I always fail at everything because i know i am incompetent

Hey everyone i'm new, woo hoo.

i scored a 99 on the ADD quiz, does this mean i'm special? lol

i'm here for some encouragement and advice on what to do

ok here's my situation,

I am a:
-23 year old female
-Mother of a 2 year old little girl
-College student for Nursing- taking Anatomy 2 classes and pretty much hitting the wall with my ability to study/learn

I've been diagnosed with all of these in the past:
-bulimia (14 years old, got help and stoped same year)
-major depressive disorder
-bi-polar
-anxiety disorder with panic attacks
-drug abuse off and on since 16 years old , which is embarressing and i don't want to tell my new psychiatrist this because affraid of being withheld treatment.

I've taken these medications and hated every single one:
-paxil (made me yawn constantly and feel like a zombie)
-zoloft (zombified me also)
-effexor (zombified me also)
-depakote (took away all emotion, and zombie ish also)
-there may have been others bu i don't remeber them.

The only medication that has helped my major depressive slumps is Wellbutrin- i'm currently taking 300mg/day, and have used this medication off and on for the past 5 years.

sure the wellbutrin has lifted the deep dark depression, but i'm still unable to cope with my responsibilities and school work... i've been this way since i was 14 years old now that i look back on my behavior through the years...

as a child i was always the impulsive loudmouth kid in elementary school and always in trouble, the words that stick out in my memory are, "tara you need to think before you talk because you hurt peoples feelings/ speek when you aren't supposed to!!!" , my mom has reminded me of how all my teachers had talked to her about my impulsive speeking/ probably other behaviors too... i was a happy child from what i can remember, even while getting much more discipline than my sister from both of my parents- grew up to be scared of them in some ways, which has manifested in me not calling my father, ever- rarely return his calls, and when i lived in the same state i never wanted to spend time with him unless my sister or stepmom was there with us, i am just really uneasy with him.
i don't call anyone anymore, i avoid the phone like the plague, and have very few frienships/relationships including family members because i just cannot focus on the relationships- i'm a flake, i have just wanted to live in my own little la la land life day to day with out having to interact with many people- its just too much effort.

sorry about going off there- its a huge issue, but here are my main failures/ dificulties:
-i have almost no energy for my young daughter, and i get impatient often with her, i'm a single mom w/ no help whatsoever from her father so i feel really bogged down...
-i'm trying to get a nursing degree so i can make a life fore my daughter and i, but i've hit a wall- anatomy 2 is way over my head- teacher talks too fast, i can't keep up with notes, i don't even listen to what he says because i'm franticly trying to take notes and often while daydreaming/thinking about non-school stuff.
(for example- the other day this girl next to me sprayed on way too much perfume, it was disgusting, i couldn't just plug my nose and breath through my mouth and go on with paying attention to the 3 huge chapters my teacher belts out in a hour and 15 minutes, i could not think about ANYTHING but this awful perfum and how i was going to confront her about it after class)

i've always been like this with school work- i have just always though i was incompetent, just all together less than my school-mates because they could pay attention, get to school on time, study for tests and follow through with whatever their educational goals were...

i've always hated reading unless its about a particular subject my daydreaming wants to research, and these books don't get read all the way, and its usually only about maybe 2 a year.... well, i do most of my reading about things online, the computer is great for my inattentiveness- skip around like lightning from though to google search then thought to youtube video search ect...

ok, so i withdrew from everything and everyone when i was 14- mom was on something every evening and in my face yelling at me about how selfish i was for not doing chores on schedule or keeping my room clean, or putting a bowl or dish away (shes %#@&#!- i'm a pig everything is a mess, car, room, kitchen, ect... cleaning gets done maybe twice a month)

i ended up moving in with my father due to the war-zone of a home-life my mom created with her loopy outbursts everyday... my dad gave me very few rules and let me do my own thing so long as i pay the consequences for my actions.. so, like being free'd from prison i went wild, made friends that were like me- not doing good in school/or mostly dropouts, started smoking pot- which was aweful it compounded all of my inattentive/procrastination/ditached issues by a thousand... pot ended up being my gateway drug into exstacy and soon thereafter crystal meth, or more like dirty bathtub crank that i smoked and it left tar in the pipe because of how unclean the %#@&#! was...

this is what i am really scared to tell the new psychiatrist (i'm waiting for new insurance to go into affect), my drug use, and ESPECIALLY my meth use- i'm affraid that i may not get the right medication i need- i've don't all the ssri antidepressents, CANNOT take them they make my problems worse, wellbutrin is cool, and from what i've read so far it is also used to treat adhd, but its not doing a thing for my add symptoms????? i think i might really need the stimulant type of medication...

when i did meth for those what, seven months when i was 16/17, i felt like all my issues with spacing out/ being late/ not cleaning ever/ extream lethargy from feeling unable to cope with normal life stuff, they all went away (but of course the more i did , i started to go downhill bigtime- sought psychologicall treatment promptly and have never used meth since then (so its been about 6/7 years). i have gone back to pot since then, well last time was 3 years ago- before i got pregnant with my daughter...

