need to know about Aspergers to know how to help teenage son

Alone & confused · Mar 05, 2014, 12:35 PM

My son has AD/HD & Aspergers. I'm dealing with my own bipolar/depression/anxiety disorder & trying to understand what my youngest of 5 kids is going through so I can help him. I don't know how to relate to him on his level. He has a high IQ, (higher than mine I'm sure) is REALLY sweet & lovable, but his teachers & counselor are concerned about his maturity level. They're afraid he "won't be able to function in society" without my help. I, on the other hand, think he's going to be brilliant & design something that will make him rich! But I still need to find ways to help him. Any input would be most helpful!

Lexi232 · Mar 06, 2014, 09:55 AM

The biggest thing i think i could express is that, even if he doesn't respond, or interact in a way that would usually tell someone that he heard them, he really did hear. Communication is such a challenging thing, and it's hard for others to understand. because we can speak, and speak very well on some thing, but other things it's a great struggle. Having a parent like you, is really a great thing. Support and understanding is a big need.
Aspergers has a big range of descriptions and details, more like a encyclopedia that it could all fit into.
Try not to let the school define him. You say he's the youngest, so the truth is, no one knows right now if functioning in society is going to be a struggle or a strong ability of his. I know of a bunch of people living on their own with aspergers(myself included). has his IQ been tested by a psychologist? I think one of the biggest things that could help him is a routine, schedule, and strict stability of that routine. Once he gets even older throwing one thing into his routine that was unexpected every week or two could help him be able to find the ways to cope with the change that may come from others later on in his routine. and there may be times that you can send him to be with another family, or friend that could be mixed into the schedule some, with someone who can be supportive too. That way you still get the "me" time that can be used to refresh for the next coming week. Truth is, he may still live with you after the legal age comes around. but he could also be living on his own, there's no way to say which, until that very moment comes up. and he might be able to live on his own, but have to come home in waves. always make sure that other people who deal with him, or are suppose to be supportive for him, are doing their jobs, and not abusing their authority on him, or taking advantage of him. you may have to stay involved in his life and daily actions even though he's living on his own. but it will be a lot less than when he's living with you. because no matter how much someone can love and care for someone, theres a limit to how much one is able to care for someone without a vacation or the "me" time to be able to refresh.
everyone is different with aspergers, they say if you meet one person with aspergers, then that's just one person you've met. we have a lot of the same quirks, and sensory issues, along with the socialization, and interactions, and non verbal problems. we think in pictures, not words. so a lot of the explanations of feelings are used by describing another time when we felt that way, or in the instance that i'm mad- i would of said "Its just like when i was told that i should of been able to speak up" that incident made me mad. but i was lacking the knowledge to use "i'm mad". i had a therapist who would often be like "mad, sad, or glad?" and once i was able to put how the emotion fit into "unwanted feeling, feeling that makes me wanna cry, or great feel that makes me wanna go 'squeee'" i was able to atleast express the closest i could figure out to it, so others can understand. we ramble a lot too. in therapy there is some who know about aspergers enough that can help. in one main area would be the social life problems that we face. We do better around animals than people. they are pretty straight forward. people tend to have a lot of reading between the lines, subtle hints, saying one thing but meaning another, etc. facial expressions is another rough thing. so is "staring". also eye contact can be a big task, but learning how to do all of this is something that can be achieved!

it just take a long while before he gets to that point. and he may never be to how others feel he should be, but its how he perceives himself that really matters. if you want, getting him a dog or cat could be very benificial. you can even look into a therapy pet, or - oh i forget the name they label it, but i'll look it up and come back to add that. I think its a "Service animal" or "assistance animal" but here's a link to explain it more that i found on a news site about a boy with autism and an assistance animal:
Autism Assistance Dog Makes World Of Difference For Tulsan - NewsOn6.com - Tulsa, OK - News, Weather, Video and Sports - KOTV.com |
having a dog will get him out of the house and into the outside world, and some kids will wanna come up and he can then discuss everything he knows about dogs and it's a great "ice breaker" when he usually would be stuck without that situation, aka, the dog brings the other kids over because most kids love dogs, and because they love dogs, they are willing to listen to the owner about anything while they are allowed to pet the dog. a dog can also improve his life-provided that he likes dogs. if hes scared of them, then that wouldn't be a great idea.. maybe some other pet. i dont think a puppy would be a good idea, due to you would really need one that was already potty trained and trained/learned to be accepting of small people (kids). Pet therapy may be another option if taking care of a pet isn't an option. (but taking care of one can be both challegning and will teach him how to take the responsibility and apply it to taking care of his dog).
Here's some more resources on the pet therapy, and service animals for autism/aspergers and for people on the autism spectrum:

