[BlueInanna]

Maybe more related to my bipolar, idk, but i can't focus worth a darn... ughh!

Took my meds but my mind is still elsewhere, everywhere else other than where it needs to be, which is on work. I have made my lists... and I have so much to do and so many responsibilities. And I sit at my desk like duhhh... how do I get my *** in gear and get this **** done?! End of month is particularly stressful for me, plus some issues going on between my sister and her hubby that I really don't have room in my brain for their problems and they're trying to put me in the middle, so I'm avoiding the phone calls.

So this lack of focus has caused anxiety. I kept thinking about smoking all morning, (it's been almost a year since I quit with a couple small slip ups). But I went to get my mail and there was a coupon for a pack of my old brand of cigs. Just too tempting and ironic... alas I went and got a pack and smoked 2 of em. So lame and weak of me, after making it so long. The only thing I really want to do right now is go sit by a lake and smoke the whole dang pack in peace.

But I can't run away, I've got to pull it together and get my darned work done. Maybe I will try the in-office yoga again... summon the energies to help me make it through.

[Miswimmy1]

Hope the yoga helped... Ya I get u... Ive had a rly unfocused day too. I think it's a combination of unhealthy meals, no exercise, and being rly tierd... Hope tomorrow is better for u!

[BlueInanna]

Thanks So the yoga did wonders, as always. Plus me saying to myself, "Just freakin do it, just DO IT!" I had to be horribly stern with myself. But I got everything done in 2 hours... last minute... all the accounting to close the month. And I cleaned the office bathroom too lol, then practically ran out of the building waved goodbye to my office staff, drove down the street, and smoked my cigs taking the scenic route home. Ha i'm such a silly nut.

...try not to smoke them smokies C...
at least not all of them at once cos then you be back to the regular smokin' maybe?, slip ups are harmless enough yep and just show how overwhelmed we can get sometimes...

I'm crap with advice...but the lake sounds really nice

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...try not to smoke them smokies C...
at least not all of them at once cos then you be back to the regular smokin' maybe?, slip ups are harmless enough yep and just show how overwhelmed we can get sometimes...

I'm crap with advice...but the lake sounds really nice

I know it's so disgusting, gave me a headache and a cough already. I just... this is always happening to me... I make great progress, then whoops I did it again...

Then my son, bless his heart, the 16 year old, found them smokes in my car and had a serious talk with me. He smokes (the naughty lil shitster) but he doesn't want to see me start up again. He said, "you don't need to have a pack, you'll just get used to having a pack, and then you'll need another pack. you shouldn't let anxiety make you go against your ethical beliefs." I made him give me the pack, and he told me he loved me and walked off to town with his backpack guitar.

I am mom and such a child at the same time... I mess up so often, impulsive like a child. But on the bright side, I really do try to learn and improve... day by day... and tomorrow will probably be better. I'm glad it's a weekend.

Hey, i know, can i blame it on the moon?

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I know it's so disgusting, gave me a headache and a cough already. I just... this is always happening to me... I make great progress, then whoops I did it again...

Then my son, bless his heart, the 16 year old, found them smokes in my car and had a serious talk with me. He smokes (the naughty lil shitster) but he doesn't want to see me start up again. He said, "you don't need to have a pack, you'll just get used to having a pack, and then you'll need another pack. you shouldn't let anxiety make you go against your ethical beliefs." I made him give me the pack, and he told me he loved me and walked off to town with his backpack guitar.

I am mom and such a child at the same time... I mess up so often, impulsive like a child. But on the bright side, I really do try to learn and improve... day by day... and tomorrow will probably be better. I'm glad it's a weekend.

Hey, i know, can i blame it on the moon?

yeah why not?...the blue moon's a big ball of cool ...it can handle it

hey I understand that immature feeling....and I'm just a tall baby...just a baby that looks like a boy

and when I make mistakes all the time sometimes. :

like these lyrics....weird but cool....non-sensicool...I feel pointless :

I had a dog he was a mix
He loved me like a God
But I was just a kid
The kind mother likes
Now I'm big like the sky
And I'm down sized inside
I'll put this all to rest
I'm just a baby who looks like a boy
I'm getting all depressed
I'm just a baby who looks like a boy

I got my father's sense
And my big brother's pants
And I look like a man
And I feel like an ant
Just a speck on the ground
Growing like a weed
A fleck of a seed

[kindachaotic]

Blue, I'm sorry you are struggling. You are not alone in the lack of focus or motivation dept... You have alot on your plate, don't be too hard on yourself.
It's touching your son doesn't like to see his mom smoke, but please don't take that as a lecture. You are in my thoughts.
Take care.

... monkey, I don't think you are immature or pointless.
you try really hard & that's all that matters.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you! Yes, I have so much on my plate.. and I am pulling it off (I think) somehow. I am touched as well at my son's sensitivity - after how recently he was hospitalized for an episode where he almost killed himself ... and me... He is profoundly insightful to remind me about my ethical beliefs - it's true, I hate the hold and addiction that cigs can have over me, and I watched my dad die of lung cancer. it's true, it's totally going against my ethical beliefs.

So last night around midnight i went down to town to pick him up. Figured i'd smoke a smoke. Look away from the road for a second to grab the lighter, look up and I almost crashed into a mama dear and her baby! Holy cow, there's a message. So no more smoking for me, will certainly try my best.

I'm sorry you have to fight that Smoking Clown He is one of the worst of all the Scary Clowns
I'm glad you were not hurt.

[BlueInanna]

I'm glad you didn't see me girl screem and run from your evil clown picture

[BlueInanna]

After a pdoc meeting yesterday, the meds havent been working because I havent been sleeping. They won't work if you're tired, sick, or stressed out, they will just make you feel anxious. That's what's been happening to me. So I'm not going to bother taking them on those sort of days because the last thing I need is more anxiety. This is one of those days, lol.

She bounced in her pdoc chair clapping when I told her I'm doing yoga at work for anxiety lol.