My husband and I are both on the spectrum. Some things we have in common: As children, both of us were very slow to develop physical coordination, among the last of our age group to be able to do things like throw a ball, ride a bike, climb a tree, and such. But then when we started school, in both cases the school system considered starting us out in the second grade instead of the first (this is two different states; we never met until our 40's) but then changed their minds about it because we were unpopular and ostracized. Our schools blamed that on our "lack of social skills" instead of figuring out that other kids were bullying us. We both have some social anxiety now, but his is worse.

Now, what I want to know is, he has trouble discerning tones of voice. He can hear loud versus soft volume, or high versus low pitch, but a sharp edge in anybody's voice, his own or others, will fly right past him.

When he's tired, he might bite somebody's head off in a grump. If that ends up hurting somebody's feelings, he'll immediately want to defend his choice of words, because he thinks the words are what they took offense to. If I try to tell him, "It wasn't what you said. It was your tone of voice," it doesn't compute. He'll answer, sounding confused, "There was no tone of voice."

Of course there is always a tone of voice, but he doesn't hear it. It's like being color blind, only with hearing instead of with vision. I, on the other hand, am almost hypersensitive to tone of voice. I'll pick up subtle sarcasm or mocking, or something like that, and they'll deny they meant it that way and tell me it was my imagination. Then later it will turn out to be true.

Which of those is usually the spectrum trait? Not hearing tone of voice at all, or hearing it with bat-like radar?

[rosska]

I have problems discerning certain tone of voice. I'm also not good at noticing my own tone of voice, or my volume. Everybody who knows me is forever telling me I have no concept of whispering, because when I "whisper" I just lower the tone of my voice apparently but stay at the same volume. To me it sounds like I'm whispering, I can barely hear myself.

I think it's pretty common for those of us on the spectrum to not be able to discern tone of voice, though it is called a spectrum for a reason. Not everybody has the exact same level of problems. For instance, I still understand sarcasm pretty well and in fact I'm a rather sarcastic person myself. But if somebody was to say something with a 'hidden' undertone, it would go right over my head.

[-jimi-]

I cannot really reply properly. I can sometimes hear a difference in people's voices and sometimes not, and sometimes I can hear a change in their voice NO ONE else hears, so I can hear when someone is really sad and hides it or lies and no one else did and that is just so weird. I'm very musical so maybe that ties into that.

I'm not very good at regulating my own voice and also my friend enables me, because she seems not to hear the difference in it. LOL. I hope I don't tick people off a lot.

You must have a really amazing relationship! I bet there are things he gets that you don't as well? How totally wonderful it must be to be able from a spectrum view to be able to help and guide each other. I hope you really have an open communication here with no pride attached because it seems like you can complement each other so much.

[RTerroni]

It happens all of the time, people often say that I'm yelling when I think I am speaking in a normal tone of voice.