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#1
May 11, 2016, 10:57 AM
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First let me clarify, I don't have an "official" diagnosis yet, because apparently in my health network neuropsychological testing is required for one. But my psychiatrist told me he has a "strong clinical suspicion" that I am on the spectrum. Considering that I myself have been considering this possibility, and then my psych said his suspicions are based on many of the same symptoms that made me suspicious, without me even telling him many of them, it seems pretty likely. My first visit with him was just to talk about my medication and some problems I was having at work. During that visit he made notes, but didn't tell me, that he already suspected autism spectrum and either avoidant or dependent personality, which I also suspected. I came into my appointment two days ago with a list of symptoms and asked him, without telling of my suspicions, to evaluate me because I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCPD as an adolescent, but I'm now 25 and those diagnoses don't seem to cover everything anymore.
I was honestly surprised when the first thing he suggested afterward was autism spectrum. I had noticed a lot of similarities but I honestly thought a mental health professional would tell me I was mistaken on the interpretation of the symptoms. I mean, I've been seeing behavioral health specialists since I was 10, how can it have taken this long for someone to notice? I am looking into the testing, but I think it will only confirm our suspicions. So now of course I'm trying to figure out what this means for me. I have conflicting feelings about this. On the one hand, it's validating to know that I know myself better than I thought, and that maybe there's a reason I have such a hard time making and keeping friends, and dealing with social situations at work. On the other hand, I keep getting flashes of this thought: All the things I've done, everything I've said in my life...was I really in the driver's seat? I know that's silly. I am who I've always been, and it's more likely that this has just caused me to make decisions based on skewed perceptions, than stopping me from making decisions at all. And I admit to no small amount of trepidation at learning that if I want to be a more effective person, I'm going to have to relearn thought processes that I've been developing my whole life, and some of them I may not be able to change no matter how hard I try. I'm reexamining everything now. Does this explain why I watch the same movies and read the same books over and over? Why, when I'm overwhelmed, the bathroom is my safe space, because the door locks, there's an expectation of privacy, and I always turn the fan on because the droning calms me? I always feel like I'm in danger of saying something that will upset someone, and when my inhibitions are lowered I'm told I do tend to say inapropriate things. I'm always afraid a semi truck is going to run me over when it passes me on the street, and as a child I even had nightmares about a sentient semi chasing me down. Part of me feels ashamed for my shortcomings which I now feel may be caused by this; part of me feels relieved that I now have an excuse, and all the people who told me I don't listen well enough or try hard enough may be wrong. But now I have to face the fact that even my strengths might not be a result of effort. Just the other day I was in a job interview and was asked to describe myself in one word, and I said "detail-oriented." That's something I'm proud of, one of the few things I'm good at: spotting patterns, spacial reasoning, seeing typos that others don't, an ability to spell almost any word I've ever seen written. Now I feel somehow like I shouldn't be proud of it. I mostly wrote this to vent, but I do have two questions. One, I noticed recently that I process information better when I'm doing something with my hands, even, or possibly especially, when the activities aren't related, like cross stitching while listening to a TV show. Is this something that's normal for ASD? Also, have you been through occupational rehab, and if so, were you happy with the results? One of the main reasons I want an official diagnosis is so I can do that, I'm positively thrilled at the idea of being able to get a job where I don't have to talk to customers. I've applied for several data entry jobs and I am convinced that I would be better at them than the average candidate, but I never get the job because I have no formal experience. If occupational rehab could help me get one of those, a HUGE stressor in my life would disappear. Oh, and I took a quiz, mostly to see what questions were asked. I was astounded by the one about a pleasant tingling feeling in the scalp, neck, and back from hearing certain sounds. I always wondered what the heck that was about. Does it also explain why sometimes I get ridiculously ticklish when someone comes CLOSE to touching my back, or when my boyfriend (who has a baritone voice) talks near my back?  Sent from my Coolpad 3320A using Tapatalk
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-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
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#2
May 12, 2016, 09:14 AM
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#Life is a beautiful lie# |
 SoScorpio
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#3
May 13, 2016, 02:57 AM
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I was already in my thirties by the time I was diagnosed, and I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I would like to assure you that many of the fears you expressed are ungrounded. It's perfectly okay to be proud of your strengths, whether or not they are related to being on the spectrum. I built (and continue to build) a rather lucrative business on my obsession with fixing, building, and improving things. And, yes, I am proud of this, even if I didn't know where these strengths came from when I first started. I, too, had some self-taught coping mechanisms that I had to let go of when I found out I was on the spectrum, but I was able to replace them with skills that actually work (e.g. finding a quiet place and allowing myself to stim rather than taking a valium as I now know that what I am experiencing is autistic meltdown and not panic attacks as I once thought).
