that people were laughing at me or judging me or disgusted by me that I honestly couldn't function. In my senior year I basically just had a complete mental breakdown and started crying hysterically in the middle of class. After that I was so embarrassed and I skipped school a lot. I didn't attend enough days to actually graduate but since I did so well with my grades (despite not being there) and since it was OBVIOUSLY a mental health issue that everyone knew about, the school administration allowed me to graduate. I even won some awards for math and history but I didn't attend the graduation ceremony to receive them because I thought I didn't deserve them. My mom arranged for me to visit my aunt who works at Disneyland as a graduation present but I refused to go because I was too afraid and ashamed of myself at the time. I had stopped leaving the house completely; I couldn't even go take the trash cans out to the curb once a week. My family thought I was being lazy and selfish. This went on for about 6 months--for 6 months I didn't leave the house at all--until my family finally got the idea that I wasn't doing it on purpose and took me to the hospital, and since I was only 17 at the time I didn't have much say in the matter.

My diagnosis at the time: panic disorder with agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. Eventually PTSD and OCD were added as well, which basically means that I'm about as anxious as a person gets according to the DSM...

So about 3 and a half years later, I'm doing so many things I believed were completely impossible. I still get very nervous (like about this post!) but I have been able to casually socialize with people, strangers even. I actually live on my own in a foreign country and the fact that I can actually do this, when 3 years ago I couldn't even walk to the mailbox just 5 yards away, and now I'm 5,000 miles away from home, and not just staying at the house all the time, but going out and meeting people, or making trips by myself... Granted, this is what normal 20-somethings do every day, so it does feel kind of silly to be proud of it, even though it's still difficult to do, and I still have to force myself to leave sometimes... Somehow, I got to a point where I could do it most of the time. So I suppose if I could do it, anyone can. And I would have never believed I could get even to this point, probably not even a year ago.

Anyway, I suppose this is long enough as it is, even though it's just part of the story...

That's awesome! Very encouraging to hear success stories like yours!

[janealizabeth]

You shouldn't feel shy and please give yourself the credit to feel good about this major accomplishment. I completely understand where you're coming from because I have suffered from severe GAD and depression for the last 15 years of my life. With trial and error of treatments and therapists, I finally reached a tipping point and started showing quite some progress in the last couple of years. I got my masters degree (some of my professors and administrators were wonderfully supportive) and started working regularly for the first time in years. It, of course, takes all I have to manage myself even now but, I'm able to do many things I couldn't do in the last decade.

For all those going through any mental illness, I know how hard it is...keep trying and don't give up...it will get better! Best Wishes!

[whoswho]

Oh wow, thank you everyone for the replies.

As for what I did: I did everything one is "supposed" to do. I was hospitalized a number of times, attended two different intensive outpatient programs, saw several psychiatrists and tried more drugs than I can possibly remember, and attended therapy 1-2 times per week for about 3 years. I did a lot of self-study also.

As for what actually worked, well, that is a completely different story. I personally found CBT to be incredibly harmful and completely worthless. There were a few things I found helpful in DBT and also with the anxiety medication I was given, which I'm glad to say I no longer need to take except for rare emergencies. I liked group therapy/IOP OK because I normally made friends with the other patients (eventually). As for what we were taught in group, and the therapists, I found them mostly to be incredibly incompetent and even at times unprofessional. There were a few exceptions to this, however. I think the professionals I found to be the MOST helpful were psychiatrists trained in psychotherapy. A little unconventional perhaps, and also difficult to find because it's considered "outdated." Anyone who is willing to engage in an actual dialogue with their patient without their nose stuck in some kind of therapy manual is a good bet.

So, I suppose to make this a little clearer, I can make some kind of list.

1. Finding a COMPETENT professional is an absolute must. Unfortunately, 90-95% are completely, utterly, horribly useless, and even harmful. That was my experience, anyway. It's a process of taking the things you like and leaving the rest. I do not subscribe to any one particular type of therapy.

