[Lazarus16]

Hi everyone! I was browsing through threads and ended up in the Autism and Asperger's Syndrome sub-forum. Upon reading some posts, I started to ask myself all sorts of questions about austism and asperger's syndrome and I'm making this thread in hope someone might be able to light my lantern. Here are some infos about me :

I'm a successful engineer, I have money, I have friends, I'm self-accomplished in all spheres of my life ...except for one, love. I had relationships with girls when I was a little boy, from age 9 to 11 but I haven't had a girlfriend for 15 years. I had 2 long-distance relationships between 2010 and 2011 but apart from that, nothing. No hug, no kiss, no nothing in the last 180 months, it's starting to have been a long time... LOL It doesn't affect me as much as it did, let's say a few years ago. The old addage ''time heals the deepest of wounds'' turned out to be true and nowadays, I'm living a happy life of celibacy. I'm accomplishing all my dreams, every day is a beautiful day and I smile all the time but I'm not blind or deaf. I see people kiss or hear about love from time to time and it gets me wondering why I haven't had a girlfriend for so long. Surviving 15 years without any human touch apart from family is quite a feat in itself but it certainly wasn't my intention.

At elementary school I wasn't so bad in getting girlfriends, proof is I got 2 and one was amongst the most beautiful girls of my school. I got beat up a lot because of that, many were jealous! lol I got abused in one form or the other almost ever day from grade 2 to grade 6, I used to be the agressor in grade 1 because I was really hyperactive as a young child. I'd knock things over at aunt's house, I'd block toilets with toilet paper, I was a little devil but from what I can recall, I WASN'T doing it with bad motives, to me, it was just funny, that's all. It all stopped when I met 3 kids that would beat me up for 5 years in a row. Anything that happened to punish them, they would find a new stratagem to make me pay and my parents felt powerless against it all because obviously, they couldn't be everywhere at the same time, they had lives and some people should have done more but they didn't, oh well, what is done, is done. So I stopped telling them I was getting abused. Hell, it was giving virtually no results. This went on for 5 years. I went from hyperactive to ''slowpoke'', as some people would call me. I didn't talk to anyone anymore. I was always alone. I felt not wanted in this world. Those were really dark times for me. I can understand all the daily abuse, must have altered my devellopement but I don't know if it explains everything alone.

Then when I was 13 years old, I got sexually abused by a man that pretended to be a gym teacher. He threatened to kill me with a knife if I told what happened to anyone so I didn't tell, for 12 years. I finally spilled the beans in 2013 when I started working on myself and trying to make peace with my past. It's obvious it didn't help my develloppement either. At high school, I continued to be abused. Not as often but my teeth were not straight, I'd get called ''horse teeth'' and beat up. Then in grade 9, I so couldn't take it anymore that I failed grade 9 and lost all my friends. I made new ones later but it wasn't until college, in 2007 that all the abuse stopped. 11 years of pure torture, it was terrible. But is it really to blame, for my inability to have girlfriends? People called me weird, I'd rather say I was different. I don't smoke, I don't drink, don't do drugs, am very disciplined, don't eat much fast foods, go to bed early (I try lol), don't go to bars, to many, I'm very boring. I prefer to be alone, doing the things I like. I enjoyed loneliss for a long time but I can't tell if it's a consequence of all my abuse of if I was always like that.

I love being alone and am so happy, living the way I am but I'm also an intellectual and I can't help but wonder why I can't get girls, at all. I often tried, I went to bars, I did so many things but I never knew what to do, what to say. Then I went to meet a girl I met online. I was 20 and she 15. At first, I didn't want to meet her until she was 18 because I'm not a pedophile, I was really against the idea. After months of hearing how she suffered at school, basically, I was witnessing what had happened to me most of my childhood, I freaked out. I was reviving my nightmare but this time it hurted even more because I adored this girl, a little too much lol but I was genuinely in love and it would break my heart to see her live what I lived. So I completly lost and went to meet her. Her friends freaked out, she was forced to tell her parents and when I got there, I was arrested. Luckily, after 8 hours of explaining my story, the local police released me and no charges were pressed against me but this whole trip to Hell marked me permanently and still today, 6 years later, I haven't been able to love a girl again. I imagine I suffered from a very severe trauma and I might be suffering from post-traumatic stress but I don't know how to heal it. I went to counseling, I did therapies, it's as if something was broken in me. I used to be romantic, now I can't write a single poem. I just don't want to. I used to think it would pass by itself, like a writer's block but it's been over 5 years, it's clear it won't pass by itself.

