[Redsoft]

I recently starting coming to the ADHD board to seek help for communicating/living better with my ADD partner, as we have been together for about four years and really need to stop the petty head-butting. That said, I already know a fair amount about ADD because of living with my partner for many years now, and of course he does too, having been diagnosed in high school. (We are now mid-twenties.) So, those are our "credentials." I mention this just as affirmation that we're aren't just making ignorant conjectures about the following.

I --we-- believe very, very strongly that my older sister has ADHD. If she doesn't, I would truly be floored. She is in her early-thirties, so it's a bit of a tough subject to approach when I am the younger sister (and youngest of siblings). I could list examples of her behavior, but I now know after living with my partner and learning as much as I can that they are really very stereotypical adult ADHD.

It simply never clicked for me before, as I didn't know anyone with ADD well enough before meeting my boyfriend to learn or be introduced to anything about it. The same goes for my family. I do have a not-blood-related relative that has ADHD and it was very obvious when he was younger, I guess, but that was in the '80s, and from what I understand AD/HD diagnoses weren't as helpful at that point...? He also blamed many things on his ADHD, rather than trying to control it and used it as a way to excuse himself from inappropriate behavior, like, "Oh, well, I have ADHD so it's okay!" type thing, so I think my side of the family (including my sister) formed their impressions from that unfortunately. Until I met my boyfriend anyway.

I have spoken to my mother about this, and she had an eye-opening realization too as I explained different symptoms and traits in her personality and behavior and had a mini Q&A with her (my mom). We made sort of an unofficial pact to drop hints to my sister when we could, and I just short of begged my mom to ask my sister straight up and seriously about it (I feel like she is the only one she would really listen to without being completely defensive or getting emotionally distraught/melodramatic). She currently is back living with my parents. But, my mother is virtually the only pacifist in the family and is trying to keep peace between my father and sister a lot of the time (they are tooooo alike some times! haha ) along with other temporary stressors at the moment, so I think she doesn't want to add another log to the fire. I don't blame her, haha.

My sister is struggling with the day to day right now, and this seems to happen cyclically. For a while she will be ship-shape and held together (while being her rambunctious and flamboyant self), and at work she is organized to a "T"....but at home, her house looks like a hoarder's (no hygiene issues luckily). But then, like right now, she spirals some direction from a slight change of circumstance, as if once one tiny thing upsets the balance she's made, everything topples, like a top. If she keeps spinning fast enough, all's well, but if there's a slow down or even a hair out of place - wham.

I have been able to mention briefly to her a couple times that I think she has it, but it has either never been in a serious enough environment for her to take me seriously enough I guess (or focus!), or she is just sluffing those suggestions away automatically. I know she had considered her having ADHD at one point, but after some bad experiences with prescription medication she voiced to me that she just didn't bother going for an eval, because "even if [she does] have it, I'm totally organized now!" ....And I can't begin to describe how not true (and limited in scope of course) that is.

Should my mom and I (at minimum) have an intervention with her...? Do I beg my mom again? I know that sounds silly, but like I mentioned, I know deep in my heart that if she is told that I am not supposed to be the one that does it. I just feel that strongly - and trust me, I am not opposed to confrontation when it's of benefit. Do we keep dropping hints? Ughhh. It's SO frustrating - I want to have a more positive relationship with her, and I want for HER to meet her full potential instead of going round in circles and having fractured relationships with people. She is so beautiful and talented and brilliant - but her focus is, well, all over the place. What do I do..?

[Redsoft]

Just a quick

Even if someone has the slightest bit of advice or even a failed past experience, that could be helpful too.

[venusss]

She is in her 30s. She had tried to get help before... decided she doesn't want. This decision should be respected.

[Redsoft]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

She is in her 30s. She had tried to get help before... decided she doesn't want. This decision should be respected.

If this were the case I would leave her alone. I should've specified - the bad experience she had with prescriptions was for a completely unrelated physical and temporary ailment, and her toying with the idea of her having ADD was as serious as one spontaneously wondering if they were an earthworm in their past life.

At this point, she is becoming destructive to herself and those around her (seriously damaging relationships and unable to support herself), so while I do want to respect her decisions (I've had my own problems with people not respecting mine, especially with mental health), if she were an untreated alcoholic abusing herself and others that decided she wanted to keep drinking profusely every night, I don't feel it would be particularly ethical to "respect" that decision.

Still, this isn't to say I don't appreciate your feedback - if crap is just too complex for me or anyone to ascertain reason on without worse damage, then so be it.