Spouse vs ADHD

Hey, Straw, Grass .......

I wouldn't mind picking your brain, in regards to ADHD vs a spouse in the household. Now, we all know I am here for some guidence, but the thing I have is my wife always pokes or labels me (in a bad) stupid. It's always ADD this, ADD that and it seems that she doesn't get the picture. The worse thing is, I do get mad and spat something foolishly and I'll wind up being told that I am on the couch (in which is a very comfy couch). But, I can not tolerate this banter, it seems I always have constantly remind her that, sometimes I can't help my situation, but it's the same old remark "I can't help that you are stupid". rrrrrrrrrr I just go off into my one little space and crank out some weights or go run.

Sometimes, I just want to leave and escape this torment. But, I'd rather look at the problem and get it resolved. This is a motion in progress and I have a feeling that it will be ficious cycle. I hope things start getting better, because it's a way to live.

Do any of you deal with the same %#@&#! I am? !

I am sorry that you are going through this. I do not deal with the same thing but I do have an ADHD son and in trying to understand and help him in the best way I can, I did a lot of reading and research on ADHD. One of the things I would try and do was place myself in his shoes to try and understand what he is going through.

What a pity your wife cannot do the same for you. You are right - apparantly she doesn't get the picture but even if she did, there is no excuse for poking and labeling in an ugly way. I have no idea what to suggest. Noboby should be treated like that.

I am really sorry you do not have the support and understanding of your wife. It doesn't even sound as though she wants to understand.

I wish I could help.

The only time she gets upset and rants about the ADHD, is when I forget something or correct her kids for doing something out of line. But, for the most part of it, it goes pretty smooth, we have a some what good relationship. Hey, I can see why I was single in my 20's, I had my fun. I married for the better, but everything takes work, it's marriage.

hi logan,
I know what you are talking about. I can't even take my husband kidding about my shortcomings that are attributable to my ADD, anxiety or depression. I had to tell him to play straight with me and my eight year daughter. That it wasn't funny. He has difficulty with expressing anger so he resorts to what he is thinking is humor. He jokes about himself also which I wish he wouldn't do, but that is his choice. I grew up in a home with sarcastic humor and meanness so we need to be kind and gentle in my home. He is finally getting it. Thanks for the opportunity to clarify this for myself. I am off to Phillie for a week.

Meta

This is an ongoing problem for me also.
I guess it's the way my wife "reminds" me about things I constantly forget to do. She knows it's because of ADD yet she takes a reprimanding, nagging attitude rather than a "coaching" attitude.
She acts as if I forget to do things on purpose and never acknowledges the fact she is living with an ADD husband.

Hi gtrplayr,

I just saw this posting from you. I am still having difficulty with the layout of the forum and even finding my previous posts. I really can't take the nagging either. On top of this my husband has some kind of undiagnosed disorder also. He cannot write out a check unless I stand there and tell him line for line what to write. Then I have to do the same for the envelope. I don't nag him so I wish he wouldn't nag me, but it's going to be an unfulfilled wish I believe. He has told me several times that someone said behind every nagging spouse is a spouse who needed to be reminded repeatedly or something like that, lol.

There was an interesting article in Psychology Today about nagging. I'll see if I can find it for you. What I recall is that they did a study and found that person nagging usually feels that they have a lot more on their shoulders, and the person being nagged tended to avoid communication.

I'll see if I can find the article - it was interesting, and reflected a lot of the issues I go through myself.

I will be very interested to read this article. I will watch this space.

This isn't it, but it's interesting nonetheless. As the partner who has been accused of nagging, I found this to be rather eye-opening:
How to stop nagging

Found it!
A New Look at Nagging

Thanks LMo!!

hmmmm.....i read it and i don't get it?
she nags, I try to repsond (as in "I don't know who left that cup on the table"), ....but she nags anyway.
What am I doing wrong?! (ha!)

This is the part of the first article that gives it a different perspective, IMO:

""It goes from a reminder to a nag when the person who is being reminded gets offended," says Weiner-Davis. "How the behavior gets labeled depends on how the person hears it, not on how the person who says it feels.""

Maybe that's not true in your relationship, though. Just something to think about.

Oh my god! I definitely get offended. I guess you have to know the circumstances. When I was working and having a really hard time with my job, which my husband knew, my husband decided it was his job to get me up in the morning so I wouldn't be late for work. I was often late for work. SO WAS HE. But he decided my job was the real job, the important job and he was afraid I would lose it. I was in a professional position and I was in no danger of losing my position for being 10 minutes late every day. On the other hand, he was repeatedly reprimanded at his job, and in danger of losing in due to his repeated tardiness.