Counseling and therapies actually helped me get my life back, they're the reasons I achieved success and satisfaction in almost all spheres of my life but in love, nothing has changed, as would say the late David Bowie. For most of my life, I was living, as if, in my own imaginary world. When I loved that girl I met online, I stopped seeing friends and became a total recluse. I was saying and thinking things that didn't make any sense. As a kid, I used to believe in spirits and magic and I realise most kids believe in spirits and magic but in my case, it went much farther. At the time, I thought I was seeing spirits so I'd cast magic at them and act as if they had really hurt me when they'd shoot spells at me. I often tried to find ways to save the world but only to get in trouble when one time I tried to summon demons to overthrow all the corrupted people of this world. Nowadays, I don't see or believe in all those things but I tell you, because my mother suffered from psychosis. She had no problem in love though but maybe as a child, I suffered from psychosis too, I don't know if it's congenital but it's a possibility, I suppose, though, I healed long ago. At high school, I'd make animal noises and couldn't stop swearing, it stopped when I turned adult.

I'm not so familiar with austism or asperger's syndrome but do you think I could be suffering from one or the other, to the light of all I wrote? Or I might just be broken in love, due to all my abuse. Please keep in mind that I did years of counseling and therapies and it DID transform my life from nothing to everything ...except in love so I think the answer is somewhere else. That's why I'm exploring this way.

Thank you!

[Miktis25]

Only by seeing a professional can you really have an answer to that, but personally - as an autist who was sexually abused herself - in my opinion there isn't enough information to say if there's a possibility of it being because of autism and from what you've said I'd say (all just opinion, I'm not a professional) that struggling in love would more likely be because of the effects of the abuse you've suffered, as an autistic person would likely struggle in most areas of social life, not just love. At the higher end of the spectrum we can struggle with processing emotions, communication, social cues, being probably way too literal, etc. There's a lot more to it. If you don't believe in them now, maybe the behaviors with the magic and spirits and the swearing could've been picked up from your mother? As children, we can see what our parents do as how things are meant to be, and expand from that.

I hope you get the answers you're looking for Lazarus

[aspie_science_nerd]

You may actually be autistic and a victim of sexual abuse. Special needs children are more of a target for abuse because they may be less likely to tell others about it. Based on what you've described, I'm not sure if you have autism or not. What I recommend is talking to a professional about this and see if you can get tested.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Miktis25

Only by seeing a professional can you really have an answer to that, but personally - as an autist who was sexually abused herself - in my opinion there isn't enough information to say if there's a possibility of it being because of autism and from what you've said I'd say (all just opinion, I'm not a professional) that struggling in love would more likely be because of the effects of the abuse you've suffered, as an autistic person would likely struggle in most areas of social life, not just love. At the higher end of the spectrum we can struggle with processing emotions, communication, social cues, being probably way too literal, etc. There's a lot more to it. If you don't believe in them now, maybe the behaviors with the magic and spirits and the swearing could've been picked up from your mother? As children, we can see what our parents do as how things are meant to be, and expand from that.

I hope you get the answers you're looking for Lazarus

I understand. Deep down, I believe I feared that answer because I was always scared of drugs and I think a professional might prescribe me some. In my country, big pharmaceutical companies make so much money out of drugs and while I know it's like that almost everywhere on Earth, I'm so happy not to have to take drugs. Where I live, they give drugs to avoid curing the problems and I so don't agree with that. They said in the newspaper than independant nurses made experiment and many people wouldn't need the drugs they're prescribed but it's like the Omerta in my state. Big pharmaceutical companies bribe professionals in exchange of new customers. So wrong.

Sorry about your abuse Miktis25, it really touches me when I hear someone was abused because I lived it and I can commiserate.

Mmh, that make a lot of sense. I'm now much more confident and have much more self-esteem than when I was a kid but the psychological damages are still there. I agree. I tend to be too literal. Like, when I had girlfriends, I'd try to get them into gym so they have the best health and be their optimal self but to me, it was either everything or nothing. It's often like that, no gray, either black or white. As for my mother, that's probable, that too, would make a lot of sense.

Thank you!

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by aspie_science_nerd

You may actually be autistic and a victim of sexual abuse. Special needs children are more of a target for abuse because they may be less likely to tell others about it. Based on what you've described, I'm not sure if you have autism or not. What I recommend is talking to a professional about this and see if you can get tested.

Yes, it took me 12 years to tell others about it. I was so ashamed and talking about it, plunged me back into the nightmare. I felt as if I was getting abused again so I avoided it for a very long time ...until I realised telling others about it was the only way to heal one day!

Thanks for the tip, I'll see if I can talk to one.

[Finniky]

I am sorry to hear you were abused. I was also sexually abused, by my father the first time we met.

You say you feel accomplished in all aspects of your life accept love.
Then you go on to say you experienced sexual abuse that traumatized you.
And that you had trouble within female relationships because of some very unlucky situations and a lack of relatability to them.

Now problems in love are the hardest to fix. Love is letting down all your defenses, and so much more. Success in love is not the same as success in work, money, and building friendships with absolutely no intimacy. If problems in love made you autistic, half the people I know would be on the spectrum right now. It's tough. It really is.

