[Michah]

Yes, uplifting title to this thread, but I cannot word it any other way. It is a pervasive solid state with slight transient intensities to the "feeling". It is how I find myself these days more often than not. A warning: this is shameless and negative ranting. If you are feeling horrible today, do not read it.

I could put my enduring state down to a life lived in frustration, isolation and confusion with little respite. I could put it down to a chronic physical illness. I could put it down to the general misanthropy I feel and have always felt. I could put it down to a lack of faith which then leads to a lack of hope. I could put it down to wanting desperately to be a robot.

It is all of these things. It is ignoring the fact that I have always bordererd on dangerous cynicism but held it at bay with the desire to do better, be better and hold a lifetime subscription to logic and peoples basic 'goodness'. This worked for most of my life until I just can't do it anymore. Cracks started to show in the patina and comfort of black and white thinking. People don't DEBATE anymore, they fight instead. There is a VERY big difference. Everything I experience in others irl smacks of emotion, fear, delusion and anger. Very rarely do I find myself having a honest conversation with anybody without the need to make things look more rosy for them. People do not respond well to the truth......and is not about MY truth (my truth matters very little. My opinion matters very little), it is the mirror I inevitably and without my consent, hold up to the inner truth of others.

I cannot be bothered being a glass half full kind of person if the situation is dire. I cannot dispense false platitudes if the truth is more important. I do not say what I feel if my opinion is not asked for, but if my opinion is sought, I do not have one scrap of energy to make it sound anything other than what it is or how it appears to me. The truth is subjective and always will be. I can only provide a truth that seems logical, not personal, although I do often refer to a lifetime of experiences and consequences when presenting a logical explanation of my opinion. It is also fundamental that I cannot possibly present an argument without 'facts' (sometimes anecdotal, but fairly substantial). This, I have found, does not suit people. People want you to tell them that it will all be alright. That what they are doing is right. That THEY are alright.

For example, I see a growing trend in new mothers absorbing so much available information that they become completely overwhelmed, anxious and fearful. This is evident in the few friends and acquaintances I have that are just starting to have children (my son is 16 now and him as a baby seems a lifetime away). They have books and the internet and baby sleep clinics(which I have heard are excellent in really extreme cases...for mother and baby. Would have liked to have been able to have that 16 years ago when I had the most revolting post natal depression. It was a psych ward for me. How therapeutic) and baby whisperers and mothers groups(which seem incredibly competitive and nasty from what I have witnessed of these women) and more toys than you could possibly want and physiotherapy and baby nurses and the list just goes on and on. So when a hysterical (but healthy) new mother asks me "Why is my 6 month old not sleeping properly?" and I say "Well, what have you tried to help your 6 month old to sleep?" and they say "Well I have read a thousand books, looked up 50 websites, gone to 20 mothers groups, asked hundreds of people their opinion and sought the sdvice of 3 professionals that cost me thousands of bucks" and I say "Okay, did you try using your instincts to resolve the problem? What do YOU like to have to help you sleep? What is your child trying to tell you? FORGET everything else for a moment, and think of what we have done as human beings since the dawn of time to survive. We use our instincts". And I am met with utter confusion as well as a light bulb moment. How the two can happen at the same time is beyond me, but there is definately a sense of deep calm that comes over the person, as well as a "Thats is all very good, but how do I do that?" They instinctively know what I am saying but they have forgotten to listen to what their instincts are telling them in case they make a MISTAKE. It saddens me to see them have such a lack of confidence in their parenting skills, and leaves me with a suspicious feeling of idiocy. I am not criticising them. It is the way of the world is it not? Society dictates that we are not good parents if we don't overdose on 'parenting' and run around like grinning and love-sick Duracell bunnies until the point of utter exhaustion .

This is just one example of enduring frustration that I experience in social interactions. I cannot be bothered injecting intimacy if it is not warranted, but I am more than happy to offer a hug if one is needed. But my inherant, lifetime warmth is cooling. I am going through my own personal version of climate change. I am evolving in to something that I am not sure of as I have never seen it in myself before. I always thought it was rude and 'unsociable' to be contrary, semi-obnoxious and unutterably logical. Well, I can't hide who I am anymore, and the truth of myself, is that I really don't care as much as I thought I did when seeming stupidity reigns. My radical scepticism means that it matters little what I think. My AS psychologist said to me "There is nothing wrong with being a radical sceptic and there is nothing wrong with being a cynic, but being a cynical radical sceptic will make you feel very unhappy at times". He is not criticising me, he is simply pointing out a fact.

And so here I am. At 37 years old I am wising up to the world. I am seeing the cracks and fissures with little hope of being able to wish them away with false niceties. I am sure I had stamina and more faith when I was younger and was able to 'reason' with all the nastiness, insecurities, personal failures and basic skullduggery of humanity. The shame of it is, is that there are some really wonderful people out there, fighting the good fight, but I see less and less of them, and quite frankly, their efforts tire me to the core, despite my admiration. In my darkest moments, I do wonder, what is the point?

Thanks for reading. If you got through the whole thing, you deserve a medal. I deserve a medal for having the energy to write it and in true cynical style, I will probably reflect on this later, and think it a pile of crap. Time to watch some Monty Python.

Michah

[Omers]

So very with you... just not as good with words.

Hello, Michah. Are you positive?

[Michah]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, Michah. Are you positive?

Resilient maybe, courageous sometimes, compassionate always........but tolerant? No. I am turning into an 'elitist' Byz the worst kind. I look at people irl nowadays and think how truly silly they are, how narrow-minded and foolish they are, how damaging they are....to themselves and others.

As much as I have tried to 'bottle' positivity and understand its inner workings (I do understand its potency!), it alludes me. It seems magical and whimsical and beautiful.....but I cannot create it despite my longing for it. I have moments of optimism about my own situation, but little optimism about the species I belong to. That is the danger. I have always been a misanthropist, but it seems to have ramped up in intensity as I get older.

It might be a good thing.....as it seems that I now have no tolerance for the things or people that cause me pain. I do what I want, when I want.....for the first time in my life.

Always good to see you Byz......hugs

Michah

The Secret to Being Authentic You – Authenticity, Part 1
Five Essential Steps to Authenticity – Authentic You, Part 2

The positivity is for you. Being a misanthropist is an impediment to authenticity. Yet, you are doing more for yourself, no matter the perception of others. Perhaps continuing to grow yourself will lead to longer moments of optimism?

[ilovedogs]

Originally Posted by Michah

Resilient maybe, courageous sometimes, compassionate always........but tolerant? No. I am turning into an 'elitist' Byz the worst kind. I look at people irl nowadays and think how truly silly they are, how narrow-minded and foolish they are, how damaging they are....to themselves and others.

As much as I have tried to 'bottle' positivity and understand its inner workings (I do understand its potency!), it alludes me. It seems magical and whimsical and beautiful.....but I cannot create it despite my longing for it. I have moments of optimism about my own situation, but little optimism about the species I belong to. That is the danger. I have always been a misanthropist, but it seems to have ramped up in intensity as I get older.

It might be a good thing.....as it seems that I now have no tolerance for the things or people that cause me pain. I do what I want, when I want.....for the first time in my life.

Always good to see you Byz......hugs

Michah

Wow! I just read your posts and I feel as if my husband could have written them. He has no optimism, is cynical to the core, and gets enraged by seeing other people fritter away their money or their time on things that have no meaning to him. He can't make concessions for others and he definitely does not give out anything emotionally, I have to ask for hugs or support as he is not capable of giving those things most of the time. So, even as a spouse of someone suffering from something yet to be diagnosed, I can totally relate to your post(just from the outside as an observer).