Meanwhile, anytime I "reminded" him of anything, he always agreed to do it ASAP and then just did not. I rarely told or tell him anything twice, and many, many things have gone undone so I don't know how we both stay focused on me and what I am supposed to be doing. I have told him many times to "keep your eyes on your own paper" and that he has WET, "wandering eye trouble" which any teacher will under stand I believe. I believe in our case, since both of us are children of alcoholic fathers we are both codependent. The difference is I have been working to change this, and he thinks he is just "loving" me. I know he does love me, but sometimes I cannot breathe. I tell you with all of this that he is a good and wonderful man, who works full time and takes care of our home and our daughter. I do what I can and he does the rest so he has too much responsibility.
I guess I feel penalized in our marriage at times because I have gotten treatment for my anxiety and depression and most recently ADD so I am the designated sick person. But I believe in the theory that most marriage partners are pretty close in emotional adjustment and maturity. So I am resentful when he takes a parental role with me. It doesn't help our relationship.

I will read the article when I finish this post but I appreciate the thoughts because I am always trying to sort this out myself.
Meta

LMO,
This is a very eyeopening article. I can't disagree with anything in it. I don't think either my husband or I understand the power dynamics on a conscious level. I am going to show him the article. He is very intelligent and fair. And he always says I am the fairest person he knows. Thanks for posting it.

Wow, LMo, as you do, I appreciate direct specific answers and I think you gve me one:
"It goes from a reminder to a nag when the person who is being reminded gets offended," says Weiner-Davis. "How the behavior gets labeled depends on how the person hears it, not on how the person who says it feels.""

I definitely do get offended when my wife reminds me of "infractions" I committ because of ADD. Now I've just got to figure out why......
(interesting to note, when I take meds, I don't get offended, just when i'm off them)

My husband pokes fun at me about my ADHD, but so do I. It's not a problem with us at all. He truly does understand (or tries to understand) what I go through. Our relationship has been very close and full of humor. I was diagnosed while I was struggling with nursing school (age 34). I had to repeat a couple semesters, so we joke that I took the scenic route. My suggestion is to talk to your wife during a time when the two of you are not at odds and let her know how you feel and try to explain to her how it bothers you. Also, learn to laugh at yourselves, that is what has helped us get through things. We have a joke in our house that I gave my dog ADHD because she's a little "out there" sometimes. If his teasing bothers me, I just let him know and he stops and will apologize. I hope things improve for you.

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(interesting to note, when I take meds, I don't get offended, just when i'm off them)

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My husband is the same way, about the meds. It's very interesting.

You know, I have been thinking about this topic a lot since yesterday morning. One thing that I think I did when I read the articles yesterday is something that I am always 'preaching' to others NOT to do, and that was that I looked for statements that supported my POV instead of being open to considering those that don't.

Therefore, I'm going to re-read both articles again.

And ironically, I saw a bumper sticker on our way home from breakfast yesterday morning (this is right before I got something caught in my spokes and flew over the top of my handlebars - ouch):

"I'm not a nag; I am verbally repetitive"

Thinking more about the on/off med thing... I think it has to do with the fact that when he's ON the meds, he's more likely to follow through with what he has agreed to do. When he's off them, he says he's going to do something (take out the trash, for example), then the next morning after the garbage guys have come and gone, I see the trash still sitting next to the garage door. I would have rather done it myself than have to wait another week with a full trash can in the middle of summer. I've not attributed it so much to ADD as I have to the apathy that takes over with his chronic depression when he's off his meds. But now that I'm learning more about ADD, I wonder if that plays a part - I was slow in accepting his ADD d(x).

I'd rather have him tell me that he's just not going to do something than to let me rely upon him, only to not have whatever it is get done. When he's on his meds, he is good about saying 'no' when he doesn't want to do something, which I appreciate, so when he says 'yes', I believe that he is truly agreeing to do (whatever it is).

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel that I can rely upon him to follow through, so I end up doing more of the shared responsibilities myself. Which, in turn, results in a degree of resentment, which probably DOES come across as nagging.

Sorry - didn't mean to hijack. Just thinking aloud...

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so we joke that I took the scenic route.

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You sound terrific, Monjul -- I hope you can post more anecdotes like this. You made me smile today