Many girls I know also do not get along with woman. My sister, for example, is very capable. Social, confident, sharp, witty, things a lot autistic people are not. She hasn't had a female friend since the beginning of high school. We are farm raised girls, muddy boots and overalls abound.

Problems in love, and not being very feminine are some traits of female Aspergers, but they aren't really the defining traits or traits a psychologist would primarily focus on in diagnosing you with this specific disorder. This is because although everyone's symptoms are different, common (and uncommon) traits of a one disorder are also often shared among many disorders.

Failing to romantically connect with men and failing at all things girly can ultimately be the work of Aspergers, but a psychologist would need to find symptom's in you that ranked higher on the "diagnosis pole" for this disorder than just those.

You really only state these two main symptoms. These symptoms are explained and rationalized by your experiences, rather than internal constants that drove it to being. ("Internal constant" is my way of saying something that someone has always felt mentally, without being (atleast knowingly created) by experiences. Like saying "Relationships are hard because I have always hated touch. I don't know why, I just always have." Or. "I get frustrated so easily. Every since I can remember as a kid, really. It's just the way I am. This makes maintaining a romantic relationship more difficult.")

You clearly state the experiences you remember being very significant to your struggles. These experiences seem more to be the cause of the problem, not the result of a problem.

Has your psychiatrist ever discussed PTSD with you in relation to you sexual abuse and if that was ever a factor?

[PrairieCat]

I hope you see a therapist or a psychologist to get to the core of this problem. Also, I wish you love. Your background is what has prevented this from happening but please do not lose hope.

Also, you do NOT have to take any drugs if you do not want to. Just say no! I hope that eventually you will experience and know real love in your life! You want it and so if you work on this with a therapist, I think that it is very possible. Please realize that you deserve it!

[EllieGreene]

Lazarus, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us here. It is good that you have been willing to work hard at therapy and achieve so many things in your life that you wanted. If you want to find a loving relationship you can find one! You could work with a therapist again and explore whether you want this. You do sound rather content as things are. You might want to try getting out more where you are around people, perhaps with your friends. Instead of a bar or the like, focus on a hobby or activity that you enjoy.

I wish you every good thing!

Ellie

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by PrairieCat

I hope you see a therapist or a psychologist to get to the core of this problem. Also, I wish you love. Your background is what has prevented this from happening but please do not lose hope.

Also, you do NOT have to take any drugs if you do not want to. Just say no! I hope that eventually you will experience and know real love in your life! You want it and so if you work on this with a therapist, I think that it is very possible. Please realize that you deserve it!

I'm seeing a therapist PrairieCat. After 4 meeting, we came to the conclusion I'm very ambivalent, I want to meet a girl then the minute later, I don't want to meet her anymore. I want to meet her but I also don't want to meet her. I'm very often black AND white, I will say something BUT there's something else. It's annoying and it blocks me from speaking what I'd really like to say. I noticed if I talk about sex, I get embarrassed and I can't get out what it is I'd like to say. I'm working daily on this, making progress every day. I beat that fear of rejection, the other day I spoke with the most beautiful girl of my gym for over an half-hour and wasn't even shy, it went spectacularly good! But I feel broken in love, I will talk and talk with girls but I can't fall in love with them. I feel I love them but at the same, I feel like I only like them. I'd like to hang out with them but then I don't. I'd really like to have sex with them but then not so much. I'm so ambivalent. I believe this is because I felt such pain from past rejections and my brain doesn't want to re-live all that suffering so he's blocking me somehow but my heart longs for love and ... just a hug, cuddling and sleeping with a girl but with all our clothes on, to feel her warm breath on my face and her hair in my hand, I miss the human touch and feeling loved. My parents, my friends, you guys, I made a lot of efforts, I went through hell and came back and I get it I'm very courageous and I'm very incredible but I wanna kiss a girl mommy, I want to kiss a giiirrrlll!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! By the way, I'm exaggerating this last part all on purpose, to put the emphasis on how much I miss innocence. Last time I was in a relationship, at age 12, I had (almost) no responsibility, it seemed like I could spend hours hugging my girlfriend and if I'd tell her she had pretty eyes, she'd say I'm the sweetest guy on the planet. Now, all the girls I talked with the last few years want a real man (I'm a ''real'' man), until they tell me I actually was a woman all along, yikes!), they want a man with a clear past, who knows what he wants, who know how to treat adult woman and I can understand them, I'd wish for the very same thing at their place but I can't help it if I have had zero experience with girls between age 12 and 26 and if in love, I have the mentality of a 12 years old, I mean, it's not really that I feel like a 12 years old (ambivalence, you see? AMBIVALENCE, HA!) but those things I should have learned with teenage girls, I never learned them, girls my age reject me because of my lack of experience and I'm not attracted to teenage girls anymore so now I'm tethered to my desk like some kind of animal! lol I want a relationship but I don't want to pretent I'm an expert at things I'm clearly not. Some told me ''fake it till' you make it'', sure but when you didn't do it in 15 years, I need a little help, I need someone to give me my chance, just one chance so I can get a little experience but unfortunately, the recolt hasn't been good this year either. I won't lose hope, I'm really cheerful and I'm in the best mental state of the last 15 years but at the same, I'm ambivalent as fu** and tethered to my desk like some kind of animal! (I love this expression.) Wow... it felt great to write all that!

