Lack of understanding social norms, poor social skills due to autistic traits or negl

Hi, I figured I'd post here.

On and off over the course of my life, I've searched for reasons why I have difficulty grasping social cues, understanding social norms and learning social skills.

I've often wondered if I have autistic traits as I generally don't understand social norms, especially those regarding...grooming, dressing and hygiene.

I mean, I care because of the negative consequences at work, but I really didn't understand why unkempt hair and frayed clothes are problematic until coworkers lectured me on "first impressions" and even today, I still feel people should be assessed by the quality of their work rather than how presentable they look.

I also have poor social skills and I feel I only learn them by consciously deciding to intellectually observe more socially competent people.

I have preoccupations / obsessions and I used to not understand why people didn't get my consuming obsessions and wouldn't pick up on their boredom cues.

I was born extremely premature - at the edge of viablity - and read that also is a risk factor for autism spectrum disorders.

I was also bullied throughout my school life and in my working life.

I've talked to two teachers I know with several years of experience working with autistic kids and youth ranging from mild to severe on the spectrum.

They think my difficulty with social stuff is due to childhood neglect (as they believe I was raised in an abusive and neglectful home) rather than me having autistic traits.

How can I know for sure?

I know the "refrigerator mother" theory has been debunked but I really don't know how I can find out if it's my upbringing or if I really do have autistic traits to explain my lifelong social difficulties and lack of understanding of social norms.

Have you considered speaking to your doc about these concerns? It could very well be that your childhood is the main root, but honestly the only one who will be able to tell you fully would be a psychologist.

If you've had an ongoing feeling of 'I don't get it' when it comes to interacting with people or how people work, there is a good chance you could be on the spectrum more than it having to do with upbringing.

My partner of 7 years knew something was different for years, but was pooh-poohed by his parents that he was just a slow learner. After a couple of years together (I travel half the month, so we weren't together every day) and moving in together, I realized through my background (BA, psych) that he could be on the spectrum. He took an online test, which did, indeed come up as low on the spectrum. Now we have the info. However, he is still in a low paying job where they don't bother him about his clothing or hair, and doesn't want to go to counseling, although he promised to do so....now we're in it....financially especially. Where can he go and feel comfortable talking with others in his situation? Where can I go?

I have been struggling with depression for a long time, but was just diagnosed with Aspergers a few years ago. I have always struggled with social stuff also. A doctor recommended a book to me that was very helpful
Socially Curious and Curiously Social by Michelle Garcia Winner and Pamela Cooke. It is geared towards teenagers, but it helped me a lot. They have another book titled Social Thinking at work Why Should I Care? It is also very good. Both books break down social situations to help you figure out what is going on and what you can do to respond to them.
Maybe one of these would be helpful for you