Incessant Talking

Nobody in my family except my youngest son has been diagnosed with ADHD. But I just know my maternal grandfather, mother, aunt, one sister, and I have it.

As we have all gotten older, I can't help but notice that my mother and sister talk incessantly. The phone conversations are frustrating. If I try to get in a word, I have to talk over them. They won't even stop talking while I am talking! They don't talk to me, they talk AT me.

I just politely say 'uh huh' and put down the phone while they rant.

It leaves me feeling so lonely.

I love my sister and get along great with her, never had any friction. My mother is a different story. But now that my mom is so old and sick, I don't argue anymore.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I really do feel for you. I am both the wife of a man with ADD and the daughter of a woman who sounds much like yours. It sounds like you really want to connect on a deeper level with your family and it's not happening for you. I know exactly how lonely that feels.

I can tell you that there's much more to ADD than constant talking. I can also tell you that I chased a relationship with my mom for almost 3 decades until I realized that it just wasn't going to happen. From your brief description it sounds more like your mom is self absorbed and your sister was raised by her so it makes sense that some of those traits would be passed on.

The first thing you need to do is remove all expectation. That sucks. And it's hard. But you have to if you want to save your sanity. There is a very decent chance that neither of them will ever wake up to what is going on. You are only making yourself suffer by chasing a connection that they aren't willing to work on. I had to realize that I do not have an attachment to my mother like most people do and I have to get those connections elsewhere. I can't talk to her about anything. She hears what she wants to hear and misses the point half the time. It's more work to get a point across than it's worth. So I let her go on and on about whatever the dog did that day and I don't try to get deep into what's going on with me - it's pointless. She wasn't excited about my wedding. She still, 22 years later, talks smack about my dad from whom she is divorced. There's just no getting through.

The second thing I want you to do is read The Four Agreements. It's about personalization and realizing that everything other people do is about them. It's really important to realize (maybe you already have) that anything going on with them really is only going on with them. It sounds like you may already know that but it's a good book to read anyway.

You know them better than anyone on here does. You have to decide if your time and energy is worth trying to get through. And if you think they'll respond positively. You could be surprised. Maybe you call your sister up and say "I really just need to talk and have you quietly listen, and REALLY listen, not just waiting for your turn to talk" and she may think "oh my god I can't believe how rude I've been!" Only you can gauge that.

Anyway, I hope you figure something out. I know how lonely it is wanting so badly to connect with a specific person and not being able to. Honestly, when I came to the realization that I would never have that with my mom I spent weeks intermittently crying. I was grieving. I grieved the relationship I never had growing up and the one I tried so hard to have an adult. Good luck and know we're here for you

I'm afraid if I criticize her, she'll turn on me. It's not normal incessant talking. It's manic. That's why i think it's ADHD related. She and my mom are also absolute control freaks. When I'm with my sister, I just follow along and do everything she says and we get along just fine. If I saw her more often, I might take issue with that. But as infrequent as we're together I'm fine with it. Her talking is a telling me what to do kind of rant. Not giving much regard to what I am saying, in fact it's telling me to think her way. I just say, 'well I think what I think' and move on with no fight.

I did read part of The Four Agreements. It was recommended by a psy I saw many years ago. It didn't sink in to me. Maybe I'll give it another try.

Whatever the reason, my advice stays the same. Remove expectations and take care of yourself. If you keep expecting something you will keep getting disappointed. Find someone else who will listen and keep your distance from your mom and sis. You don't have to feel lonely because others are rude and inconsiderate. And I still don't think that sounds like ADHD. Like I said I'm married to an ADHD man and he's not rude like that. Your mom and sis simply sound rude, self-absorbed, and clueless. There's no DSM for that. Save yourself and go find someone who cares to listen to you and, I'll say it again, throw your expectations out the door. They will make you crazy.

Bipolar-
Manic depression, also known as bipolar disorder, is a common condition characterized by alternating bouts of depression and upward mood swings. According to the Davidson College Biology Department, manic episodes include symptoms of inflated self-esteem that can manifest as the need to impart knowledge through incessant talking.

ADHD
According to Dr. Edward M. Hallowell's book "Driven to Distraction", Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects adults as well as children. People who have the condition tend to live their lives in extremes, one of which is incessant talking. Constant interrupting, blurting things out and talking about instead of performing an organized task are also indicators of ADHD.

I researched a little on line and my sister still sounds like ADHD. This talking only developed over the past few years. She doesn't listen to what I say, instead when I start to speak, she runs off on the topic with her own take on it and telling me what to do. I wouldn't say she was ever rude or intentionally trying to be rude. It definitely seems just off.

The case of my mother goes much deeper and more toxic, so IDK.

Anyway, this is a very small annoyance in the grand scheme of my overall issues.

Sounds like a few members of my family. It's impossible to hold a conversation, because there's no dialogue, it's like being held victim in a cage while someone talks incessantly. My relationships with those people in my family who talk without stopping to listen have disintegrated sadly.