[Frito64]

Hi all,

Since learning last year that I have Aspergers has really made me understand so much of my life - the difficulties, the anxieties, the obsessive interests, etc. It was the missing piece of the puzzle, but a frustrating piece.

Here's my dliema. I have a friend at work, casual at best, but we've known each other over 20 years. Two years ago his daughter died in an accident, and, out of caring and concern, I reached out, seeking to be his friend. Our conversations now have nothing to do with his loss (though I am willing to listen if he needs a sympathetic ear).

As I sought to be a supportive friend, I kind of became consumed with it, and it became an obsession. In researching, I have found that becoming obsessed with a person can happen to people with Asperger's. What I would do it pass by his ofice, if his door was open, I'd stop in to chat for a few minutes. Back after his loss, we talked almost every day, now it is once a week, and again, we don't talk about his loss, usually the Yankees, what we're doing over the weekend, etc. His office is right on the way to the bathroom, so i pass it a few times a day.

Also, I have grown fond of him - kind of a brohterly love kind of way, not a gay thing or anything like that (I say that because I know how it may sound to some people).

Every now and then, espeically when he doesn't talk much, I worry that somenow he picked up on my obsession, or my deeper feelings for him. He has never said anything to indicate that, but I worry about it sometimes. I really wish I knew how he really felt about me - if he considers me a friend or an annoyance, but we never really know where we stand with anyone.

Okay here's my question - if it is the worst case scenario - if he felled stalked at all, misunderstood my feelings, etc, how do I fix it?

Its tricky, if he never picked up on any of that, I won't want to apologize for something that never entered into his mind. I honestly have backed off a bit - if I talk to him Monday, for example, I won't even try to talk to him again until Thursday or Friday. And if he considers me a freind and i am just being my paranoid self, I don't want to back off needlessly.

Last month I was out sick for a week and had a couple of days off as well, when I saw him after cmoing back, he said "where have you been?" so I guess if he didn't like me coming by, he wouldn't have asked that.

If I just act normal, not getting too "clingy" (for lack of a better term), is there a chance that he could forgive the obsessive behavior (if he ever thought that at all)?

Thanks in advance

It does not seem like you have violated your coworker's boundaries. You have helped him through a difficult time. He seems to appreciate your support and company.

As a lady with Asperger’s, I am very aware of the challenges you have described. Unfortunately, I cannot give you much advice on how to determine and repair a relationship that involves possible stalking, since all my experiences with people obsessions have involved avoidance as a solution. My suggestions would not be appropriate for the workplace, anyway. Perhaps, you can find a way to ask if you have been intrusive or not.

If you do determine that he does feel crowded by you, I suggest backing off and giving him some space.

Does your coworker ever approach you? If not, he probably does not want a friendship outside of work.

[Frito64]

thanks for the reply. in the past, I had asked him if I was botherig him too much, and he said I wasn't, so he probably didn't pick up on my obsession. He doesn't approach me, so I friendship outside of work doesn't seem possible, at least right now, and that's fine.

It is nice to have people on these forums that do understand, espeically things like our obsessions (with people) that NT's wouldn't understand.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Frito64

Okay here's my question - if it is the worst case scenario - if he felled stalked at all, misunderstood my feelings, etc, how do I fix it?

You don't "fix" it. He is responsible for himself and his own feelings and letting you know if you are too "close" or he does not want you to stop by his office as often, etc. Quit worrying, he'll let you know.

[unaluna]

I had this problem myself and got in trouble for it. Work is not really a place for socializing. I wouldn't worry so much about this person's feelings, but your bosses and coworkers might not like it so much? It is safer to just join in group conversations, like when everyone arrives in the morning and are getting coffee and they are all discussing last night's game, or just before they leave for lunch - I NEVER went with them, but I probably should have, at least once in a while, say once a month to start. My T has shown me that I could have fit in with nt's a lot better than I ever thought.

[Big Mama]

Depending on the closeness of your friendship could you tell him "Hay man I jsut wanted to let you know I have a dispoder, aspurgers and it is often hard for me to tell what my boundries are. If I ever bug you just let me know and I'll back off. I like hangin out an wouldn't want to jeprodize that." My son has aspurgers and an obsession with a person is a very real thing. Do you have another hobbie or like you could get into a little more and maybe that could occupy your time more than this individual.

It doesn't sound to me like an obsession. It sounds like a very normal activity. We all have folks we are drawn to and our insecurities lead us to believe we are bothersome.