[Claire2015]

I'll try and keep it a short as possible, basically i had/have a friend, we're not on great terms right now but i feel like we could be friends if she is willing to resume it. She has undiagnosed ADD, she believes she has it, i believe it and so does her family but they haven't had an official diagnosis yet.

We fell out last summer when i told her i don't think her boyfriend is good enough for her and people were making fun of her for being with him. My intention was to look out for her and just tell her the truth, when in actual fact she involved her boyfriend, his friends, her cousin etc all messaging me having a go at me for making up lies.

This pushed me to breaking point where i told her boyfriend's friend that her parents don't approve of him. I showed them the proof and i am so ashamed of how i acted but i felt like i had been pushed too far as her boyfriend and I had clashed 8 times before this situation.

Fast forward 5 months and i have been trying so hard to clear the air with her so that it's not lingering on in her mind and we both have closure on the situation. I gave her birthday presents and wished her happy birthday as usual, i paid respect to her Grandad who sadly passed away 2 years ago. It seems like nothing i can do will convince her to at least tell me how she feels and even try to resolve it.

I understand she wants space which i have tried to give her but she's THE best friend i have ever had so i feel even worse than i already do for making the mistake in the first place. I'm not a bad person i just made a bad mistake because it was starting to hinder our friendship as she thought i was making all these accusations up.

Sometimes i get weak and mess up but that's not who i am and i don't wanna be defined by my mistake. However her Mother still likes me and thinks i shouldn't give up with her but just give her space. My friend can be quite hostile especially when she's overwhelmed and her mum tells me that she acts like this with her and that's her own Mother you know? I'm just a friend...

I wanna know if ADD makes it harder or easier for you to get over someone or something regardless of who it is? Do you find it harder to forgive people who have done you wrong or made you feel some type of way you wish to not feel ever again?

Also how do i stop the silent treatment and show her that i genuinely care about her and want to make it right?

Thanks

Claire

[Miswimmy1]

In my personal experience, and also by knowing a lot of people who have ADD/ADHD, I know that I feel things and react to things much more extremely than "necessary". I think that it might be due to my lack of attention. Therefore when something happens, it appears as if it came out of nowhere. And that surprise aspect causes a knee-jerk reaction. The impulsivity may play a part as well. If someone told me that they didn't like my boyfriend, and I really liked him, it would be a very plausible reaction of mine that I would get defensive and not take the time to put two-and-two together: that he might not be the best guy for whatever reason and that is why you are saying what you are saying.

On the flip side, ADD/ADHD makes it easier for me to "get over things" easier. My initial reaction may be an overreaction but I soon find something else to capture my attention. For that reason, I don't really hold grudges. I don't forget but I don't have the patience for the silent treatment or any of those drawn out methods.

Honestly, though, from your post - I don't think her reaction has anything to do with ADD.

[Claire2015]

Thank you so much for the advice i really appreciate it i have noticed that tendency in my friend where the reaction seems out of proportion and no matter how much i try to calm her it doesn't work. I don't blame you for reacting like that if someone gets you off guard i completely understand but it seems a bit much when its someone you love you know?

She told me "i have been more of a friend to her than anyone" but yet if i tell her how it is to look out for her she hates it and it escalates really quickly. That could explain how she doesn't sit and simmer but will just burst into rage. If someone told you they don't approve of your boyfriend what would be the best way to calm you down?

I think you may be right i think she may have possible Borderline Personality Disorder as she has most of the symptoms and her family think it too. I dunno though i don't want to be diagnosing her or finding a reason to pin the blame on her i just want to understand her more so i know how to handle situations before they escalate.

Thank you again

Claire

[Miswimmy1]

It sounds like she is really struggling with some stuff, and from your post, it sounds like you and her family are concerned for her well-being. You all want what's best for her. I don't think this is something though that talking with her about is going to help. If it has been this long, I don't really think that you are going to change her mind by trying to reason with her. If she is dealing with undiagnosed BPD, there is much more going on than you know how to deal with. I would be there as a friend, listen to her if she needs to talk, let her know that you are there for her and are worried about her, but other than that - I think what she is dealing with exceeds what you are capable of handling on your own.

[Claire2015]

Thank you so much for responding i agree but i'm tryna pin point it so i can be of more help to her you know? I hate seeing people suffering when they don't have to be. We are that's the thing i'm trying to get my head around, if her family think the same how come i'm the bad guy? You ever been in that position where you're wrong although you are just as equal as others? It's annoying.