As far as your 'shortcomings' are concerned, everyone has areas they can improve on, and it's actually good to know where your limitations are. You mentioned people saying you don’t pay attention enough; this is an area of my life I have vastly improved on just due to knowing what I know about Asperger's and its effects on me. I find conversations to be somewhat over-stimulating, so it helps when I explain to people that I have a mild form of autism, and my looking away doesn't mean I am not paying attention, but rather I am able to pay better attention to what they're saying if I look at a blank wall or the corner of the room. To answer your questions, though, this 'doing something with your hands' thing you mentioned is probably closely related to stimming. I used to carry a guitar pick that I would twirl between my fingers, or find myself making origami cranes with bits of paper. So, yeah, it's definitely part of being on the spectrum. It's actually so common as to be considered in the diagnosing process, although our stims are as diverse as we are. No, I have not had any occupational therapy. As I mentioned, I had already built my first business and was working on my second when I was diagnosed, so this wasn't really an issue for me. I had spent the last four years before starting my first business unemployed and underemployed, so I think if I had been diagnosed earlier, I probably would have, but I was able to create a work environment that suited me rather than have to adapt to an already existing one (which I had not been able to do, hence the unemployment). The sensitivity to certain touches or sounds is also pretty much ubiquitous. It's important to remember, though, that not everything you do, think, feel, or experience can or should be categorized as either autistic or neurotypical. It is a spectrum, after all, and many 'autistic' traits are exhibited by almost everyone to some degree. Being on the spectrum is just a matter of having a large number of these traits and exhibiting them to a relatively high degree.
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Sometimes insanity is a perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation.
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| SoScorpio
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#4
May 13, 2016, 10:00 AM
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That's so cool that you were able to start your own business. I've though of it myself, of course the two biggest problems are having a good idea and having the capital to start. But even if I had those, I think it would be too stressful for me. I've realized recently that I like structure. I was a manager of a dry cleaners, and I loved working alone (supervising and delegating makes me nervous) but being the responsible party really stressed me out. It took that job to make me realize that I don't really mind taking orders. I guess before I thought I was getting too old to have teenager jobs. Honestly what I miss most is school, a structured environment where someone else is in charge, but I get recognized for my talents. I wish that was still an option for me but I have to figure out how to get my loans out of default first.
It's interesting what you say about panic attacks or meltdowns... I'm going to have to read up on that. I'm fairly certain I had anxiety on its own as a kid. A few times I had a panic state that lasted weeks. But now I wonder about the social anxiety. On the first day of class in middle school a teacher once gave us each a sheet with a list of activities and we had to go around the room and find another student who had done one of these things over the summer and write their name next to it. Unlike most first-day, introductory activities we had to actually approach other students. I thought I was going to die, my stomach hurt so bad. I knew it couldn't be normal, everyone else seemed to enjoy being asked to chat with the other kids. I tried to figure out if I could get out of it, but was afraid of being reprimanded by the teacher. I barely even remember what happened, I think I pretty much stood rooted to the spot and waited for people to come to me. Or there was the time I went to the fair, which I had been doing for years with no problem, but suddenly felt overwhelmed and anxious because the crowd was so thick. And this story just came into my head, I was too young to actually remember this, but my mom said I once got lost in the streets of Las Vegas. We were outside watching the pirate ship show, they use cannon sounds and smoke to replicate a battle, obviously no real projectiles. But when the shots started, I suddenly darted away into the crowd, terrifying my mom. It does make me wonder. Maybe it's related, maybe not, but I haven't even had any panic "attacks" since adolescence. Many times I was unable to even identify what my triggers were. The times I knew, it seems like regular anxiety. Horror movies did it, I still refuse to watch them unless I know they're so bad they're funny. But one time I hallucinated during a panic attack, and never yet has someone told me they experienced the same. Therapists seem to have nothing to say about it. Overall though, even though I haven't had the testing yet I'm pretty sure I know what it will say, and the prevalent feeling is relief. My whole life I've been on edge, feeling like I have to work harder and pay more attention just to get by as other people seem to do effortlessly. The past few years my self esteem has gotten worse because I don't feel like a fully functioning adult. At least I know now there's a good reason driving is often too overwhelming for me, and the best I can do is drive to and from a place I go every day, like work. I feel less useless than I did when I noticed lazy teenagers just entering the workforce seemed to have an easier time than me. I think it will help me overcome my chronic worry too, because I believed that worrying is a form of responsibility, and