i'm sorry you guys, i'm writing a %#@&#! novel here, i am not really expecting many people to read this far into my post lol...

just this past week it came into my mind to look up ADD, or i came accross something online i don't remember, and i saw a local psychiatrists website where he discusses his specialty in add treatment of adults/ adult women, had a lot of information on add and it was like A %#@&#! EPIPHANY i'm not exagerating, i'm sure many of you feel this way after realizing what the hells been going on w/ u for so many years....

like i said at the begining, i scored a 99 on the god damn psychcentral add test (the 24 question one, what is the highest the score goes on it?) and i didn't exagerate at all, i have ABSOLUTELY NO HYPERACTIVITY issues, so i suppose i am the innatentive type. i am impulstive though, with just about everything.

these are my main problems (every area of my life i now see is impacted by this innatention i have):

-on computer almost all my free time, bouncing around to whatever pops into my mind, this i guess is my escape from the world-
-i procrastinate EVERYTHING and always have, homework/studying, bills, chores, LEAVING ON TIME TO GET TO PLACES, this is a big big problem, i am late everywhere i go- and i've tried to change but i have come to feel incapable of leaving/getting ready on time. i procrastinate going to bed at night (free time away from daughter so i use it up too much)
-i withdrawal socially, i cannot call people back and fear phone conversations. i have ended most of my friendships in the past over problems i would not put up with in another person- i'm impulsive with my anger and impatient. i cant focus on other people, i can once in a while but it is really hard- this is a great source of my self-hate, i know i'm a bad friend/family member/ a flake/ a ***** therefor i guess
-i cannot study at all anymore, i feel hopeless and like i'm %#@&#! up my only goal to make it in life, to become a nurse.. i've gotten decent grades so far, but i always did the bare minimum, and now that i have a rapid-lecturing teacher with no different way of learning other than note taking and memorization then tests, no homework- no quizes.. i'm %#@&#! up big time.
-this reminds me, i droped out of highschool after getting treatment for my meth addiction, could not focus at all - i eventually went back a year later but it took me awhile to get my diploma. i also have a AA degree but it took 4 years to get it, along with withdrawing from several courses and failing several courses

i need to stop writing i'm sorry this is so long

i am seriously counting the minutes until i get the final approval from this new health insurance ....

i'm going downhill...

You sound a lot like me, the jumping from one thing to the next, I cannot even stay in chat for more than 3 minutes, when i go back to the forums and jump from whatever my mind comes to this or that, I've also started nursing school, also procrastinate, also don't so chores (my roomate does 100% of the housework my house is a mess...) Once you're a nurse you're supposed to run around and do a million different things at once, right? You can mention to your doc some drug use, don't have to say exact drugs...they are used to hearing it all anyway...feel free to PM me...I am thinking about you........

It certainly appears as though you have a busy plate with child care, school, and some of your health care concerns. You might try to focus less on everything and instead take a few small steps to improve one area. This might reduce your stress and help gain some confidence? Certainly, anxiety and depression can seriously impair a person’s ability to stay focused on reading anatomy textbooks, listening to speed lectures, and memorizing. Add ADHD to the mix you can quickly become overwhelmed. I have a few suggestions that have help me somewhat deal with school work.

Regarding Passing Anatomy & Physiology courses:
This content is all about lecture and memorization and if you are going into a health care profession….There is no way around it, this is basic information that you need to know and likely need to do well in the course. There are no shortcuts for memorizing content --drill & practice works.

FLASH CARDS! I know THEY SUCK! But they work, especially if you make the cards yourself. For example learning the muscles think about organizing your cards in different ways: by individual muscle (One side of the card has the name the other lists its origin, insertion, innervations, location, actions), by groups, by locations, by innervations. Carry the cards with you everywhere and look at them frequently. Get your daughter involved by having her quiz you. Play anatomy simon says with her.

The Anatomy Coloring Book series- This was my favorite. They have different additions for different structures. You can color code structures based on anything you want location function whatever.

Develop stupid Acronyms and mnemonics to help you remember things: My favorite was “Some, Lovers, Try, Positions, That, They, Can’t, Handle” for remembering the bones of the wrist . The one for cranial nerves…I can’t post that one.

Anatomy Software: Did your textbook come with a CD or online supplement? Some of these are really good. They have quizzes, lots of pictures, etc..

Does your school offer a tutoring center? A &P courses are usually high enrollment courses and your tutoring center likely has tutors and study groups available. Personally, I’d recommend a study group of 3 maybe 4 students max (more than that it becomes more distracting than helpful.)

Scan your classmates. Are there any older returning students in your anatomy class? If so, make it a point to interact with them and see if they are doing well in the course. These students in general are more focused; more organized, and make good reliable study partners.