Some of these links are also more than one story/newsline, into a site that's for autism children, adult children, and their family and friends.

There are quite a few support groups out there that can give much more support for the family and family's friends than having to find people in the neighborhood or in schools.
It truely is a great gift for him to have you. even if it's hard to understand him, he still is grateful for everything you do. He may need more hands on, and one on one help and need someone to get involved in his life to achieve "independence" but it will be rewarding for both you, and him once he reaches that stage of life. Early support, and interventions, is the best thing anyone with aspergers can recieve. and we can be blunt sometimes, but it's not meant to be rude. we state something as how we see it. we can figure out things that even a "normal" person cant, and they find that to be something the admire in us. We usually have a great memory, and can rehear what we've heard someone say in the past, in our minds. making it easy for us to relate the information verbatimly. teaching him things in school with a certain rhythm and singing it repetitively will cause him to never forget that information. (like i know one of my parents social security number, because she would say it in a certain rhythm all the time- and to prove it to her, i can repeat it verbatim, along with the same rhythm she would use. and even tho i dont see the numbers in my head when i retell it, i can later sing it, and gather the numbers through that way. (also works for an equation in algebra that i was taught. i know absolutly nothing about how to work it, until i sing it and write the things down as i'm singing it) so i guess we dont just think in pictures but the tone and sounds of what we hear. and even tho it's words, it's just the sounds and patterns put together that make the words. and thus we have to piece the words together from the sounds we know. like "x equals negative b, plus or minus the square root, of b square minus four a c, all over two a" (qudratic folumula i think.. lol) -oh, and to show you how much we think literally. in middle school i had a one on one helper who apparently thought i already learned that the square root in math. and i gave her this weird "are you serious" look when she told me to write down the "square root" and she insisted until I did.. and it just didn't make sense to me but i wrote it down anyways... a drew a square with a root from a plant looking thing next to the part of my math answer. she thought i was just being a smart butt, but i was completely clueless as to what she meant. - after a parent conference meeting and a long hour of telling me how i shouldn't do things like that, and how i should take school seriously it was finished, and i still didn't know why the answer had a square shape and a root added to it. this sort of situation happened quite often.. it was hard to take someone seriously when they told me that they understood me, but they didn't seem to understand that i wasn't trying to be a smart butt, and i wasn't trying to look like i'm lieing over how i "acted up" and lieing over how i didn't mean anything negative towards anyone or to make things hard for them. the didn't seem to understand that i did it out of trying to follow instructions. but they saw it as i was all these negative things and not following instructions.. how do they think they understand me when they dont understand that.. its rare to ever find someone who says they understand you, and they really do mean that they understand you. and its quite frequent when people think that they understand you, but they really dont, and that adds isolation feelings and alienated feelings, and like your core person is not understandable by anyone in your everyday life, so that must mean you're different, and no one is there to help you understand, or grow. because a lot of common coping skills that work for others, doesn't even remotely produce the same effect that it does on those with aspergers. througout life its hard not to feel different... and sad about it.. because its can be such a core issue for someone that "it makes or breaks" them (so to speak..) ..