I agree you can't she is so stubborn but i'm the type of person who tries to make everyone happy especially when i mess up you know? It's like i'm the bad guy although i am willing to explain it or get some closure. Sometimes it feels like i'm talking to a brick wall, unless she wants to initiate conversation.

I agree entirely i don't think anyone could understand her unless they have it.

Thank you so much

Claire

[NoId]

What makes this guy so bad? Do you think she is in a phony relationship? What is the deal between you two? If you are confrontational then this is going to fail. What are you trying to do? You can't tell me that there isn't some way you can mend it yourself.

[Claire2015]

Thank you for responding and asking

- He's manipulating her
- He's buying the relationship cause he knows she's never had someone treat her that way
- He argued with her old friends (including me) shouting, swearing (not gentlemen like) and had pushed her friends away
- Her family don't like him they think he is rude, boring, overweight and a trouble maker
- He drops her for his friends when he wants cause he knows she can't do the same
-She is now close again with her mother's friend's daughter but she doesn't trust her the way she did with her own group.

-His best friend doesn't like her
-He asked her out while she was with his best friend
- He isn't polite, he plays victim
- He makes her believe everyone has an issue with them when it's just him we don't like
- He tells her what she wants to hear
-He doesn't make her a better person if anything he is doing the opposite
- He makes excuses anytime i call him out on his mistakes
- He blames EVERYONE but himself for 'their' relationship issues
- He doesn't have basic manners to say please or thank you
- He ignores her when he is annoyed with her instead of trying to work it out
- He calls her a 'psycho' however i don't know if she's told him she has ADD or a short fuse
If he knew her he'd know she isn't a psycho
- His brother didn't like her at first
- Her parents don't like him
- He has argued with ALL 11 of her old friend's (again including me)
- So many people pin him as a bad guy and she knows it but doesn't want to end it cause she thinks he's the best she's ever had

These are a few reasons i could go to town on this subject and i want to fix it but i simply can't cause she won't talk to me let alone listen to me. There is too much drama from everyone round her for me to fix it myself, i wish i could though

Thanks again

Claire

[LacunaCoiler]

I know this is probably something you don't want to hear, but... it's her life and something you can't fix for her because in the end if she doesn't see a problem with it nothing will change. If anything, you'll piss her off and she might pull away. I know if I was your friend and you were all up in my business and trying to "fix" my life I'd be pissed off and pull away from you.

It's her life and her boyfriend so she's the only one that gets to make the decision of if he's good enough for her or not. People don't always get to see the whole picture, maybe he treats her right when they are alone or there's some sort of aspect about him that she likes that you all don't get to see. Whatever the reason, they are her reasons and you can't change or manipulate them from her.

Also, it's her decision, not yours. Put yourself in her shoes, would you like her all up in your business telling you the man you like/love is wrong for you (and be honest)? Speaking from experience, I wouldn't and have pulled away from friends because of them not liking my significant other (may not be the right thing or the wrong thing to do, but it happened nonetheless.).

Just my 2 cents.

[Claire2015]

Thank you for replying i appreciate your 2 cents i understand it's just hard to be a friend to someone who ignores and dismisses criticism. I understand ADHD'ers tend to get more criticism than non-ADHD'ers but she needs to realise i care about her so much.

She never felt any feelings for him even when she was intimate with him before they were a couple so i know that she hasn't got any feelings for him other than he is "the only person who doesn't judge her" and has been "the best boyfriend". However she is in a love bubble whereas we all see the reality of it.

Honestly if i was in her position it would depend how it was executed, if someone called me out on the issues in front of others embarassing me i'd be defensive and angry. However if my friend pulled me aside and told me i'd take it into consideration, try to understand why they see that and if i realised and thought they were right i'd end it.

Thanks again

Claire

[NoId]

You aren't on Effexor, are you?

[Claire2015]

Nope i'm not on effexor

[NoId]

Well let me go over some Demerol do's and Demerol don'ts.

When being assertive the only thing you want to convey is the item of your genius. You don't want to present the problem you which observe to someone. That just leaves them defenseless. People don't need to see the err of their ways all the time. All they need is something which seems more positive in order for you to get them to go your way. You have to refrain from having the ego analyzing the ego. It can't be done. It's just chaos.

[Claire2015]

Thank you so much for sharing that i'm sorry if it came across that way i have good intentions but i dont always execute it right. If i were to suggest alternatives would that work? Cause i can see why shes going wrong it's just a matter of her realising it. So if i was like "maybe if you handle it like this you'll be a lot happier" or " you're doing great but if this were to happen then you'd be even greater"

I'm still learning i hope i haven't offended you or anything, thank you again

Claire