[SmilesandTears]

I have been on prescription drugs nearly all my life and I am getting tired of it.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 in 1989 and took Ritalin nearly all my childhood and adolescence. When I was in my mid-twenties in 2005 my extremely rapid and intense moods swings that I experience all my life forced me to take anti-depressant, Celexa, to become functional in society. I had to even keep taking them while I was pregnant in 2007 because I was too dangerous without them. I believe this caused my son to develop Autism in utero. In 2012 I went to see a psychiatrist because I want to know why I am the way I am. Why did I alternate between intense moments of happiness and the next minutes was intensely angry like I was an enraged dog, I’ve been like this ever since I can remember. He told me after talking to me for 20 minutes that I had borderline personality disorder and told me to take Pristiq instead. The transition of medication was extremely difficult. Even if the medication did not work very good, I promised myself I would never change medication again, it was too painful I had never been more violent in my life. I consulted a therapist who specialised in BDP and he told me the Psychiatrist was wrong. Of course, he was wrong how can you diagnosed someone in 20 minutes? Plus, there no I had BDP as a child, right? Regardless I was not going to change meds again even if the Pristiq did not treat my violent mood swings appropriately. Over the next 5 years I gained 60 pounds and spend my time as a useless mother hiding in my bed afraid I would blow up, trying not to traumatise my kids. Both the Celexa and Prstiq made me sleep a lot, I feel like I have not done anything but sleep since 2005. My husband had to do everting. Recently my husband told me he was sick of me not being into sex and told me he wanted to separate. I had no idea why I never liked sex but a friend told me that taking antidepressant had seriously affected her libido. Why did not doctor ever told me this? How could they be so carless? I had taken antidepressant as long as I was sexually active. I was at the same sexual stage as a 12-year-old. At 35 years old, I never had an orgasm thru intercourse, never. Threaten by a separation I was forced again to another tortuous transition of medications. My doctor prescribed Wellbutrin, the only antidepressant that does not have sexual side effect, my last hope. The Wellburtin did the exact opposite of controlling my rage. I alternated between moment of not feeling anything, especially not joy, and moments of intense rage. I told my doctor it was really not working, she lowered the dose and told me I had to keep trying it for another month and if it does not I had to go back to Pristiq.

I don’t want to take the Wellbutrin another day but I am torned because It did help me to start having sexual feeling and helped me to not sleep and eat all the time. It also helped me not to drink so much anymore. But It make my rage so much worst, I am tired of not feeling any joy and of screaming at my kids and traumatizing them. I don’t want to go back to Pristiq. I want to know what its like to like sex, I want to have an orgasm. I miss who I use to be without drugs. Its true I got so angry and violent but at least I had moments of intense joy. Now I have noting but pain. I am sick of medication. I am noting but a string of chemical reactions, I am not a person, I am my drugs.