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Old 06-08-2020, 12:34 AM   #1
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Default I can't romantically attach to women

Brief background

Born the youngest of 7 children. Never really been fond of my mom. My dad has practically been my role model for most of my life until I realized that I had to be my own person and not him.

My dad always warned me that my mom could be manipulative, even when I was very young. I caught on to her when I was a teenager, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. She would cry, throw a tantrum, or flat out lie to get her way.

She had her favorite sayings like "You only have one mother" or "Look at what I've done for you" to get me and my siblings to comply with what she wants.

This didn't "traumatize" me, I don't think. I take people as a case by case basis.

I do believe that women, yes all women, have a tendency to do certain....things. I don't know how to put it without coming off as a sexist, so I will dispense with sugar-coating.

Manipulation through tears, or emotional manipulation is a big one. I've seen it a lot, everywhere, by most women, and it will happen when you try to date one. I don't judge, I just think that most women have a tendency to go this route to keep the men of their lives in line.

But either way, I've dated women who have been extremely pleasant, it doesn't matter. I cannot attach to them. Period.

And I don't think, "Woe is me I wish I could attach to my partner," I actually wish other people were more like me because it just doesn't make any sense.

I think deep levels of attachment completely ruins a relationship. When things are casual and sexual, I feel like the vibe is a lot better. Once a woman attaches to me, then she wants me all to herself, yet that may be against my wishes.

I like to date around, and to date multiple partners at once, but I've never been with a partner, even ones that expressed how much they loved me, that were willing to "share" me so to speak.

Instead, I have to be the one to get shackled with another. I don't know if this is bitterness or resentment, but I have to make sacrifices (monogamy) for my partners throughout my life but they never have to sacrifice (polygamy) for me. I feel like I'll never be able to have what I truly want.

It's almost as if I'm an alien or something. I can't understand how loving someone so intensely means that you want them all to yourself, but when you don't care for someone that you may be sleeping with, you don't care about what they do or who they sleep with yet they can come and go in your life.

It is almost like I am being punished for being likable or dateable, because it comes with conditions, which doesn't feel like "love", yet casual dating doesn't have any conditions, but that makes more "sense" to me in terms of what "love" is or should be - unconditional.

I don't know if I made any sense or not but that's the gist of what I've been feeling since adolescence.
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Old 06-08-2020, 02:42 PM   #2
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Smile Re: I can't romantically attach to women

Hello DonWon: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

Thanks for sharing your relationship experiences. Here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of attachment disorders:

What's My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter?

What Is Attachment and Why Is It Important?

How to Change Your Attachment Style

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 06-09-2020, 05:56 AM   #3
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Default Re: I can't romantically attach to women

Welcome to pc.
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Old 06-09-2020, 04:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: I can't romantically attach to women

If you want to be in casual relationships or want to be in polyamorous ones with multiple partners, you can certainly do that you with like minded people. Iíd not worry about how other people live their lives or why they arenít like you. You do you. There are ton of opportunities for casual sex (use protection please) and there are polyamorous communities or other life style communities you can find.

If you believe attachments ruin relationships then you donít have to attach. If you believe women are manipulative, you donít have to form relationships with women. If you donít like to attach, then donít attach.

Perhaps I am not grasping what you are trying to say. This is a free world, you donít need to do what you donít want to do
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Old 04-25-2021, 12:22 PM   #5
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Default Re: I can't romantically attach to women

Nearly all relationships have some level of manipulation, though, even a lot of the more casual ones. I wouldnít say women are inherently more manipulative than men, either. The more obvious manipulative behaviour just tends to be different depending on oneís sex. And not everyone is actually always conscious of acting that way.
That said, if you canít/donít want to attach to others in the way other people do, you donít have to make yourself conform to other peopleís expectations.
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