I am likely on the autism spectrum. I have some level of social manifestations, but they are pretty minor. Unfortunately, I have a high degree of difficulty with executive functioning. I have had some level of employment, but it has been pretty menial and part time. I have done some writing online, which I could easily do in conjunction with something else. In general, I have one major problem. My family has been encouraging and offering for me to live with them. I currently have been living with them. Due to this, I have been in the pattern of doing basically next to nothing with myself. I graduated college, but since I finished I have been doing next to nothing. Even though my family is open to me staying with them, I just never was able to possibly think that they would play any role in my adult life. As a kid, I figured that as an adult I would be completely on my own without having any sort of support. To be honest, at times they haven't always been nice to me. A few times they have flipped out and said some pretty mean things to me out of anger. I've never really forgotten any of it. Even if it weren't for any of that, I just felt like I didn't want any of this. I figured that autistic or not, I was just going to get cut loose when I turned 18. Truthfully, I don't get why I am still living under their roof, stuck in the same place I was when I was ****ing 5! I am 23 ****ing years old for ****'s sake! I figured that they were going to be the one's to get me set off on my own. I figured that they were going to be the ones to cut the cord. Instead, they want me to stay until I have things fully worked out for myself. Now, I am left still in the house like a 5 year old and only 10 thousand dollars to my name. I just wish I had the opportunity to do something else with my life. I also think there is something different about me in terms of my sexuality. I'm interested in women, but I just feel different than other guys. I feel like I'm somehow more feminine acting in some sense than most men, even though other people can't really see that. I sometimes find myself thinking about other guys. I told my parents about all this and they were completely okay with it. However, somehow I see this as a reason that I shouldn't or can't be independent. I somehow think that if that's the case with me, I can't be able to support myself. I feel like it's contradictory. I feel like if this is the case, having a "real" job is out of the question. I know this isn't the case, but I just have inflicted this twisted viewpoint upon myself and it's hard to shake. Sometimes, my family says things that really get to me. Sometimes they have gotten annoyed and even angry with me for saying negative, disparaging things about myself. I can't always help it though. Sometimes, I'd say things like that I was garbage and no good and they'd tell me that I was "ambushing" them with the negative stuff about myself. My Mom even started saying stuff about how she was leaving because she couldn't listen to me disparaging myself anymore. I couldn't help but disparage myself though. I felt like an utter failure, and I still do at times. They didn't want to hear that I was feeling that way about myself and said that it was a "downer" for them to hear me disparaging myself and saying how terrible everything was all the time. They have said things like that they "just want me to be happy", but how am I supposed to be happy when I am basically a 5 year old in the body of a 23 year old in terms of my independence. They seem to understand that the autism is a stressful and difficult experience for me, but they don't want me making these overarching negative statements about myself. It's hard though. How am I supposed to not hate myself at times when I am in this position in life? Sometimes, I get this idea in my head that even though I'm in their house and all that my family never really loved me, even though they definitely do. I worry that somehow they just see me as an object and a sort of expendable item for their show and tell. I know this isn't really true, but the idea still crosses my mind at times. Part of me has wanted that to be true, because then I would not be in the same position I was when I was 5 but with a college degree and a crappy, can't make a living with it job! Sure, I could put it together with another crappy, can't make a living with it job and make a crappy, barely eking by living. However, my family is not forcing that at the moment and it does not seem to be on the horizon. Instead, I am just here in their house just like I was when I was 5.

[kaliope]

it sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem. i used to talk disparaging about myself often too. then, I came up with one indisputable fact. one good thing about me that I could not deny no matter how bad I felt about myself. for me it was that I was a good writer. I have always gotten A's on my papers for as long as I can remember and write professional evaluations today that receive praise. there is no denying that I am a good writer. so when I started running off that list of bad things in my head, I could say, yeah, but I am a good writer to compliment myself and feel good instead of bad. soon I found more good things about me and added them to the list. it took awhile but eventually I started believing that I was a good person with these good qualities. this is how I built my self esteem.