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Old 07-12-2022, 11:45 PM   #1
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Default I have problems with friendship breakups.

Firstly, I'm new here and I'm not %100 certain if this is the correct forum area for this topic, but I thought I'd try it here... because I think it's about the closest I can find to what I want/need.

I have already known for several years now that I have severe attachment issues, and I believe a huge part of it has to do with some... childhood traumas I'd rather not go into here. For me, attaching to someone else (or even sometimes inanimate objects) was always a survival mechanism when I was very young, and... it probably didn't help matters any that I grew up with a sibling who had a greater mental handicap than I, and sometimes... it seemed like I was in competition with that individual for attention... or sometimes things, particularly with stressed out/sometimes inattentive parents.

To be fair though.... our parents were working their butts off during key points of my growing up years, so you gotta cut them some slack, especially since they, too, were having their own mental and emotional issues... and to make it worse, they basically had zero support.

But anyway, let's get back to what I really want/need here... and the specifics if what I'm REALLY looking for here....

I have sometimes been told by people (rightfully so...) that... I am a toxic person. Or at the very least, I can be unhealthy for some individuals to be around... especially since I have a way of latching tightly onto people who also have their own mental health problems, and... at times, they have felt that the best thing they could do for their own mental health was to cut contact with me.

To some degree... when I'm looking at it completely rationally and pragmatically... I actually can't say that I can blame them. When you get right down to it, I was outright nasty sometimes, and soul-sucking at other times....

And well.... logically--and if I have any sense of human empathy at all--I do have to acknowledge that... if I'm not really gonna give anything in return, and if I'm just expecting other people to be my human teddy bears, feel-good-machines, or just be there at the drop of a hat.... they probably did have every right in the world to cut contact with me, for their own self-preservation... especially when they had their own issues to contend with.

Buuuut.... my problem is....

Maybe part of this goes back to the traumas I suffered as a kid, certain various forums of bullying and/or people who just wouldn't let something drop even if I was personally ready to forget something and try to move on from it, and people who would just pop their corks, claim they wanted nothing to do with you ever again.... and then later be all like "... Wanna share recipes now?" Buuut....

It just seems like.... every single time a friend has either blocked me or told me that we're done, do not contact them again, I... have a very difficult time respecting it, but also.....

I keep feeling mad and disrespected somehow. I genuinely feel like I should have at least a %25 say in whether or not a friendship has truly ended, and that the end of a friendship should be mutually consensual, not simply one person saying "I'm ending this friendship and this is why".

Maybe it could be partly because I grew up with several manipulative peeps who played games with other people's emotions, or tried to "punish" others for not doing what they wanted.... and only returning in the end because they just couldn't bear the thought of giving you up entirely, or they had nothing else, or they thought you'd be more contrite this time when they oh-so-graciously took you back. But....

I have found that, in cases where peeps genuinely wanted something healthier and more level-headed, maybe... it's tougher for me to accept, even to this day, that they mean what they say if they want you to leave them alone and they've decided they're done.

It's just... there is still this strong part of me that really does feel like....

That is NOT the other person's decision to make, at least not entirely. I contributed to the emotional bond and contributed at least something to the interaction, too. I don't know, maybe somehow... I'm struggling a bit with a side of me that wants to yell, scream, and act passive-dominant, because in a way... that's sorta all I've known growing up. But....

I can at least acknowledge aloud that I am being horrendously selfish and one-sided in of myself here, but.... I feel like it's my call to make if I want to cut ties, even just for a while, not the other person's. And I feel like they owe it to me to let them respond to each and every thing they say, how much I disagree with some things about their personality and what I would love for them to change about themselves and their way of life.

And.... after I have shared so much time and personal things with them, (and they with me) well.... they just don't get to cut ties. Or they should have at least asked me if I would be mutually consensual to breaking ties, and been okay with it if I said no.

I don't know if this made sense, and... a lot of it probably does sound pretty terrible and selfish, but.... I am looking for help, suggestions, and advice here. If anyone has anything to say, I'm listening.

Thank you in advance.
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Old 07-16-2022, 01:08 PM   #2
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Smile Re: I have problems with friendship breakups.

Hello Kimmyballoongirl: I'm sorry I don't think there is anything I can offer in response to your post. (Hopefully other members may yet have some thoughts they can share.) But I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. So I thought I would at least welcome you to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Old 08-06-2022, 05:41 AM   #3
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Default Re: I have problems with friendship breakups.

Hi Kimmyballoongirl, I can't offer anything in response to your question either but hopefully some other members will see this and will have some advice, or might relate. I just wondered if you've ever talked to a therapist? That might be helpful. Welcome to msf
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