[Focus62]

Hi,

I am not diagnosed officially with Aspergers and I'm not sure I fit the criteria. I haven't brought it up to my T yet because I don't think she'd even pay my suspicions about it any attention because I know myself that I don't present as one, but that doesn't mean that I'm not one. I have learned socially acceptable behavior through time and observing others that I have become good at acting and masking what I really want to do as my first instinct. When I am honest with myself, I fit A LOT of the criteria, even when I was little. The one thing I didn't fit when I was little though was the lack of friends idea. I had a small group of friends that I have managed to keep as friends my whole life, however when I moved to a new state from elementary school to middle school, I couldn't make friends and I haven't really had any since those I made in elementary school. I know when I was in elementary school I was supposed to be evaluated for autism because my teachers thought I should be but my parents never consented to having an evaluation done. Now, every once in a while, I'll get comments from two people I know at school (I'm in college now) that have siblings that have aspergers. They say I remind them of their brother in the way I talk about things like animals and geckos (things I consider to be my intense interests), and will subsequently ask me if I have aspergers.

I'm just starting to wonder...and I want to talk to my T about it but I'm afraid she'll write it off because I present nothing like a person with AS. I can make eye contact (I hate it and its a struggle though), I can express empathy, I had friends when I was little but not now... There are so many things she doesn't see though cause she doesn't interact with me out in public during daily life. Like when my routine gets disrupted it drives me crazy and it causes me great anxiety, I am quiet in conversation because I either don't know what to say or I'm afraid of doing something wrong because what if I don't know the right social convention? I would much rather be alone than with others, I have intense interests, I have kept the same hairstyle and clothing style my entire life (very tomboy look for a girl), I find small talk to be a waste of time, I have trouble figuring out what people want from me or are trying to express, I have extreme difficulty in expressing my own feelings and people comment on my "cold and distant" vibe, i always "stim" and fidget, things have to be in the right order otherwise it bothers me, I am detail-oriented and am incapable of multi-tasking...the list goes on. I just feel like something is wrong when I compare myself to others, I feel like nobody "gets" me and I don't get them either. I just can't connect with people on any level. I know nobody can diagnose me but does this sound like AS? Is it possible to have friends when little and then grow up and not relate or connect with anyone in a significant way as an aspie?

[Travelinglady]

I suggest you do tell your therapist what you have told me. What would you like to happen, though, if you did receive the diagnosis of asperger's? Would you like for your therapist to help you some more with these skills?

Keep in mind that there is a spectrum of autistic diagnoses. In fact, the term "asperger's" is going to be removed from the diagnosis list at some point. You could have a milder case, which might explain being able to have some friends (maybe when not as many social skills were required) but now that you are older, you are finding life more difficult. I can not diagnose, though. I am just guessing.