[Gabu]

It's kind of a long story, but I've always been considered different and have stood out based on my differences. I know that my parents became concerned when I was three and would only speak one or two words and be frustrated when I wouldn't be understood and wouldn't get what I want. I was taken to doctors in an attempt to get an explanation, though at the time my parents thought I was intellectually handicapped. Whoever analyzed me back then did think that initially (iirc from papers I've found), but realized that it probably was not the case. Still, I was put into a special half-day afternoon kindergarten on top of regular morning kindergarten and given speech therapy. As it turned out, I could pick up on things very quickly and improved greatly in the three years I had in-school speech therapy that I didn't need it anymore. I still saw a social worker to help improve my social skills as well, though I still would get easily frustrated if things weren't just right in my environment.

I would get more stressed with schoolwork and by high school was depressed, scared about the future, isolated, and generally ignored. It got to where I had to be hospitalized. I remember how in group a lot of people noted that I didn't talk much, and one psychologist mentioned to my family that I should be tested for Asperger's, with my older sister mentioning that she had a hunch. When I got home and got a therapist, she thought the same, and in several weeks was administered a multiple choice test at a neurology center. I'm guessing by the way I answered that I wasn't diagnosed, even though since then I've come across at least five people who, once they got to know me, would think the same.

The question began, and still does, plague me, especially with all the unclear answers and explaining away, that stigma, what would happen if I got an official double check and really do have Asperger's? There's just so much uncertainty, vague or otherwise unexplained answers.

I do think it's possible that I've just always been anxious socially or just simply introverted. It could simply be a coincidence, as I exhibit some usual AS symptoms (sensory overload, clumsiness, little ability to start conversations, anxiety about new things, social awkwardness), but can work out how people are feeling in general, empathy, understand jokes extremely well that could otherwise have ruled me out. I talk in reams on the Internet yet hardly say a peep face-to-face in most circumstances. Though with my current medication and support from my therapist I'm starting to make eye contact with people without feeling anxious or uncomfortable, and can actually have conversations with people granted if it's something that I'm interested in.

I've taken more stock of when and how I get overwhelmed in a variety of situations, and how this tends to cause a lot of stress, sometimes to the point of some sort of panic, even when anticipating being in a future situation where getting overwhelmed (particularly in an unfamiliar environment) is likely.

Noticeably, I'll tend to jump at an unexpected sight, sound, or touch. I've also noticed pretty militant senses of privacy and personal space, as well as having the tendency not to really feel connected or aware of my surroundings, so I tend to bump into things often. My brother-in-law kind of said it best when he asked how I was so oblivious to life. :U

I've managed to find a simple articulation to how certain things get sensed. I've figured out that most of my senses have a tendency to feel "sharp" things to where I get overwhelmed in that particular sense.

With vision, it's usually when I get bombarded with sharp images. Or I guess brightness and color. :P Though both have to be in tandem in order to feel truly overwhelming. Brightness annoys me, but I can deal with it. Color I've grown very attracted to, but put both together and it feels too much for me. This seems to crop up most often in stores or otherwise super vibrant places.

For touch I generally tend to feel things as sharper than they are (including pain). This works both ways. If it's unwanted, unexpected, unpleasant, it gets me nervous. If there's pleasure, want, expectation, I get relaxed. If I feel a need for touch, I have to satiate it. Sometimes as innocuous as rubbing feet together (which is something that is extremely habitual at this point) to weird **** like wrapping my fist onto my big toe, wrapping knuckles on a surface for no reason, etc.

I perceive privacy and personal space as sort of these two things that need to be protected. Essentially gets extremely hyper when it feels violated or predicted to be violated in the future unless I can let someone in and not have it feel at all sharp. Which is when I trust a person enough to not make any startling movements and not flip my world upside down in a space I've designated mentally as my own.

Unsurprisingly is that when I tend to get engrossed in something, I'll just be unable to sense any outside input unless it's sharp enough to break this mental bubble I get into. Likely a strategy when trying to deal with overwhelming senses, though it'll still crop up when I don't really need or want it. Driving, for instance. I'm really trying to break the habit (while I still have a permit) of being intensely focused on steering, brakes, gas, speed that I tend to dull out the road. I really have to put in effort to focus on where I'm going, what's happening in my mirrors, sounds, and so forth. First few times the road was overwhelming, but most recently I began focusing much better and faster.

I am actually the worst at hearing by far though. Physically, I can hear just fine, but I tend to either sense things as too sharp (loud talking), not sharp when it otherwise should be (sirens), garbled (talking on the phone or just suddenly be able to not comprehend speech, or not at all (when I zone out or get into a zone). On occasion I can feel vibrations hit my eardrum and not only does it feel awkward, but also hurts regardless of whether in a quiet or loud zone.

I can notice that it is what I sense that causes the most anxiety for me by far, whether overload or if I feel as though people are upset at me.

Recently, I've been taking the AQ test at random time intervals over several months. After five tests, I've averaged to 29.5, with my latest score 35, which is three over. Lowest was at 25, which, surprise, causes more uncertainty.

I want to know once and for all so I can find the right help for myself, but I'm not sure how to start this conversation and when, especially since how my last therapist handled the question (not the one previously mentioned, but another one).

[gashly]

It sounds like you also have a lot of anxiety, there's a lot of worrying in your post.

Did someone or your therapist get your test results? Because it sounds like you don't know what they are. Find out what they tested you for. You can probably get them to release a report to your therapist.

[CantExplain]

It is normal for Aspergics to want to understand, and to want a clear daignosis. But psychotherapy can help almost anyone, and a diagnosis isn't really necessary.

Speaking as an Aspergic, psychotherapy seems silly and unfocussed. There is nothing an Aspergic would recognise as a plan. It is vague and opportunistic. In spite of all that, I have come to accept that it really does work.

How are you at sharing and taking turns?