[TroubledAngel12]

Hi everyone.

Me and my fiancee are both lesbian and we have been together for a year. She has High Functioning Autism as well as ADHD and often times we have difficulty with our communication. We have quite a few fights that are majorly associated with our communication troubles. I don't mean communication problems as in through phone coversation or text, I mean understanding each other. We are long distance, too. I feel really horrible when I get mad at her and I was wondering, what are some ways that I can communicate better with her without getting angry at her. I love her so much and I truly want our relationship to be strong and healthy. We have been on the verge of breakup a few times and I feel awful about those times because I don't want to leave her. I just need advice on how to communicate with her better. I'm trying to learn more about High Functioning Autism so that I can understand it more.

Thanks in advance.

[-jimi-]

So what makes you angry?

[Callista]

Have you talked explicitly about your communication problems? Essentially, the two of you speak different "languages", so there's a gap in between that causes confusion. It would help to establish some agreements about what you or she will do if you're feeling hurt or you don't understand the other person. It's important to know why the other person did what they did. Usually autistic people are way better with concrete facts than with vague feelings and implications, and non-verbal communication often completely bypasses us. Similarly, neurotypical people sometimes read messages into an autistic person's behavior that simply weren't there to begin with; for example, social overload might be read as hostility, or a desire for predictability might be read as a desire to control others.

The best solution for both of you is to find a way to communicate, and to communicate about how you communicate. When you fight--when the wires get crossed and you get upset with each other--find out what happened, track it back and correct the problem with communication. When you fight over some issue that you really disagree about, learn how to fight about it without hurting each other. The couples I know who are the most securely bonded aren't the ones who never fight--they're the ones who can fight without harming their relationship. That's a skill to learn.

I wish you both luck. NT/ASD relationships may be tricky, but it's precisely because the two people are different in that crucial way that they can take on a much broader range of what life has to throw at them. Once you learn to work together, you'll both be able to improve the way you compensate for each others' weaknesses and benefit from each others' strengths. A relationship is more than the sum of its parts.

[Atuin]

I will second what Callista say, but will also say that I'd suggest simply reading books about autism in general. They sometimes help with communication issues, just by you understanding more of what her life is like.

[TroubledAngel12]

I agree with you. We've been discussing ways to improve our communication. It's real hard especially when sometimes we cant verbally talk to each other on the phone...we're both busy sometimes...

Originally Posted by Callista

Have you talked explicitly about your communication problems? Essentially, the two of you speak different "languages", so there's a gap in between that causes confusion. It would help to establish some agreements about what you or she will do if you're feeling hurt or you don't understand the other person. It's important to know why the other person did what they did. Usually autistic people are way better with concrete facts than with vague feelings and implications, and non-verbal communication often completely bypasses us. Similarly, neurotypical people sometimes read messages into an autistic person's behavior that simply weren't there to begin with; for example, social overload might be read as hostility, or a desire for predictability might be read as a desire to control others.

The best solution for both of you is to find a way to communicate, and to communicate about how you communicate. When you fight--when the wires get crossed and you get upset with each other--find out what happened, track it back and correct the problem with communication. When you fight over some issue that you really disagree about, learn how to fight about it without hurting each other. The couples I know who are the most securely bonded aren't the ones who never fight--they're the ones who can fight without harming their relationship. That's a skill to learn.

I wish you both luck. NT/ASD relationships may be tricky, but it's precisely because the two people are different in that crucial way that they can take on a much broader range of what life has to throw at them. Once you learn to work together, you'll both be able to improve the way you compensate for each others' weaknesses and benefit from each others' strengths. A relationship is more than the sum of its parts.

[TroubledAngel12]

Thanks for the suggestion. I've been looking up high functioning autism online and ways to communicate better with her.

Originally Posted by Atuin

I will second what Callista say, but will also say that I'd suggest simply reading books about autism in general. They sometimes help with communication issues, just by you understanding more of what her life is like.