[wishing2bwarm80]

I'm 39 next month.

My Asperger's was a recent diagnosis.

The others:
PTSD
Bipolar III

I also have a few others in the "medical" arena:

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy
-with facial nerve damage, C-spine, and T-spine involvement
Arachnoiditis
Gastroparesis

I'm having a lot of trouble with the fantasy world part, admittedly.

I feel better with people knowing its not intentional. I've had motives and honesty questioned, been called a liar so many times, I pretty much shut most people out, because I'm sick of the amount of abuse I get.

Like I'm doing things intentionally.

Instead of people, I've gotten so I talk to few when before I tried really hard to keep people happy. Eventually my own anxiety got to be so bad, I was about to get ketamine I've wanted for the RSD. I screwed it up, but felt it was kind of both. How I explain it to them, I'm at a loss.

One of the ARNP's has given some painful probing of my lower back, and even with me crying the whole time the first time, it happened 2-3 times.

The stress I'm pretty sure after my counselor I have now, who with a new mental health provider, who made the diagnosis, it helps understand it.

On the 3rd exam? I lost it and had an outburst without meaning to.

And it's not meant to happen. I panic.

And am horrible with people.

What I don't care for is being treated like I'm stupid.

It alone will have me completely come unglued.

Now when I think I'm mad I write it in a notebook, I don't re-read it.

I even will write the fantasy but sometimes? I'm still lost in it.

I relate to the part about going to college: I have a BS degree, most of my Masters in Criminal Justice but that wasn't a great idea. And physically, I'm sick and wouldn't be able to work.

It's nice to not be alone. I still feel that way but I'm tired of being treated line garbage because of having this.

So when I limit the time and number of people?

It's better.

I found though, my anxiety gets so bad its unliveable.

I can't take antidepressants of any kind. I hated the class of meds with stuff like Risperdal, Zyprexa? You're kidding! I'm not psychotic.

But what I'm on isn't helping. Keppra, Depakote and though I have seizures, it has been a long time too. Neurontin, I take for pain.

None of it is working.

I can't stand most of them.

I hate anxiety and that I've been literally told I'm required to continue Neurontin because its "treatment" for anxiety and I never abused anything.

But if having to take 20mg 4/day of Buspar more than six times.

How many times am I supposed to prove it never worked?????

And since I never tried even to fill it even a day early but they're too lazy to check and busy assuming I'd abuse cotton if someone let me?

No prescription is worth that. I took the Neurontin, told the GP wanting to shove Buspar (probably forcefully if legal) down my throat where that Buspar doesn't work and if six tries isn't enough?

I'm not taking it. She needs to stick it, I'll use weed.

It's legal, I'm well over 21, and have a permit.

It helps some of my pain.

I work for a dispensary part time making oils.

That isn't a fantasy. Dream come true. But they know I'm not great with people or guaging what or how much to tell. I used to think read people. I don't.

My notebook goes everywhere.

Thanks. Input is great I think, I just am not great at reading it. I'm not sure how to interpret it.

Thanks .

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! I'm sure you were surprised at your new diagnosis. But it might explain some things from your past, as you say.

I hope the doctors can figure out what meds to give you for your long list of health problems.

[wishing2bwarm80]

I am hoping so.

I'm worn out quite frankly. Most of the health stuff I get a bit hung up on, for whatever reason, even though it's not a black/white type of thinking, and I know the fantasies are different than lying, it drops my anxiety a bit, so I allow it for myself.

I also had a bad oral infection when I saw this-the kind that puts you in overnight for antibiotics.

I know sometimes, as I am learning about this more, I find it does make sense-the Asperger's, I mean. It doesn't undo the harm caused by not being correct the first time, which would have been a huge help-I can't change any of this.

The worst part of this all is for me, the sick feeling I get when I realize now that many people thought I was either not aware that the fantasies I couldn't get rid of weren't obsessions, they weren't ever something I had even presented to anyone-the very very few I even shared them with, I know I did not say they were, or present them as that.

The rest of this, my coordination as a kid, all of it does fit too well. The one last one though, that caused me the biggest problem was at a local teaching hospital, they assumed that I was not only lying, but doing so intentionally to the point of compulsion, the idea makes me sick. I journal this as I learned to do when I was diagnosed.

The thing I find hardest to live with? All of it. And that my "parents" aren't acting like it, at least that they use any diagnosis (medical or mental health) as a way to excuse their own way of dumping on me. "You are ______, which bothers me," and will then say directed at me, some horrible things.

Things not like a threat-names, etc. Emotional abuse. Physically, I live on my own, by choice. I may be disabled. What I got tired of is that this was their excuse (that's how my counselor put it at the women's center) to treat people badly.

I'm not a big one for labels. Probably because many others outside my family use mental health labels for the same reason.

Thanks for your reply.