if I couldn't make myself deal with adult stuff, I'd better at least worry about it. Now maybe I can put some worries to rest without feeling like I'm irresponsible or childish. Here's another question though: how do I best educate my boyfriend on this? He's one of those people who seems to believe that diagnoses only hinder people from dealing with behaviors and the issue at hand. I would say he believes in handling problems on a case-by-case basis, and never mind what you call it. But I really want to be able to make him understand that most of the times he's told me I have to do something, to get my due, improve my work, or communicate with our roommate who has schizophrenia, and I say I don't know how, it's not because I'm not trying. He keeps saying stuff like "think about it" and "you'll figure it out". We've been together five years and several times I've realized he understands my neuroses much better than I thought. But this doesn't extend to everything, and honestly almost every time I have been able to figure out what he wanted me to, it wasn't by reasoning about the situation, but by considering his patterns and motivations and guessing what he would want me to do. In fact, I find myself doing this a lot, when I can't figure out if something is appropriate to say or do, I ask myself "would he say I should do it?" And my answer is based on past patterns of his behavior, not a true understanding of the logic. I just can't seem to make my brain work like his, and he seems to think I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm trying to get into CBT or DBT but even that he views as a crutch, says if I want results I need to "do something" instead of just talking about it all the time, and he says therapy still won't count as "doing something." I've tried again and again to explain that it's supposed to help me figure out what I should be doing, and do the things I already know about but find almost impossible to act on. He doesn't get it and I can't fathom why he thinks this. He did once intimate that he believes in treating (to my ears, more like "getting over") symptoms, that the root of the problem doesn't matter one bit and it's a waste of time trying to figure out what it is. I get where he's coming from, but I don't think that applies to cognitive impairment. So many people can have the same practical issue, and every one of them could stem from a different impairment, and it absolutely matters, you can't treat them all the same and expect the same results. I think he, and in fact most people refuse to believe I have a cognitive impairment because I speak so well, always got good grades, and manage to appear normal in public because I long ago learned how to mimic people, and if I myself only recently realized that it was mimicry with barely any understanding of the underlying reasons, how should anyone else know it? Plenty of times I've been mistaken for being older and wiser than I am because I can match the tone and sophistication of someone's speech. It doesn't mean I understand them at all, as I'm only just beginning to see. Anyway I kinda rambled there, but how do I make my boyfriend see that it's not always a matter of effort? I don't want him to think that I latched onto this or that I think it excuses anything I do wrong, or that I deserve special treatment. But in recent years, nothing upsets me as much as being told I just don't try hard enough by the person I've spent the most time with, and plan to spend the rest of my life with. He gets tired of trying to explain, the conversation ends and I'm left feeling stupid because he says I should know what to do, but without him telling me the best I can do is guess, which I'm not very good at, so often I do nothing and only reinforce his belief that I'm not willing to work to better myself. I'm hoping that after the tests he'll believe me, but what if he still doesn't think it matters? I could have the doctor explain it to him, but I'm not even sure that will work, as he seems to think all mental health professionals are full of it and chose their profession for MONEY, no matter how many times I tell him it's downright ridiculous to think anyone would choose such a stressful job for that reason. How do I make him understand that my mind works differently and there are some things he will never be able to explain, and some things I will never do out of understanding of their importance, and the best I can do is a poor imitation? Sent from my Coolpad 3320A using Tapatalk
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-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
 EllieGreene, KarenSue
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#5
May 13, 2016, 10:23 AM
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This doesn't have much bearing on anything but I wanted to share one way this tentative diagnosis has already helped me relax. As I mentioned my roommate has schizophrenia, and as you might imagine we often have trouble communicating. That fact doesn't make me feel nearly as uncomfortable anymore, because I feel like the burden isn't all on me. But it just suddenly struck me how strange we would look to others. When we sit down to have a real conversation we sit on opposite sides of the couch, not facing each other. We look straight ahead or down when we talk, and occasionally glance at the speaker, but only make very brief eye contact. Sometimes we sit in silence for a few minutes before continuing. She bites her nails, I twiddle my fingers or pick at my skin or clothes. I used to think it was because she was uncomfortable with the conversation. Then I realized that I was uncomfortable too. But now I'm realizing that it's less about being uncomfortable with each other, and more about being more comfortable with the way we communicate. I think about someone watching one of these exchanges without our knowledge, and it makes me want to laugh. Suddenly it seems so funny, and not threatening at all.
