I've been safe from the pressures of learning for a while now....but I'm 40 and decided to have a go at school again...and it aint easy! I have to write a journal type thing as we go......

Main Focus : Overwhelm

The thing that concerns me right now and here as I write this, the thing I cannot escape from….is involuntary honesty.

I feel so inescapably honest I don’t even know how to lie about it….and what would be the point of that? How would it possibly benefit me to wiggle my way out of perceived danger into some false or fantastic reality?

Now, a false reality must be some kind of oxymoron, surely?....a clash of meanings. Am I that desperate for a pretence? or at least ambiguity with regard to my condition? An alternative reality perhaps, but even that is questionable.

Then….I must be overwhelmed! It is such a comprehensive mental inundation that being misleading about it would certainly betray the genuine enthusiasm I have for the cause of it! The urgency to make a significant change in my life being emphatic in nature!....this may explain, to every degree, how alien my brain feels.

Therefore it has been imperative that I clumsily apply what seems aeons of knowledge acquired from recycled experience, and to then panic immediately and energetically. Subsequently compromised by emotional exhaustion, impending doom settles ungracefully over me.

And yet, tiny almost imperceptible and unaccountable traces of wisdom emerge from somewhere deep in the unexplored parts of my being and encourage me to hope for more of the same and soon!

Sensory overload is an affliction of the hyper-tense and I forget which one arrived first?....(or maybe there is an absurd chaotic harmony?) The senses are locked in the ‘open’ position and the mind fills with unregulated information exponentially and beyond the ability to classify and categorise.

I have been this way for two weeks now. I fear this mental paralysis making my movements aimless despite having momentum. With my physical senses failing me can I trust my common sense to navigate through all the nonsense?

[madisgram]

j. you have a gift for writing. i am already aware of this from previous posts. my suggestion would be write from your heart and bypass those feelings that are obstacles. utilize your enthusiam.
if you feel uncomfortable/vulnerable putting yourelf "out there" why not use the 3rd person rather than "I"? are you allowed to do that or must it be about you? everyone feels overwhelmed-even the norms-so you could add your personal observations too if you wish re yourself.
and it's ok to be cautious re details re yourself if you feel you need it to protect self. sounds like i've talked in a circle! best scenario, write paper. wait a day and re-read. make changes if you feel vulnerable for parts that u wrote. u can edit.
let the enthosiasm shine through tho!

Originally Posted by madisgram

j. you have a gift for writing. i am already aware of this from previous posts. my suggestion would be write from your heart and bypass those feelings that are obstacles. utilize your enthusiam.
if you feel uncomfortable/vulnerable putting yourelf "out there" why not use the 3rd person rather than "I"? are you allowed to do that or must it be about you? everyone feels overwhelmed-even the norms-so you could add your personal observations too if you wish re yourself.
and it's ok to be cautious re details re yourself if you feel you need it to protect self. sounds like i've talked in a circle! best scenario, write paper. wait a day and re-read. make changes if you feel vulnerable for parts that u wrote. u can edit.
let the enthosiasm shine through tho!

thanks j...

talking in circles is ok ...I think in circles....and I wonder that circles don't fit into boxes...?..hehe.
I do enjoy writing and sometimes things get written more or less naturally and the rest of the time it's like mental agony trying to squeeze a thought out of the mountain of jumbled data stored miles high in my head.

....If you replayed footage of a sneeze in slow motion you would see thousands of tiny alphabets coming out of my nose and eyeballs!

writing these essays and journals and many threads and posts I compare it maybe to childbirth and labour pains. I don't know what that feels like allthough I was an active participant at a birth many years ago....the smallest person in the room!....but anyway...

getting words out of my heavily pregnant mind takes so long and even after I am not sure what I've got or if I'm even happy with it?...

...sometimes it's taken me so long to write something on a forum that when I post the damn thing my log-in has lapsed and my post just vanishes and I stare at the screen and just say wow!....check that out!

....unlucky!

I like the idea of looking schoolwork over the next day and see what my subconcious might have dribbled out in the meantime..

j