Aspergers is usually added with the following "Autism" label, even tho they are different diagnosis's, they both are on the same spectrum, and both struggle many of the same difficults, just at different degrees, and uniqueness. Things that help and say "autism" isn't limited to Autism (unless they specifically state that), all of those who fall under the autism spectrum disorder (aspergers, being one of them) are grouped into "autism" (or thats as far as i can tell and put an explaination to it lol - it may not be correct in an medical stand point but its the conclusion i made to understand why there are a lot of people saying autism but it also has aspergers and other autism spectrum disorders tied in with that label. - i think that had to do with when they changed the dsm- type book and they were first discussing how they were going to do away with the aspergers disorder and just group everything on the autism spectrum disorder either as autism or autism nos. but then after a big conflict between parents and family and the medical board who makes these decisions, they kept the diagnosis' but added stricter guidelines to be able to be diagnosed with aspergers. I dont know if the same more stricter guidelines goes for the other diagnosis under the spectrum, or not.

i think the widest understanding is that technology and animals are the best forms of living and getting things done, and other things. I haven't heard of anyone yet that hasn't found those two things helpful. I use my iphone with an app on it that helps with communication (assistance technology- aka Proloquo2Go" its free if a therapist contacts the company and gives them a written letter telling them why the child or adult will better function with this- otherwise i think it's like $299 or $500 something). also something you can use that may help you and your sons communication and knowing whats going in his life is an app called "Autism Pro" there's another one that's a free version. but i bought the pro version when i found it helpful (and it was only like a dollar or two on the apple app store). I think there may be similar apps on other smart phones, and tablets. something i've found helpful is having multiple choices when i can't think of a word that i need to describe something accurately. the autism pro app can be personlized for the child or adult. and it keeps track of their moods, wants, what happened, if they felt ok, or how much they drank, or how much they ate, or what they did and didn't eat, and how much time they spent on activities or what activies they did during the day, what they liked, and what they didn't. and a bunch of other things you can add or take out of it for your boy. then either every day or week you can email it to yourself from the app, or have it auto email you it's weekly report every week by its self. (in the settings of the app) that way you can keep a contact with him, and know if something comes up, or if something looks like it needs to be looked into, that otherwise you might not have your attention brought to it, or even know of it happening (usually at school. cause once a kid comes home, the last thing they want to do is live in the memories of what went wrong at school. and i personally live in the moment. just like a loyal puppy dog (in more ways than one; waiting loyally right where the person told me that they would be back, or everyday when a parent comes home from work, waiting at the doorway with an uplugged super nintendo game controller in my hand.) and doggies love a person as long as they are being treated nice to them in this particular moment. but you might not see what goes on when no one is looking, just like with a dog, the impact still affects a person, but they might not show that until something else shows up and brings your attention to it. (by this i mean, bullying, or uncaring talk or actions from a teacher, or friend, or family friend, or family..) it's not something intentional, it's just something built in. kinda like giving someone the "benefit of the doubt" with every next word they say, or action they do.
also it's best to let the previous day go. dwelling in past actions he's done wont solve anything. focusing on the good points, will show him what is liked by the general population, and find better ways to get even better at these things. and sometimes it is just out of our control when we do something. tho i've not found someone who has acknowledged that they understand that. i usually receive the opposite. sensory's can become overloaded, and overwhelmed.. to better understand this, a "normal" person can take about 7 or 8 sour warheads of all different flavors (making sure theres a yellow in there somewhere or more of them) and stick them all in your mouth, all at once. and dont spit them out, keep them until they are all gone.. that gets about the same effect as being overwhelmed for those with aspergers. and these can cause meltdowns, which from an outside stand point can be misunderstood as a tantrum or throwing a fit. but usually you can put a reason to why the person is throwing a fit when that comes up. and they will voice exactly what they want, and are mad that they aren't getting it, or being treated "fairly" (which btw, whats fair for one person, can be not fair for another (aka un-aspergers children may find something unfair that an aspergers child getting, or recieving. but infact, taking that "unfair" thing away from from aspie kid -just so the non aspie kid finds it fair, isn't a good solution. And giving to them both, the same treatment, may not be a good solution as well. Like if a aspie kid need something to communicate, and that something is an iphone, and it works (or a pet, or "Special treatment" or a number of other things can fit in there, in place of that word), and taking that away from the aspie kid would cause a back step of progress, that would be unfair for the aspie kid. as a non aspie kid might find it unfair for them personally because they want an iphone, but the other kid gets one and they dont. but the non aspie kid can live and cope in day to day life with, or without it. an aspie kid couldn't. (not specifically an 'iphone' that's just an example).