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-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
| KarenSue
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#6
May 13, 2016, 03:50 PM
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I'm afraid I really don't know what to tell you about your boyfriend. I don't really do relationships well. But I do know that the idea that all mental health is just quackery is pretty prevalent. I vacillate on how to respond to this. On one hand, I have a developmental impairment, and expecting me to process, understand, display emotions the way most people do is like expecting someone in a wheelchair to get up and dance; it's just an unreasonable expectation. On the other hand, I build my own business from the ground up, I have an IQ of about 190, I used to box, and I am skilled in three forms of martial arts, so I challenge anyone who thinks of me as disabled to get in the ring and see just how disabled I am.
For me, a diagnosis was the very opposite of limiting. It really helped me understand myself and my condition and gave me the ability to interact with the world on a level I never could before. Unfortunately, that has included cutting certain people out of my life. I have a sister I don't talk to anymore because her reaction to my diagnosis was, "Good, now you have a name for what's wrong with you. Get over it, get a real job, and do something with your life." This from someone who never actually kept a job for longer than a month.
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Sometimes insanity is a perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation.
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| KarenSue
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| Aussie sheepdaze, SoScorpio
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#7
May 13, 2016, 04:02 PM
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Wow, how hypocritical of her. I'll just have to figure something out, take it day by day. I'm still learning how to describe what I feel and why some things are so hard for me. Hopefully with a diagnosis and therapy I'll learn better ways to communicate about it.
My boyfriend is so together, I can't even fathom what it must be like. He handles stressful work situations with apparent ease. He just seems to instinctively know when to keep his head down and just work, when to put the client's needs above the boss's ridiculous demands, who to talk to to solve a problem, and how to make it look like he's working harder than he is. I can't begin to figure out most of those. Sent from my Coolpad 3320A using Tapatalk
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-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
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#8
May 13, 2016, 05:55 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Sometimes insanity is a perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation.
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| SoScorpio
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#9
May 14, 2016, 06:58 PM
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Quote:
We used to run a dry cleaner together. We did pretty well at that, but usually only one of us could work at a time. We would have made a great team on the same shift, the customers loved him and he knew what to say when they were mad, and I was the meticulous one, making sure things were done the same way every time, keeping things clean. Being on opposing shifts kinda made it suck, he'd get mad at me for forgetting to ask a customer some detail about their missing or ruined garment because I was nervous, and I'd get frustrated when I came in in the morning and he had left tags and staples and rubber bands everywhere. I'm not the neatest person at home, but when I came in to that I had to clean up the work surfaces before even starting to work with clothes, and wondered how he got anything done with bits of paper all over. I'm curious, has anyone else experienced severe anxiety as a child that eventually got better? Nowadays I'm more just a chronic worrier, and my anxiety peaks when I'm stressed or overwhelmed. But as a kid, up to about age 15, I had horrible acute panic attacks. I couldn't even identify the trigger for about half of them. But I'm getting closer to figuring some of them out, looking back. For a few years I would get so anxious I threw up every time I went through an airport. It wasn't flying that bothered me, I felt much better by the time we got on the plane. I couldn't identify any specific fear, the atmosphere was just so stressful. Now it makes sense; there are few places more overstimulating than an airport. Or in school, when a class got rowdy, I felt a vague anxiety that climbed as the volume did. I actually thought I was channeling the frustration of the teacher or something, I didn't know how else to explain it. I just knew that soon the teacher would yell, and even though I knew they knew I wasn't being disruptive, I dreaded it. Most times I got an almost overwhelming urge to shush the class before the teacher had to intervene. I never did because I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. Now the same kind of situation makes me more aggravated than anxious. A while back I was on a bus with a new driver, and he took the wrong turn to get to his gate at the station, and all the other passengers started yelling instructions, then yelling over each other and at each other, and I was gritting my jaw the louder they got, until I couldn't take it anymore and finally screamed "How the hell is he supposed to drive with all of you screaming?!" They were already so undignified, I didn't feel there was much risk of me sinking below their level. But anyway now I'm wondering if the panic attacks I could never understand had something to do with overstimulation. Which reminds me, is there a neurological connection between autism and sensitivity to chemical stimulants? Because I can barely handle caffeine, even when I have it daily and build up a tolerance I have to be very careful not to overdo it. Sent from my Coolpad 3320A using Tapatalk
