[rosska]

I've seen quite a few threads from people not on the spectrum, asking for advice on dating somebody who is on the spectrum. Funnily enough, I've never seen any asking for advice the other way round.

Personally, I've never been able to maintain a long term relationship (the longest I've had was about a year). I find them to be a lot of pressure, there is an expectation to change yourself to fit with this other person who is suddenly a big part of your life and then after all of that, if it doesn't work out, you're suddenly left with this big empty hole that you don't know how to fill because you've adapted everything in your life to fit around them.

There are also some pretty big issues to overcome when you are in a relationship. Things such as, expressing emotions. I can come across as cold or disconnected, when in fact I may be madly in love but I just don't always show it outwardly. I prefer to just tell somebody I like them, if I'm in love then I'll tell them I love them, probably a few times each day. To most people though, that comes across as 'clingy' because I keep saying it but to me that's the only way I know to express my feelings. I don't pick up on the little queues and hidden faces that people have, so if they don't say it back then I can only assume they don't feel it.

Then there's things like structure and routine. I like to know what I'm doing, weeks in advance. I get very overwhelmed by last minute changes to any of my plans, even if they are a meant to 'help' or be 'kind'. My most recent ex (a few years ago now) had this really annoying habit of giving me 'surprise visits', where they would just turn up at my house when I thought they were meant to be at work. I hated that! The first time I got lucky because they had to confirm my address with my friend, who then called to tell me they were coming so I could act surprised but know about it before hand (my friend knows I hate things like that). Now, I know this was meant to be a 'nice' thing to do, but it really wasn't for me at all. I had plans of my own, even if they may have seemed like 'no plans' to somebody else they were my plans and it was what I envisioned doing over those few days. Suddenly my life was being ripped out from under me and I had no control over it any more, that's not my idea of 'nice'.

On top of that, we have 'the little things'. Now to most people, little things really don't matter. If you use the wrong cup, or you eat breakfast after you've showered, or you decide not to watch that show you always watch on a Thursday night because you're too tired and think you'd prefer an early night... But to me, these little things are just as important as any of the 'big' things. I use the same cup for my cup of tea every morning, and the same cup (not the same as my morning tea cup) for my hot chocolate every night, if somebody uses one of those cups (usually my brother when he's visiting) then I will just implode. I always eat my breakfast before I shower, so if somebody decides to take up the kitchen then not only can I not eat breakfast but I can't shower either. I always do things like watch Thursday's shows on Thursday night (I record a lot of TV to be fair, but I watch the same shows on the same night of each week and anything else gets watched when I have spare time). For instance, tonight is Friday so I'll be watching 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

My most recent ex did actually call me boring to my face, which hurt because they may see it that way but I like my life just fine and I don't find it boring. I actually find hanging out in large groups of people, or going to clubs/pubs, or doing everything on a whim to be less fun. I guess a lot of it does come down to the two people involved, but it's still food for thought and any advice from either side of the line would be welcomed because I keep seeing people asking how to deal with our 'quirks' but I never see anybody telling us how to deal with their randomness.

[CantExplain]

I recommend a compliant partner who is looking for stability.

[rosska]

Haha, probably a good idea!
I've been interested in somebody for a while now, we've been talking online for about four years now yet we've only met in person once because I get overwhelmed and usually cancel out of fear. They live on the opposite side of the country to me (I'm in Scotland so that's not too far really) so to meet we always arrange a central point between us. That would be great, if it wasn't for the fact that the central point is Glasgow and I hate cities. They are too loud, too busy, and too chaotic for me to enjoy.

I also worry because they are out a lot, most recently they 'randomly' decided to go to Poland for a few days to visit a friend... I worry that even though I really like them, they will find me boring.

[JoyDivision7680]

Darn, I wish I had some advice, but unfortunately one of my 'handicaps' is not being able to give proper advice besides cliche ones - what am I talking about, probably over 50% of my attitude&vocabulary in social situations is taken from someone else, including movies, books, etc.
All I can say is I relate to a big part of the things you wrote up there. I remember last time I dated a NT; it was uncomfortable, mostly. Why are girls always expect to hear "I love you"? If I don't feel that way, why are they forcing me to lie? Also, physical contact in certain zones of my body, feelings needing to be expressed, phone calls, etc. it's all too exhausting

[rosska]

I do wonder if that's something to do with AS. I find giving advice hard, unless I can just tell them about something similar that's happened to me. Taking things from movies and books is fine by me, I do the same thing, it's just a shame the real world is seldom like those events haha.

Ah, wow I totally forgot to mention the physical contact issues. Generally I find physical contact more uncomfortable with family and friends (or complete strangers), but with someone I'm dating I can be more accepting of it.

But yes, all the phone calls and talking about stuff that just doesn't seem important is very exhausting.

[JoyDivision7680]

As I probably said in the past, I don't mind physical contact if it's not in the 'forbidden areas' of my body. But of course I don't like touching everything and everyone either xD
I noticed that if I want to do something I usually wouldn't (e.g. phone calls), it can be done almost without a problem. It's rare though.