Being Diagnosed with Aspergers At Twenty—Having Been Undiagnosed as a Child

I am twenty and I am convinced that I have a mild case of Aspergers that has gone undiagnosed.

My behavior was very abnormal growing up— I was awkward in social situations and did not know how to act appropriately, I very rarely spoke and when I did it was short and my voice was shaky and very soft, issues interpreting people's emotions, reactions, actions, ect. In whole having a conversation was nearly impossible for me.
I become obsessed with certain topics in detail and am very sensitive to noises, crowds, and especially physical contact. When coming in contact with another person's skin I feel as if my skin is literally burning. I can handle handshakes so long I hold respect for the person, but in some instances I panic.

The largest aspect is the issues concerning social situations.
During my first year in college I gained confidence and was able to get a job in retail and was complimented quite often for my niceness, but it was an act.
I learned to make eye contact and to filter my mind in a way to be able to make a decent conversation.

But after having a breakdown, multiple hospitalizations, undergoing ECT, ongoing therapy, ect I can no longer function in social situations once. I have trouble looking my therapist in the eye, I can not handle going out to a restaurant and usually have a panic attack.

If I was tested or observed at a young age I most certainly would of been labeled with Aspergers, but then again in the 90s–early 2000s I don't recall autism and Aspergers to be as large of a concern as it is now or in the public spot light, but I may be mistaken as I did not understand a great deal of things growing up.

In high school during a hospitalization they ruled out Aspergers after a two minute interview. But as my state of mind and stability quickly dissolved I find myself to be back into social habits ( not quite habits but behaviors) similar to those I possessed as a young child. In high school I was unable to function socially, especially during my jr and senior year. I have had issues with Borderline as well, especially during that time.

Having a confirmed diagnoses would help the mental health care providers working with me to have a better understanding concerning my issues with social situations, help my professors to understand my behavior (many know I have many issues regarding hospitalizations and what not), but mostly to give me a peace of mind and to help me understand myself, actually the largest part would be just to know that there is nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with the way I act and just give me a bit of confidence as I am most defiantly not the only person in the world with such troubles in social situations.

But I am afraid that me being convinced just plays along with having done research and studying different disorders in class that I look for these signs in myself, similar to 'med student syndrome', becoming convinced that I have every disorder that I read about.

I understand how you feel. I have not had the hospitalizations like you did, but I came close a few times. At 24, I couldn't take it anymore, my lack of social skills, love life, this feeling that I couldn't understand stuff that is so natural to other people, so I went to our university psych department and I was diagnosed with Asperger's, well, autism spectrum disorder. My life was pretty similar to yours - intense obsessions with obscure stuff, can't communicate with others, when I speak to others I sound like an idiot that can't string together a conversation, no friends, no social life. It worked on me for years until I was 24. I think if I didn't get the diagnosis, I would have cracked by now.

I'm glad you got your diagnosis at 20. I waited just a little too long. I waited just too long enough so that there was enough time for a failed relationship (among other things) in my life and I developed depression as a result. Now this is the problem I deal with, the autism is not the issue anymore, in fact it never was. I like who I am, my special ways and things, but some days I hate myself for being a social and romantic failure. The thing that plagues me now is the depression. I have lost my feeling, I am numb. As a result, I have lost that intense hyper-focal obsessive ability I had as a child. I miss that very much, because it was the one thing I could do that nobody else around me could, it was a game only I knew how to play. It was the one thing that made me want to stick around. Depression robbed me of that, now I have nothing.

All the best, I know how tough it is .