If you have a facebook, there are some really good autism spectrum disorder ones; here are those links:

And some really good support sites here:

MyAutismTeam | The social network for parents of kids with autism. <-- the best i know of, for parents and friends of those who are on the autism spectrum disorder. It's active, and accurate, and plenty of support by those who's been there, and can understand how it might be going for you. or you may find out things that you didn't even recognize as something that those with aspergers do or have the same quirks. ( personally i've found a lot of things that wasn't described anywhere else and then when i had a therapist that encouraged me to start researching it online, i found out the things that i thought were just weird and no one else did, came from aspergers, and i found out that i wasn't the only one! )
Autism Hwy | Informative Friendship Network | Free Membership

My therapist a while back recommended that i sit down and watch the Temple Grandin movie and read her books. i showed my family too, those give some insight into asperger brains. Shes a doctor who also has aspegers, and she also is a book writer and movie director (From what i've gathered about her).

Sorry that this is so long, and a lot of it is jumping back and forth (mainly because i keep coming back and adding more to it lol).

We have trouble with socialization, and non verbal language, and other things. One of the things I typed up recently that ended up describing some of my struggles caused by aspergers is posted on facebook:

Quote:

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A reply on the topic of Aspergers..

In an user created discussion i posted a reply which is prolly the best explanation that i've been able to give as of yet. (the first post, is the one i replied to. and it had people stating if they liked having the diagnosis or if they hated it.)

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(the smiley image is located here) http://s.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/happybounce.gif

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(happybounce.gif)

me too!
(sorry the smiley doesn't really fit my reaction on this, but i saw it and i just can't stop watching it lol)

Anyways, me too.. though i dont see it as a bad thing. my parents were in denial since i was 4 (first time i was diagnosed was at 4yr and i was diagnosed with autism (aspergers wasn't around yet for a few more years i think (atleast not known about by the general psychologists population)). he told my parents that it was really a tough call, because i didn't quite fit in the autism dx, but i also didn't quite fit in the adhd/add dx . he said it seemed like a middle of the two. but i was more autistic than adhd/add. so he went with that diagnosis. he said that, my attention span for a four year old seemed to be distracted easily until i was determined or had found interest in things. such as he had me sitting completely still for a certain amount of time and he wanted to see how long i could sit still before i moved or spoke, or fidgeted.
on the first try i didn't get very far into it. and then i asked him what he wanted of me, and he gave more specific directions instead of just telling me to sit still as long as i could (which was to watch the clock and wait for the big hand to go around to the top) and i begged him to let me have another try and he did. So, i stayed still that second time. even up to the point when the clock timer thing went off- then i covered my ears at that. *cringes just at the memory of that sound*
anyways my parents fought it, moved me around like crazy. never staying one place for over a year(most of the time because teachers couldn't handle me, or i was just too weird for them, or i wasn't understanding the rules of school and how i wasn't allowed to play with my jacket and backpack (who were my friends in elementary) in the back of the classroom where i sat. and i wasn't allowed to just get up and leave the room to go outside to play or pick flowers by a tree, or clovers, etc.). and most places I averaged about a month or two. but the shortest time spent in a school was until lunch time on my first day. then once i was 15yr they went back to the dx of autism-things were really bad then. no structure, no routine, and a very dysfunctional life during that point in time. -they've changed since then so its a lot better now than it was then. and also i think the hormonal balance is back to normal in me as well. but when i was 18 it was changed back to aspergers when they were trying to figure just what was wrong with me (they being the psych doctors). and its changed a lot by other physicians but it always comes back to aspergers or autism. right now it's aspergers. (although my doctor wrote down both "Aspergers disorder" and "Autism" on the axis 1 line. but i dont really understand how you are able to have both when they both fall under the autism spectrum. maybe that just means they dont know which exactly i fall under the most? i dont really know, and i haven't asked lol)

I dont see it as something i hate. because it explains so much about me. and makes me feel like i'm not an alien at all times. I feel like theres people out there that understand me. and not just those who think they understand me and give me a sample story of how they have done or felt the same way as me - when it really has no simliarity in how i feel or thing or experience. and it gives a title that i can now seek out to find other coping skills, that actually work! lol . i also commonly get the "i just dont understand. how can you NOT be able to do this!?" or "you need to quit acting up, theres no reason that you should be doing this!" or "that just doesn't make sense." and then something added along the lines that changes the trust system we had, because they feel that i'm making it up, or lieing, because it just doesn't make sense to them. for example its like when they believed that i was lieing to them because i didn't remember to eat. or i would just forget to eat. they didn't see how anyone could forget to eat. so therefore i must have been lieing. (i wasn't.)