I'm TOTALLY against all drugs and alcohol, I just don't want them in my life. People will either understand or get out of my life but I believe if they'd rather get out of my life then understand such a basic boundary, they don't deserve I accept them in my life in the first place. Oh but I know I deserve it, PrairieCat, I just haven't broken the mirror... yet. Notice I'm always positive or at least I try to, this ambivalence is my enemy number 1 atm, it is extremely powerful! If only easy girls like in anime or video games truly existed! I know this sounds very loser lol but that's exactly what I'd need. This way I could catch up all those lost years and would be easy but it is not easy and we are not in an imaginary world. She would understand all I went through and wouldn't call me a loser like those mean girls but such girls don't even exist.

Oh well, my time will come, I'm sure of it.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by EllieGreene

Lazarus, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us here. It is good that you have been willing to work hard at therapy and achieve so many things in your life that you wanted. If you want to find a loving relationship you can find one! You could work with a therapist again and explore whether you want this. You do sound rather content as things are. You might want to try getting out more where you are around people, perhaps with your friends. Instead of a bar or the like, focus on a hobby or activity that you enjoy.

I wish you every good thing!

Ellie

Oh my goodness, I was so in love with a girl named Ellie, maybe a year ago and reading your name made me blush so bad. It's all right. It's me that thank you all, Ellie. I often feel like kissing people on the lips when I feel like words are simply not enough to show all my gratitude but if I do it in real life, I'll get sued. Hahahaha. I'm giving all I got in all spheres of my life, I'm on book 6 out of 9 in my adult math class and when I get my masters degree in finance (in about 5 years), I'll build an empire and give back to the world. I'll give so much to charities and help people, the way people have helped me came back to life, I can't wait. This will be a wonderful journey and I enjoy every day of it to the fullest! People say days past faster as you get older but I'd beg to differ! I noticed days pass slower when you're happy and enjoying your life to the fullest, instead of being unhappy and not caring about all the little wonders of this world. I'm still seeing my therapist, together we are making yuge progress though we always run out of time, I simply have so much to say! We will get there eventually, I'm not worried. Great advice! I restarted going to the gym 16 days ago and it is great being able to talk to all those great people. Everyone love me, they say I'm so kind and so simple, I agree with that. lol I go every day, I don't have to do this since I only train 3 days a week but I do it anyway for the social. I enjoy talking with them, they're like a second family. I wish girls would care even the slightest... so many men seem to REALLY enjoy my company but I'm not gay and would rather have girls showing that kind of interest...

Thank you Ellie, I wish I could kiss you on the lips to thank you for all the kind words and it wouldn't be creepy lol (I swear, I only have pure motive when saying this, 100%) but oh well, thanks. I wish you all the best as well!

[Talthybius]

If you have friends, they have female friends or girlfriends who have female friends. Or even their female friends.

To me as someone who has little friends, that seems like the main way to find females you like. But then again, I have a record of being clueless.

I have very similar experiences. I had girlfriends as a 6-9 year old. Then it stopped and I told everyone I hated girls/would never have a girlfriend. Of course, it is rare for a girl to approach you. Even rarer if they know you hate all girls.

Then I lived like an extreme recluse. If you meet no people, you also meet no woman.

I am still puzzled by how relationships develop. Suddenly two people are together, boyfriend and girlfriend. Why? Was one of them in love all along? Did they somehow make a connection? Did they gently go out on several dates before rationally making up their minds?

Eventhough I shouldn't be saying this as I have had too few interactions with females that might be interested, I feel I send out bad vibes or no romantic vibes.
I feel it myself. Some women are nice, good looking, I respect them, but they are not attractive. And I don't know why. Mabye they have a cold demeanor about their personality, eventhough I suspect, or sometimes know, they are warm caring persons.

I feel romance is so unfair and superficial. And I feel like romance is biased again my personality type.

Reading what you post, I am not quite sure why relationships aren't happening. You say you tried but there's only that story about a 15 year old online.
That event sounds like a symptom, to be honest. But it was in the past, so forget about it.

Like I said, I feel like to other people, romantic relationships are happening automatically. So why not for you when you say you are 'have tried so hard'.