See if your school has an academic support department that helps students with various disabilities. You may not have to be “identified” with a disability to get some help. They will likely have some really good study tips and ideas.

If you are having trouble focusing and reading the long boring chapters, Many textbooks are available in audio format (.mp3 files). You can go online to the publisher's Website and request an audio copy. This way you could listen to the text in addition to reading it.

I only recently started taking medication for my ADHD, but in college I figured out if I worked out before sitting down to study, I was able to focus a little better. If you don’t like exercise maybe taking a hot bath or doing something relaxing before studying could help you.

Good luck and Welcome to PC

Wow, you sound a lot like me. I have the same struggles with phone conversations, relationships, taking notes, etc. My mother was a lot like your mother, constantly telling me I was worthless, stupid, selfish, etc.

Have you tried bringing a small tape recorder to your anatomy class? You'll at least be able to replay the lecture later. If you replay it over and over something will sink in eventually. I bought a digital sound recorder to record meetings at work. It records lectures and meetings really well. It comes with a USB cable so you can upload your recordings in mp3 format on your computer so you don't have to worry about buying tapes. If you're like me you will probably lose your tapes so I definitely recommend digital.
http://www.walgreens.com/store/produ...id=prod3582808

I've actually thought about nursing school too. I was also toying with the idea of becoming an EMT. Are there any EMTs here?

Good luck and keep us updated.

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Embarrassed said:
worthless, stupid, selfish..

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TARA said:
...loudmouth kid

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I think most of us have a long list of things were were called. My elementary report cards show a plethora of in undesirable double digit teacher codes--you know the ones...

McKell... instigates others, is talkative, is disruptive, inattentive, leave work uncompleted, inability to stay on task.....blah, blah, blah.. Some times I wish I could just go back now and rate them... "Hey b*^ch, if you had stopped cuffing me in the side of the head for daydreaming and actually tried to engage me I might have been a little more receptive to learning those spelling words!" or " "Did you miss the major chunk of in your teacher prep program where they discussed the use of different instructional methods..'cause just talking about %#@&#! doesn't work too well for most kids.'"

From parents and other adults you heard: uncontrollable, my childhood favorite "That feral child!", "she's not the sharpest tool in the shed1", "God bless her poor mother."
From peers you heard: "Hey ..thumper, airhead, energizer bunny, .....

We have heard these comments for many years. Some not meant to be mean; but still hurtful and impacting just the same.

All I can say is... the world needs people like us too. Much work has been accomplished by people with ADHD who have disregarded what their teachers have said about them and learn to channel their energies. Don't let others make you feel like a failure. There are ways to succeed. You just have to find ways to maximize your strengthens and find ways to cope with your weaknesses.

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TARA1111 said:
i scored a 99 on the ADD quiz, does this mean i'm special? lol

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I've got you beat. I scored a 103.

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mckell13 said:
We have heard these comments for many years. Some not meant to be mean; but still hurtful and impacting just the same.

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I'm sorry for what you went through. My aunt told me I should just get married because I wasn't smart enough to have my own career. And she didn't make the comment because of sexism or misogynism. She has a master's degree and earns more than her husband and my female cousins have always been encouraged to go to grad school, med school, or MBA school. It's truly because my family thinks I am dumb.

No wonder so many ADHD people appear to suffer from depression. It's common for ADHD to have a co-morbid diagnosis of depression. I wonder if ADHD itself biologically causes the brain to become depressed more easiliy or if depression in ADHD people has a more social/psychological root. I tend to lean toward the latter theory. We're stressed not only from the ADHD but also from the negative parenting, social ostracism, bullying, and even abuse in some cases (ADHD children are more likely to be abused). We all know that stress can cause changes in the brain so I think the origins of depression in ADHD people is mostly psychological/social.

Wow,
I have recently been diagnosed with adhd by my psych. She wants to send me to a specialist for further testing but there is a huge factor in my procrastination. I smoke weed to cope with the insanity of adhd. As crazy as it sounds, I smoke marijuana for relief from the exhaustive thinking,thinking,thinking. The messed up thing is weed only makes me amotivated.. And lest we forget the forgetfullness associated with smoking pot. Drinking has also been a means of escape. Many times alcohol has seemed to slow down the thinking process enough, that a level of normalcy occurs. A focus of sorts.
Anyway- I relate because I too have experimented with meth, and the effects were immediate. I felt the veil of scattered thoughts fall into order. It was a surreal feeling of confidence and focus.
However brief the experience I knew that a stimulant could help me but I hate the residual effects of meth. and I am not prepared to live that kind of life so I self-medicate with my smoke and the drink.
Damn- gotta go time has slipped right by .
Best of luck

well u certainly are special in many ways evry 1 is and yeah learning is hard no matter what age or comprehending of all the ******** its like sometimes life ketches up way to fast and will bite you in the azz just be careful dont sweat the small S H I T and it is all small S H I T