And this is experiences that i've encountered more outside of the home with people, than inside of it.

but i can certainly understand why it can be loved or hated, or both at the same time. lol - actually i think i am both at the same time. but more on the like it side- just because having the answers makes it better for me, and most of my core person and issues are answered through that dx and there's others who REALLY DO understand to the full extend as to how i'm thinking, feeling, and/or acting - when everyone else in life only believe or want to to believe that they understand, but in reality they dont.. the statements they provide as proof that they understand, disproves it. and they can't even see that. and i dont know the words to say to explain myself when in these moments so i just get even more frustrated, then really frustrated with myself, and i'm clueless for words to get my feelings out, and the words to properly express myself for them to understand and believe me.

except for times like these, where i end up letting it all go that i've been working on gathering words for months on. but once i've gathered those words, i've been able to recall them at any needed time. although, reading/typing/writing is difficult to put out verbally. the exchanging of the two take some time, which gets rough when in a face-to-face converstation because its like having to translate it from one language to the next, so it takes time and patience from both the recipient and myself.
But it's like a video with a built in cheat system. once you learn a cheat code in the game, its forever unlocked. but until you locate that cheat code you can't get it out, or get your message across as to what you want in the game. (for example) you can always modify your route around the cheat code and just beat the game by time and skill, but you will still lack the cheat code at the end of the game only getting half of what you wanted to get out, properly out. People think that i explain myself very well, however, its like that video game. i can explain myself just enough to get the job done (beating the game), but it still doesn't correctly represent what i'm feeling and thinking and experiencing to the very exact degree of accuracy. and the cheat codes also are usually unlocked once you first find the cheat code and use the code for the first time. after that, you can select it each time (in this sense, that cheat code is like a word or phrase that i'm missing and trying hard to get my exact meaning out into a word or phrase. but once i'm able to figure it out and piece all the words together that accurately represent myself in a matter, i can pull it up and select it at any needed moment. and i dont have to struggle with re-working the puzzle to put the words back together once the puzzle is already put together and glued up in a frame (much like, hanging on the wall inside my mind).

And even with all of this said.. this is only about 45% of the struggling i cope with throughout each day. The things i mostly struggle with, are misunderstood by those people without aspergers, unless they have a friend or family member who has it and they've learned how to understand it.

Alone & confused · Mar 06, 2014, 11:44 AM

Lexi THANK YOU SO MUCH! Like you said, things that work for others don't work for him. I've raised 4 other children, but I've had to alter myself to be the mother He needs. In order to effectively do that, I need to "get inside his head" to figure out what His Needs are. And as you well know, it's hard for him to communicate them with me. The hardest thing a mother can do for her child is "nothing". If they're hungry, it's easy to figure out that you need to feed them. If they have a scratch, it's easy to put on a Band Aid. But when they're going through something you don't understand, & you don't know how to help them, it's the worst feeling in the world! I'm having trouble finishing this right now because I'm using my phone which WON'T STOP RINGING & it's messing up! I'll come back to this later.

WePow · Mar 07, 2014, 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

In order to effectively do that, I need to "get inside his head" to figure out what His Needs are.

You have identified the key you need. Good going!
One way to do this is to watch/listen to other people on the spectrum who have documented their own struggles and successes. One such lady is Dr Temple Grandin

Watch this video as she does an excellent job talking about parenting someone on the spectrum. Every parent with a child on the spectrum needs to see this.

Alone & confused · Mar 14, 2014, 12:31 PM

Thank you SO MUCH for all the useful information! This will help me SO MUCH!!

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need to know about Aspergers to know how to help teenage son

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