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Old 07-28-2021, 03:46 AM   #1
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Hi, I'm in my mid 50's and as far back as being 17 I developed a pervasive phobia to where I thought a male would zero in on me mentally judging, me under a microscope. They may have thought I was confident and had my stuff together but I perceived they would zero in. I would have terrible panic attacks. As the decades followed on. I would sub consciously have a male that would have this role. I look ok, nice whatever but they would zero in and see that no I am flawed and inadequate with very poor self esteem and not successful in anything. There is no romance attached, just a longing.
It has been with males in esteemed authoritive position and then some others would be a person in the minority, not mainstream and I had visions where I could help them, and show them I have empathy and compassion and non judgemental, and a good person to know.
I have a constant nagging pervasive craving to belong, be equal, comraderie, community, connection, purpose. It is palpable the grief of feeling no connections or belonging. I am not a part in anything, I have no community.
They say you got to love yourself and be your own best friend, but that doesn't do much for me at all. Its lonely. I have a husband and a daughter, but I am still feeling these feelings, it sits in my throat and makes me cry. I have attached my self to strangers, customer service people and when they leave or stop being in that role. It feels like discard or abandoement, even if there was not much of anything openly there. What is this about, does anyone know? I know my father said I would mount to nothing and no partner in life would want me, I was 12 then. Why can't I get past this. I hate this longing to be part of others in a deep connection. thankyou for your time.
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Old 07-28-2021, 10:21 AM   #2
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Dear Jelzig65,

My heart goes out to you. What you describe feeling is something I also feel. Wish I had an answer for you but I am struggling to find answers too. There are psychological theories out there but it is hard to separate truth from opinion in them. Perhaps we will both find answers some day. So sorry I could not be helpful.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Old 07-30-2021, 06:14 AM   #3
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You both deserve such a place, or relationship. I have no answers either, safe for the one to not give up, to keep searching for that special person, but not to project onto them what you think they ought to/ must/ should/ would/ might think of you.
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Old 01-04-2022, 07:34 AM   #4
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Dear Jelzig65 and Yaowen

I'm so sorry. I hope this holiday period has not triggered even more feelings of loneliness.

I realize I'm coming late to the thread, but wanted to share because what you describe resonates with me.

I can definitely relate to this sense of not belonging anywhere, and the painful craving for connection, and just feeling like no matter how hard I try, I just can't get close to people.

I'm in my early 50's, never been married, no kids, and I feel such a deep sense of loss of what could have been.

Sometimes I feel like the ache is so bad, I can't stand it anymore.

My unhappiness and life struggles finally made me start working on myself, and through that explore my childhood. It's been a long process, and definitely a work in progress. What I came to realize is the myth of my childhood, especially my mother, or rather lack of mothering. Which is peculiar, because the family narrative is that we're a perfectly normal family with a perfect saint of a mother.

I recall my mother saying to me as a child that nobody will like me, and that I'll land up alone. Of course in her mind, she was being a good mother trying to discipline me, to prepare me for life.

I have no doubt now, that we manifest the beliefs that been internalized, even if we may not be consciously aware that we have these beliefs.

My parents also had a very volatile hostile relationship, with constant arguments in the home.

Together with emotional and physical abuse, for me the root of my adult relationship struggles and chronic loneliness, is lack of attachment bonding, how my (emotional) developmental needs were not fulfilled, and how the little me was then forced to develop coping mechanisms, which I now see underlie the struggles I have in life. I am trying to work on these through doing mostly inner child work.

I found the following books helpful:
  • The emotionally absent mother by Jasmin Lee Cori
  • Homecoming by John Bradshaw
I'm wondering whether either of you have been in therapy?
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Old 04-21-2022, 05:04 AM   #5
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Hi Eejya,
I appreciate this post you made some time ago, it is heartfelt and I appreciate it. I hope you are doing ok, I am still feeling all those things in my original post, just plodding through and distracting my feelings. I feel lack of connection even stronger now, because of our ‘times’ there are less people around. I do not like my parents and will never give them saint hood, simply because they have passed, they were really terrible parents. Yes, i have manifested the internal beliefs instilled in my core by those parents. I think they are called schemas, deeply ingrained from as small as a toddler. I still dont know how inner child works, I have tried some on the internet, but I dont understand how it works, loving the child I was, I try to make connections with people, I dont want to make connections with myself. I crave others, its really difficult, you can let me know how you are doing.
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Old 04-28-2022, 03:13 PM   #6
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I am sorry to hear you are still craving so bad. That's awful. I found that there were times in the first few months when I had intense cravings, but they didn't last terribly long and they certainly didn't happen every day. And I think they were triggered by memories of how I used to smoke when I felt a certain way.
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