2. Medication can be helpful. I was absolutely terrified of using anti-anxiety medication because of the addiction potential. However, I think using it for short periods of time to break some of the anxiety cycles I had was absolutely necessary. I do think a lot of doctors are far to eager to hand it out at high doses--which just made me more reluctant to use it.

3. I didn't really find a lot of the non-medication methods of anxiety control helpful in the short term. I had moderate success with deep breathing exercises but meditation and imagery totally freaked me out. And that's OK. It works for some people and not for others. Some therapists are really pushy about it and insist on using these methods. They are, however, absolutely worthwhile to try. I've also had a lot of success with exercise as a long-term anxiety management technique.

4. Most of my healing came from outside sources, i.e., friends. I realized that a lot of my problems were a logical result of my life circumstances: I was anxious and depressed because my life was unpredictable, unfulfilling, lonely, out of control, etc. Some things I had to come to terms with while others I had to make an effort to change. I think I have become more emotionally stable and less anxious as I've experienced more positive social interaction and less negative social interaction. Things are different now in my 20s than when I was being bullied in middle school, for example. Having repeated, positive social interaction was absolutely critical for helping with my social anxiety. (I'm still working on it though!)

So, those are my thoughts at the moment, hopefully I'm not leaving out anything... Definitely still a work in progress, probably for the rest of my life!

[Obscure-Angel]

I also can relate...kudos to you. It's not arrogant at all...you should be proud.

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[maglee186]

Originally Posted by whoswho

So, it's a bit awkward for me to do this; I feel a bit conceited and arrogant saying that I'm a "success" when I still have so far to go, but I'd like to post this, and for two reasons: 1) to give some people hope, although I also never believed that I would get better, and 2) to make myself admit that I've actually made progress at something.

I was never really anxious or shy as a young child, but by around age 11 I remember having really bad social anxiety. This was completely dismissed by all the adults around me at the time considering my age (a self-conscious teenager? join the club) but my anxiety continued to get worse and worse. By 15 I was started having panic attacks. I had convinced myself that I was "too ugly" to leave the house without inviting open ridicule and humiliation; I couldn't eat at school in front of other kids even though I qualified for the free lunch program; I couldn't make a comment in class even if I was nearly 100% sure of the answer, and if a teacher called on me I'd stutter so badly that I couldn't really be understood anyway. As a junior in high school I got into the habit of skipping or just leaving school because I couldn't stand the crowds of people. My anxiety bordered on paranoia: I was so obsessed and worried that people were laughing at me or judging me or disgusted by me that I honestly couldn't function. In my senior year I basically just had a complete mental breakdown and started crying hysterically in the middle of class. After that I was so embarrassed and I skipped school a lot. I didn't attend enough days to actually graduate but since I did so well with my grades (despite not being there) and since it was OBVIOUSLY a mental health issue that everyone knew about, the school administration allowed me to graduate. I even won some awards for math and history but I didn't attend the graduation ceremony to receive them because I thought I didn't deserve them. My mom arranged for me to visit my aunt who works at Disneyland as a graduation present but I refused to go because I was too afraid and ashamed of myself at the time. I had stopped leaving the house completely; I couldn't even go take the trash cans out to the curb once a week. My family thought I was being lazy and selfish. This went on for about 6 months--for 6 months I didn't leave the house at all--until my family finally got the idea that I wasn't doing it on purpose and took me to the hospital, and since I was only 17 at the time I didn't have much say in the matter.

My diagnosis at the time: panic disorder with agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. Eventually PTSD and OCD were added as well, which basically means that I'm about as anxious as a person gets according to the DSM...

So about 3 and a half years later, I'm doing so many things I believed were completely impossible. I still get very nervous (like about this post!) but I have been able to casually socialize with people, strangers even. I actually live on my own in a foreign country and the fact that I can actually do this, when 3 years ago I couldn't even walk to the mailbox just 5 yards away, and now I'm 5,000 miles away from home, and not just staying at the house all the time, but going out and meeting people, or making trips by myself... Granted, this is what normal 20-somethings do every day, so it does feel kind of silly to be proud of it, even though it's still difficult to do, and I still have to force myself to leave sometimes... Somehow, I got to a point where I could do it most of the time. So I suppose if I could do it, anyone can. And I would have never believed I could get even to this point, probably not even a year ago.

