[Claire2015]

My friend who i often mention on here with ADD has a tendency to argue no matter what circumstances. If someone doesn't need to argue she will dismiss that and just continue.

Back in december my mum got diagnosed with cancer (multiple myloma to be exact) and since then she has started pointless arguements and is just causing unnecessary drama when i am trying to help her manage the ADD. I tell her that she is doing this and the other which will have bad consequences and ask her if she is sure she wants to do that. By which time it has ended in her getting so irate and just start hurling insults and harsh comments which to me is over the top.

Not just that but any small thing such as me offering to hang out ended in an argument where she didn't understand why i was offering to hang out "because we are not close" although you don't have to be just to hang out, it's good to keep in touch now and again right?

So when i turn around and say can we not argue i don't need this right now with everything going on with my mum i don't need any drama right now can i do anything to sort this out so that it's resolved here and now. But then she will accuse me of using my mum's cancer as an 'excuse' and that i am "always making her out to be the bad one" which again is a bit out of proportion

Is this an ADD trait could unmedicated ADD explain this? Am i being ridiculous about it? Or is she taking it over the top?

Claire

[echoz]

The tendency to be impulsive, defensive, short-tempered...could easily be ADD symptoms but your friend could also just have those personality traits. It is difficult to say. But you are not ridiculous to notice the pattern or be concerned about what this means for your relationship. I find it particularly disturbing that she makes the comments about you using your Mom's illness as an excuse. I have to wonder if she is projecting her own fears that others may see her using ADD...her own illness as an excuse for something? One way to sort this is to set a boundary in which you simply do not engage her when she behaves in certain ways. For instance if she makes hurtful comments or continues to be argumentative when you have issued a truce or time-out...you disengage. The consistency of behavior modification tactics such as the aforementioned boundary setting may help things to sort themselves out. As in any relationship you have to be clear with yourself what behaviors you are willing to tolerate.

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[lavendersage]

I can't say either way, sorry. But the possibility exists that it's more/other than ADD. Maybe it's a personality disorder? You could read up on them and see if anything resonates.

Truthfully, though, you DO have a lot to deal with in your own life. I can't help but wonder why you continue to engage when you seem to get little positive interaction from this person in return. And why you're so vested in their life. Is it possibly acting as a distraction to not dealing with your own stuff?

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by echoz

The tendency to be impulsive, defensive, short-tempered...could easily be ADD symptoms but your friend could also just have those personality traits. It is difficult to say. But you are not ridiculous to notice the pattern or be concerned about what this means for your relationship. I find it particularly disturbing that she makes the comments about you using your Mom's illness as an excuse. I have to wonder if she is projecting her own fears that others may see her using ADD...her own illness as an excuse for something? One way to sort this is to set a boundary in which you simply do not engage her when she behaves in certain ways. For instance if she makes hurtful comments or continues to be argumentative when you have issued a truce or time-out...you disengage. The consistency of behavior modification tactics such as the aforementioned boundary setting may help things to sort themselves out. As in any relationship you have to be clear with yourself what behaviors you are willing to tolerate.

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Thank you for replying i really appreciate it i agree i think it could be personality traits. She thinks she has grown out of ADD so believes that she hasn't got it anymore and doesn't say "it's my ADD" but i think subconsciously she will blame herself and her traits.

That is really good advice i think ill do that thank you

Claire

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

I can't say either way, sorry. But the possibility exists that it's more/other than ADD. Maybe it's a personality disorder? You could read up on them and see if anything resonates.

Truthfully, though, you DO have a lot to deal with in your own life. I can't help but wonder why you continue to engage when you seem to get little positive interaction from this person in return. And why you're so vested in their life. Is it possibly acting as a distraction to not dealing with your own stuff?

Thank you for responding i agree i think it is more than ADD even though she thinks she has out grown it. I thought so but she makes it sound like i blame her for my mums cancer.... It seems over the top to me.

I do indeed and i get told by A LOT of people to not make so much effort for her but i feel like she's never had someone that has wanted to be friends with her without using her or abandoning her. So i wanted to be different and just try to help her from having this repetitive pattern for the rest of her life. And i definately do it as a distraction from my mum cause it takes my mind off the situation and stops my mind from overthinking it. It is something fairly productive so i want to accomplish helping her manage her symptoms... After that i don't know if i will have the same motivation.

Thank you

Claire