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-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
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#10
May 14, 2016, 07:23 PM
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Yes, I had chronic anxiety as a child and young person, and am now in my late 40s and no longer suffer from any form of panic attacks. Some of it was English not being my first language (I'm now fluent, without an accent), fear of school/ exams/ college (long finished), travelling away from home (I just got used to doing it as I had to a lot)..... So some of what helped was practise, growing up, reading about psychology, life experience. And more recently, meds and therapy. I did waste years until I knew what I wish I had in my 20s, but have far more peace and equanimity than I ever did. I'm also looking to leave FT employment and run my own business. I had in the past and hated the stress, but this time I'm going for a portfolio career and downsizing, because making it work is more important to me than earning a lot in a job I hate. But anxiety can be overcome, I'm amazed I managed it. It was like osmosis though, I didn't consciously do it, it just happened over time. I still get a little, but for different reasons and my coping skills are far better.
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| SoScorpio
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#11
May 14, 2016, 07:32 PM
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Yeah I noticed too that almost all of my bad panic attacks happened when I was away from home, in unfamiliar surroundings. Most of the rest came with major life changes like a new boyfriend, new house, etc. Now things like that make me nervous, and I'm never truly comfortable sleeping away from home, but at least it doesn't cause me major anxiety.
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__________________
-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
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#12
May 20, 2016, 11:50 AM
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I was 49 when I was diagnosed. Occupational therapy helped me a lot. I found out that I had sensory processing issues. OT really helped that and now all parts of my life are going better.
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#13
May 20, 2016, 01:06 PM
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You seem to know a lot about yourself which is a good start. What are you interests and strengths? What would you like to do that fits you? Have you considered jobs that are not mainstream? Quote:
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Dx: Didgee Disorder |
| SoScorpio
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#14
May 25, 2016, 03:29 AM
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I can relate with a lot of things you posted. Recently people and friends who know or are related to psychology suggest it, keep leading me towards Autism or Asperger's. But you clearly described what I'm passing through considering many details I have to consider, reconstruct my life and understand why in many situations I behaved differently. Why sometimes people tell me I do things inappropriately.
I also gotta thank you, I was concerned about the diagnosis or what it should mean to me, but your post made me understand I should relaxed and try not to rush things. I the news was a big impact
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What's past is prologue —Samus Aran. Last edited by TwinVergil; May 25, 2016 at 03:44 AM. Reason: Expand |
| SoScorpio
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#15
May 25, 2016, 03:59 AM
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#16
Jun 02, 2016, 09:04 PM
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Be proud of your strengths, no matter where they came from! I always answered "detail-oriented" in job interviews also! Do not ever be ashamed!
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#17
Jun 05, 2016, 02:18 PM
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Diagnosis and identity ? This is an interesting question.
I do wonder who much ADHD and autism spectrum disorder define me. |
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#18
Jun 05, 2016, 02:43 PM
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Yeah, my boyfriend says that's why he doesn't think diagnoses are that important, because everyone's a little weird and different, and you just have to figure out how to get by like everyone else. But I think it is important because if you know exactly how you're "weird", you can get better help.
But I think it is a big part of my identity. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 12, and I'm not bothered by the whole identity-first/person-first thing, because I have identified as an "anxious person" for years. It changes my whole life, of course it's part of my identity. I don't drink coffee because caffeine triggers my anxiety, and people who do drink coffee seem to consider it a part of their identities so... Sent from my Coolpad 3320A using Tapatalk
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-OCPD -Depression -Anxiety -Awaiting neuropsych testing for Autism Spectrum Disorder Zoloft 50mg "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?" |
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