Anyway, I suppose this is long enough as it is, even though it's just part of the story...

Thank for sharing It really does give me hope

[someusername]

Originally Posted by whoswho

I actually live on my own in a foreign country and the fact that I can actually do this, when 3 years ago I couldn't even walk to the mailbox just 5 yards away, and now I'm 5,000 miles away from home, and not just staying at the house all the time, but going out and meeting people, or making trips by myself... Granted, this is what normal 20-somethings do every day, so it does feel kind of silly to be proud of it, even though it's still difficult to do, and I still have to force myself to leave sometimes... Somehow, I got to a point where I could do it most of the time. So I suppose if I could do it, anyone can. And I would have never believed I could get even to this point, probably not even a year ago.

I think you should be very proud of this. I have been "anxiety-free" for 10 years but I still have trouble feeling secure enough to travel, let alone live in a foreign country. It's not something 20-somethings do everyday, it's what confident 20-somethings do every day, despite any lingering fears.

Originally Posted by whoswho

4. Most of my healing came from outside sources, i.e., friends. I realized that a lot of my problems were a logical result of my life circumstances: I was anxious and depressed because my life was unpredictable, unfulfilling, lonely, out of control, etc. Some things I had to come to terms with while others I had to make an effort to change. I think I have become more emotionally stable and less anxious as I've experienced more positive social interaction and less negative social interaction. Things are different now in my 20s than when I was being bullied in middle school, for example. Having repeated, positive social interaction was absolutely critical for helping with my social anxiety. (I'm still working on it though!)

This is my experience as well. The most healing came from seeking positive relationships and my own self-discovery. I spent too long around destructive and harmful people, and lost touch with those that loved me. When I found those people, my family, at a time when I was ready to heal, I healed much faster. I got big hugs every day from one of my cousins, who said how glad he was that I was around and how much he loved me. He saw me when I was at my worst, but still thought so much of me and made me feel important. That did more than any therapist did.

If I were to offer advice or hope to those going through terrible anxiety, depression and hardship, I'd say never shut out those that care about you and want you to be the best you can be, no matter how scared you are. They can be your light.

[StillLearning99]

Thanks for posting. I'm learning a lot by taking a closer look inward at myself and my choices.

[invisible silence]

Your story is so inspiring! Your school experience sounds so much like mine was. I have struggled with really bad anxiety and agoraphobia my whole life and school was the worst. I tried to work on it on my own for a long time. I've had fleeting times in my life when I was able to overcome it for a period, but it always seemed to come back with avengence... It wasn't until almost a year ago that I finally broke down and accepted that I might need some professional help.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week now, but I feel like its not enough. I'm searching for other ways to work on it, most of it still self-help sort of stuff. But it's different now than before because I'm actually doing serious research and letting myself go places internally that I've never been brave enough to go before. My first therapist was awesome, but she had to leave and now I have a new one that I'm not so sure about, especially since I've had her for two months and she's only seen me twice because she took a vacation and cancelled on me twice on top of that since I've had her... I tried two anti-depressants and and anti-anxiety med. The anti-depressants I stopped taking after about a week because the side effects were too unpleasant (the first one, even life threatening) and the anti-anxiety med gives me major headaches and doesn't always work. I have seriously thought about entering into some kind of in-patient program because I get so depressed and hopeless sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get better, but I am skeptical on whether it would actually be good for me or not. I think mainly the reason it appeals to me is just because I really want to get out of my current situation for a while.

But enough about me. I want to give you a BIG BIG BIG congratulations on how far you've come! It's just amazing to me and so exciting to read about! And what I really really hope to be able to accomplish myself! I want so badly to be able to go out and socialize like a regular person and not be so nervous and isolated all the time. Make friends. KEEP friends. :P And travel! Or man, do I want to travel. Your story truly gives me hope! Thank you for this! So much!