JustExisting

They say that desire is a root of all suffering.

My childhood was marked by emotional neglect and and endless string of traumatic events. I have never ever felt like a member of humanity. have always been hated by people. I have been rejected by my parents. My mom died years ago without giving me any closure.

For the past couple of years I have been in therapy. I somehow convinced myself that if I worked hard on myself I might find a way to become a functional human in this world I find myself in.

Well, I m at a point that I think it is time to face the fact, that I am permanently damaged. There simply is no place for me in the world. No community, no meaningful work, I can't deal with school. I wouldn't even be accepted to a university.


I have tried, believe me. This is not a situation where Im giving up before trying. The world is not conducive for me to ever have a feeling of belonging or purpose.

I am filled with deep sorrow. A feeling of total alienation from the human race. I dont matter to anyone. I have love inside me. SO MUCH that I want to share. No one wants it...

As I live my life day to day.. constantly struck with this deep loneliness... I sometimes think, if only I could stop wanting connection and purpose. If only I could just be content with mere existence...

Like the spiritual teachers say. You are enough. the present moment is perfect. You have everything you need.

I dont believe those things. I wonder if I should train myself to believe them? I do dabble in meditation and can reach states of mind where there is no thought and a feeling of peace.

But then I go back to regular waking consciousness and feel the void. The desire to strive for meaning and connection. Basic human desires. But if they aren't available to me, I wonder if it could be healthy, somehow, to just stop considering those things I should strive for.

IF they aren't options, why desire them?

But I am also concerned that this might just be giving up on life. A way to numb myself from the pain of life.

Can enlightenment be an escape from the pains of life? A lot of people, like Eckhart Tolle got there through suffering. Is he really just numbing himself from basic human desires? is he REALLY at peace?

Im just not sure if im lying to myself if I decide to try to keep my mind in that state permanently... I dont want to waste my life persisting in a lie.

Is the desire to matter to people... and for people to care that I care about them, just egoic desires? Self indulgent? Can life feel full without those things?

Thoughts?

Marie123

There are people who want.....and need that love that you have. People in nursing homes who never have a visitor.......soup kitchens.....big sister organizations I find that when we take ourselves....out of ourselves.....meaning helping others it can fill that lonliness void. I think we are all here for a purpose, and that is to make a difference in other people's lives. As humans, we all want to be validated and heard. I send love and hugs.

JustExisting

Thank you for your reply I have looked into that kind of volunteer work. There is always background check when you want to work with vulnerable people. I have drug arrests in my past. There is no forgiveness.

Restin

I really relate to your feeling that you're not okay and that you're not like you should be. The world seems to have such rigid standards for us to live up to, or we are thought of as un-normal. You are precious even if you don't think or process life just like "average" people. There really isn't such a thing as average. You are unique and it's okay to be unique. I'm sort of different than my friends and kind of a maverick, too. I enjoy talking with my therapist and hope I can learn some ideas to help me deal with life better and still become my own self. I sure don't apologize for going into therapy and staying there as long as I need to, and I hope you can feel the help from a good T also.

Fuzzybear

Good post

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UnpopularTiger

Your history sounds like mine. Treated as an object, if not a slave, by my parents. Rejected by every person I've encountered. My lack of belonging was deliberately popularized; my predators making sure I would stay singled out my entire life.

I gave up wanting things a long time ago, because any time someone found out I wanted something, they sought out to destroy that thing to make sure I couldn't get it. Denying my wants became the most important thing in some people's lives, and was also popularized for people who did not want to think for themselves.

I try to survive on those few things people don't gate-keep away from me.

Marie123

As humans we all want to be heard and loved. Do you have any neighbors who would love a note card or visit...I know with the virus how difficult it is to have human contact....or maybe take a meal to someone?